The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Robert Peter Williams
February 13, 1974
3:20 PM
Newcastle-under-Lyme,Eng.

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     24 Aqu 33
                 Moon    20 Sco 24
                 Mercury 11 Pis 26
                 Venus   25 Cap 48
                 Mars    22 Tau 33

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 15:20:00   Time Zone: 0 hours West

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Sun in Aquarius:

Aquarius - Key Words: "I Love You All. . . kind of!"

  "I love everybody, just don't bug me! I am loyal to everyone I make love with, and treat them all the same way", says the true Aquarian soul. Aquarians are such understanding lovers, that if their partner comes home and tells them that they are having an affair, the typical Aquarian would say "That's okay, I've been having one for years!". The Aquarian personality and makeup is so unique that they can have an affair with someone whether they are actually present or not.

  Whenever an Aquarian native has a penchant for meeting someone, they will use the art of communication like a day at a pig pen. Anything, I say anything is liable to roll off the Aquarian tongue. The wilder the better, as they love the shock of seeing the expressions on other peoples faces, and herein lies the inner person.

  Aquarians have the ideals of a child who is squirting their mother with a baby bottle. Just gotta be me! Some bad news -emotionally Aquarians are cold as a fly caught in a tray of ice cubes.

  People have a difficult time playing jokes on Aquarians, for instance stealing their address book wouldn't even phase them. They would never replace the names or the book, they would simply get new friends.

  An interesting facet of the Aquarian personality is that they have a unique talent for coming up with weird ideas for useless products. It's that progressive nature that needs a new look for Santa Claus and that streak of blue in his hair, or that traffic signal that can use an extra colored light that means indecision. Aquarians are also prolific in the art of disoriented speech and thoughts that have no relevant meaning, they simply exist as if on helium. Aquarians have also been accused of drinking like a fish.

  Although Aquarians have no concrete beliefs, they have an opinion on everything, and will offer it at any time, any place.

  For the Aquarian man, romance comes under the heading of recreational activities. Lovemaking is simply another way of making new acquaintances, and pornography may be Aquarius's line of work, or sideline. Marriage for Aquarians are ships that pass in the night, and here comes another one now. Marriage can be compared to summertime at the beach. What variety? How can they choose one, when they love so many.

  Positive traits of the Aquarians include: Absent minded behavior, interests only in ones self, a lack of confidence, and lack of insight.

Moon in Scorpio:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   If you are not going to kill a bull at the bull fight, don't just wound it and let it go, because you are only gonna get it mad. This is the emotional capacity for Moon in Scorpio natives.

   Here is judgment waiting for the axe to fall, whether right, wrong or indifferent. Moon in Scorpio people are prone to very deep feelings, but for what is anybody's guess.

   The epitome of fighting to the death for what they want belongs to the Moon in Scorpio native, only to find out they really didn't want it in the first place, only now it may be too late to change it, or do anything about it.

   Moon in Scorpio people have an uncanny knack for knowing when someone is cheating on them, and will show up at the motel etc., to find you, tell you, or castrate you. All of the above may apply, and I might add, at the same time.

   Moon in Scorpio people need to find someone who is less paranoid than themselves to take care of, so they can bounce around from place to place without somewhere to land.

   Love making for Moon in Scorpio people is a religious experience, and if it doesn't work out, then revenge for them is the only alternative that seems to be fair! Moon in Scorpio people would never hold a grudge though, a gun, knife, baseball bat, sharp object, or blunt instrument yes, but never a grudge!

   Health matters for the Moon in Scorpio especially when unhappy is problems with the sexual organs, accident prone behavior, headaches to themselves, and causing headaches to others, especially causing headaches to others.

Mercury in Pisces:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   These people are highly poetic and psychic and music will have a strong effect on them. Be careful of the ever popular "Moody syndrome" and making left turns into negativity.

   Some other goodies located in this sign is being a wee bit too over sensitive and easily hurt. Try to avoid resentment if possible, if not, avoid it anyway.

   Here is the last person on earth that would rather talk about lovemaking than do it. They are not intimate if they don't feel like it, there ain't no two doubts about it. Lovemaking can be a burden for them if done too much, so they must try to do it in moderation and use the rest of the time to slaughter cattle, rebuild engines or work on aircraft.

   They don't need to be "in" a relationship all the time, but should they turn over in bed and there is someone there, what the heck.

Venus in Capricorn:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   When this person appears at your door with a new dishwasher, expect them to be interested in you romantically. The problem is, they won't be interested in anything else, and you'll only confuse them if you ask them to explain how that new gift works.

   Romancing a Capricorn is like trying to push a pea through the eye of a needle. Even if you succeed you wind up with a hell of a mess.

   Capricorns engaged in romance are easy to spot. Picture a beached whale listening to lectures by the masters, like Hitler or Napoleon.

   Public displays of affection or emotion will turn these natives into wrecks, as they have no response to that kind of stimuli at all. They are the "all purpose" driving vehicle of romance, safe to drive and economical, but uncomfortable as hell.

Mars in Taurus:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

  This is the placement of the person who will do anything for money. I would never suggest that this person would prostitute themselves for money! Well, alright I would! A word of advice, a person with this placement is as possessive as a gorilla with a banana and just as resentful and jealous if you get it away from them.

  A Taurus in heat has all the grace of a Brahma bull trying to freight train a Rodeo Clown, and with just about the same results. There they are, lying flat and looking straight up with no idea who, or what you are, much less where!

  You can tell a sexually frustrated Taurus very easily. You will find them in the kitchen cooking, . . . . EVERYTHING! When this sign releases their love making passion, the results are similar to having a building drop on you, a very large building. This is to say that when they give themselves, they give themselves completely. Who wants complete, instead save some for a rainy day!

  If this native knows they can get a great deal by doing a slightly naughty favor, expect a fantastic reaction to your proposition. Just make sure that you understand who owns what in the long run.