The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:
Willie Nelson
April 30, 1933
12:30 PM
Abbott, Texas

 
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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun      9 Tau 57
                 Moon    15 Can 38
                 Mercury 15 Ari 04
                 Venus   12 Tau 20
                 Mars     2 Vir 50

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 18:30:00   Time Zone: 6 hours West

 
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Sun in Taurus:

   Taurus- Key Words: The Bull in the china shop.

   Taurus natives are stubborn about everything, and there is no particular reason why, probably because Taureans feel insecure in some way. In being stubborn, Taureans feel they won't miss out on anything until they have mulled it into mildew. Hey, who wants to miss out on a good thing? If you want to have a good time with a Taurean native, give them the impossible to do with a restricted time frame to do it in, and watch them burn out a fuse trying to do it anyway. Make sure to have lots of video tape ready to capture the determination, and the horror! This will not be a pretty sight.

  For the greatest Taurean attributes look under N for No Nerves (as they are quite jittery), and have absolutely No sense of humor. A person can't laugh with a stick up their butt, it ruins the concentration!

  If you want to get romantic with a Taurean, take that little love muffin out to the countryside with the horsies and cows and other such charming anomalies of nature for a picnic, and let nature takes its course. The Taurean just loves the country to roam etc., etc., etc. Do I have to draw a picture for you, or maybe you can draw your own?

   The biggest drawback for the Taurean native is what I call the turtle reflex. The turtle reflex, simply put, is waiting for the Taurean person (with the speed of the mud) to make up their mind about anything! It will happen, but not in this lifetime. Never ask a Taurus to make a decision, because you will be too old to care anymore, especially if it involves commitments.

  Once committed to a relationship Taurus people expect any object of their desire to be there forever, whether married or divorced, dead or alive. There is a very jealous and possessive side of Taurus, and what is theirs shall remain theirs, from this day forth, and death is a poor excuse for being unfaithful to them! Taureans have been known to go out on midnight spy runs to keep tabs on their love interests. Ah, love sweet love, with the shackles that say "I love you, FOREVER!"

  Taureans should choose a mate who likes variety in lovemaking, like say, swinging from a chandelier, or doing the unspeakable underwater. So speak a little, speak a little! Once you pry the inner carefree nature out of that reserved exterior, watch out, for once Taureans have you in their grip, you stand a better chance getting out of an impossible wrestling hold, then getting away from a Taurean in love or lust!

  Salesmen hate doing business with the Taurus people, because before a Taurean decides to buy something, no matter what it is, it will be out of date, has gone bad, or the salesman has retired.

  To instill panic in Taureans, just tell them big changes are coming into their lives, and they will crack like old plaster, OR, just for the fun of it, assign him/her the task of a mediator in a dispute, where they must choose sides. With Taurean cat like reflexes and powers of indecision this could go on forever. Make sure someone has a video camera handy to watch Taurus's brains frazzling like bacon trying to compute the finer points of making fair and unbiased decisions.

  Taureans laugh with all of the sinister qualities of "The Shadow" (an old Radio Show). That is because down deep inside there is this very naughty person who in a lot of cases is so reserved, that laughter is the only thing they can let loose without being becoming unglued. Taurus men do not exhibit these qualities however, they just bide their time waiting for a good reason to smile.

  The Taurus's home is their pride and joy, and anyone entering the Taurus domain had better respect that! You may have noticed a few Taurus homes and not known it, as these are the people in the middle of the night in the front yard in full combat gear, ready to defend their homestead to the death.

  Here is a joke that Taurus people won't appreciate but what the heck. Where do you find a Taurus on vacation? The same place they have been going to for the last 25 years, and the neat thing is, even though they may have hated it, they still go back there year, after year, after year. Oh they are such fun munchkins!

  Children find Taurus parents a real pain, because they never give them any privacy, and a Taurean will always go through their children's things looking for god knows what. Taureans feel, if they aren't having any fun, why should their children.

  Don't ever give a Taurean $10 and say there are a dozen people coming over for dinner, prepare a banquet! They will do it, and give you change in return (maybe!).

  Taurus natives don't reveal themselves to others easily either, and a potential mate may have to be eligible for social security before Mr. or Ms. Taurus open up to their feelings.

Moon in Cancer:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   Moon in Cancer people are extremely sensitive to their surroundings, and they can cry at the drop of a hat, but they will even cry if you pick up a hat. Their constant need to mother others can make you barf after awhile. Moon in Cancer natives can be very psychic but on a bad day when the wiring gets wet, all they get is static, probably Lawrence Welk or David Bowie doing "ground control to major Tom . . . ."

   Moon in Cancer natives experience tremendous highs and lows in moods and expressing themselves, probably all at the same time. In love making they can express these disturbances through beating up their lovers, and then taking care of them, nursing them back to health. This should serve to balance their warped emotional swings. For these Moon in Cancer people, old relationships never die, they just keep adding new people to the list or their own personal phone book.

   There are two truly distinct operating modes for the Moon in Cancer person. Either they make absolutely no damn sense OR they are totally overwhelming when laying ideals, or emotions on you. There is nothing in between to base reality on, but you are free to give it a try.

   All signs have the ability to abuse things, and in the Moon in Cancer's case it is any form of dairy product, primarily CHEESE! They absolutely love anything that will carbohydrate themselves into a false sense of security. "If you don't love me, I know a hunk of cheese that will appreciate me!", says the insecure and oversensitive Moon in Cancer! When they are emotionally unhappy, this is the first line of defense for improving self worth and confidence. Be careful what goes into your tummy when you are unhappy Cancer natives, as food can provide pleasure or extreme discomfort when feeling low.

   When you marry or court this Moon in Cancer native, expect to have the phone line embedded somewhere in their body which is directly attached to a receiver on their mothers person somewhere.

   If you want to have a great time with a Moon in Cancer native, just think something hurtful about them without actually verbally doing so, and they are good for a sulk until the cows come home. They can sense you've said something, but can't prove it. Sit back and watch the Paranoia set in, and expect lots of brooding, because that is their second most positive attribute. Hey, you have to give Moon in Cancer natives a little slack however, because they are tuned in psychically to all the space garbage that is in the air every moment of the day. After awhile, you'd be a bit buggy too!

Mercury in Aries:

   Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   They have the concentration of a bull in heat, and a quick temper to match. They hate delays, which only makes them more angry, and they hate anger, which only brings them delays. It just boggles the mind doesn't it? The Arian is not able to tell the difference between an impulse and a second of time, therefore they go off emotionally at the same interval. "Impulse, impulse, impulse, kaboomb!"

   Mercury in Aries suggests that anything and everything is fair game in the love making department, whether fantasy or reality. Any open extremity on or off the human body, door knobs, medium sized cats and certain species of fish holds their interest and attraction. The Mercury in Aries mind turns the body on to ALL the possibilities and if this native isn't careful, they may prematurely create a love making episode in their mind, before it ever gets to reality. But then again it may be much more fun this way, " and hey, I've just practiced safe sex." This is the true celibates love making outlet.

   The mind is a terrible thing to waste, and to that end the Mercury in Aries native will jump off a cliff rather than make no decision at all. Simply waiting for a more favorable time would never occur to them. On the other hand Mercury in Aries may decide to do something, and like a rain cloud do nothing at all.

  Mercury in Aries natives are aggressive in speech, and drive like maniacs, making good race car drivers on or off the track. Their nervous system is non existent, jumpy, frazzled and in need of physical expression to keep it in good working order.

  These people are fond of debate and arguments, and to convince you of their intellectual expertise, may beat the heck out of you. They go off like a cannon on exlax, the trouble is you don't know where it is going to land, but you know that it's coming!

Venus in Taurus:

   Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   Kissing a person with this placement has all of the sensitivity of a wet sponge hitting you in the face, again, and again and all of that with no foreplay.

   I am woman hear me roar, is the battle cry of the female Venus in Taurus. Picture a bull getting ready to freight train a man in a funny costume with a cape yelling "come and get me" in Spanish! Ah yes, love sweet love, in its most primitive state, this is the essence of these fun lovers.

   Here is the typical Venus in Taurus explaining what belongs to them "Everything" of course. Implements to have on hand for Venus in Taurus must include the following: Ankle and wrist bracelets, a 24 hr. pocket pager and an interrogation manual. "I will make you over in my image", says the overly possessive Venus in Taurus.

   It would be wise for their partners to own or operate a restaurant offering the finest cuisine or a flower shop with a full stock of long stemmed roses. Have on hand a pre-recorded tape of the endless loop variety that keeps saying "I love you . . . I adore you . . . I love you . . . I adore you. . .", because objects of their love are guaranteed to run out of gas, way before they do! They also have the ability to magnetize and imprison what they want. After all, what is theirs, is theirs!

Mars in Virgo:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

   To them, love making is much too messy, so why do it! Here is the lover who will bitch and moan about the quality of a condom. Details, details, details. Expect a complete internal and external examination before, during and after the actual act, which may be viewed as very messy, time consuming, and unnecessary.

   Hot Lips Hoolahan on Dramamine is how to define Mars in Virgo. Lovemaking is like lancing a boil to them, sterile and unfulfilling.

   Now here is a personal word of advice. If this person feels that they are doing all the work putting this evening of magic together, expect to hear about it, and hear about it, and hear about it. So, to make things short, make sure to hold up your end of it, which ever end that turns out to be.

  These people are the originators of everything must be on time, so don't be late, or early, or anywhere in between. Love making for them is a party of one, usually themselves, because they love to touch themselves, they just can't keep their hands off!

  Never, ever, ever give this person alcohol to get them into a romantic mood, all you get is the mouth of a sharp knife, . . . . sharpened!

  Yes, people do have to get undressed to have sex. I didn't invent it, it's just one of those things that you have to do. It's a whole concept.