The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Robertino Rossellini
February 2, 1950
7:00 PM
Rome, Italy

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     13 Aqu 20
                 Moon    11 Leo 04
                 Mercury 19 Cap 16
                 Venus    9 Aqu 18
                 Mars    10 Lib 30

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 18:00:00   Time Zone: 1 hours East

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Sun in Aquarius:

Aquarius - Key Words: "I Love You All. . . kind of!"

  "I love everybody, just don't bug me! I am loyal to everyone I make love with, and treat them all the same way", says the true Aquarian soul. Aquarians are such understanding lovers, that if their partner comes home and tells them that they are having an affair, the typical Aquarian would say "That's okay, I've been having one for years!". The Aquarian personality and makeup is so unique that they can have an affair with someone whether they are actually present or not.

  Whenever an Aquarian native has a penchant for meeting someone, they will use the art of communication like a day at a pig pen. Anything, I say anything is liable to roll off the Aquarian tongue. The wilder the better, as they love the shock of seeing the expressions on other peoples faces, and herein lies the inner person.

  Aquarians have the ideals of a child who is squirting their mother with a baby bottle. Just gotta be me! Some bad news -emotionally Aquarians are cold as a fly caught in a tray of ice cubes.

  People have a difficult time playing jokes on Aquarians, for instance stealing their address book wouldn't even phase them. They would never replace the names or the book, they would simply get new friends.

  An interesting facet of the Aquarian personality is that they have a unique talent for coming up with weird ideas for useless products. It's that progressive nature that needs a new look for Santa Claus and that streak of blue in his hair, or that traffic signal that can use an extra colored light that means indecision. Aquarians are also prolific in the art of disoriented speech and thoughts that have no relevant meaning, they simply exist as if on helium. Aquarians have also been accused of drinking like a fish.

  Although Aquarians have no concrete beliefs, they have an opinion on everything, and will offer it at any time, any place.

  For the Aquarian man, romance comes under the heading of recreational activities. Lovemaking is simply another way of making new acquaintances, and pornography may be Aquarius's line of work, or sideline. Marriage for Aquarians are ships that pass in the night, and here comes another one now. Marriage can be compared to summertime at the beach. What variety? How can they choose one, when they love so many.

  Positive traits of the Aquarians include: Absent minded behavior, interests only in ones self, a lack of confidence, and lack of insight.

Moon in Leo:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   "See me? See who I am? Aren't my new shoes pretty?", says the Moon in Leo native. Everything is done in the style of the great "showoff" for the Moon in Leo native, including the flowing hair and the need to be appreciated for any efforts they put forth, whether deserved or not.

   Anything will offend people with their Moon in Leo, just walk up to them for no reason and say "What a creep!", and watch them become unglued. There is a strong need to be an Authority Figure here, even if they wash dishes for a living, for they have a natural attitude which I lovingly call the Napoleonic syndrome, or man holding up his pants. Perhaps Napoleon wasn't holding up his pants, and if he wasn't, what was he holding up ? HMMM?

   Money is much more important to Moon in Leo people than they realize, so take a moment and think about it, then accept it. Okay, time is up.

   Moon in Leo natives have a hidden desire for power which will leap out when least expected like a tornado headed for a trailer park, usually with the same intensity.

   For Moon in Leo people the pleasure from love making can be derived as a side effect from loyalty as well as the physical manifestation, or love and devotion from others has the same effect, which really turns them on.

   While on a date with a Moon in Leo person, expect them to jump up on any stage and grab the microphone, even if there is no stage, or microphone. You might say Moon in Leo natives are just a little bit insecure and need attention, or perhaps they are trying to be fashionable.

   Moon in Leo natives see everything revolving around them, with them as the center, just as the sun is the center of the Universe. I knew it had to be someone's fault.

   It is extremely easy to spot the emotionally unhappy Moon in Leo native, either they are flat on their backs because their back has gone out, or they are suffering chest pains from excessive stress.

   People with this placement tend to dominate others with all of the grace and finesse of Hagar the Horrible (Cartoon Character in the funny papers).

   While in the home of a Moon in Leo person, expect to have a tour guide take you around to show off all of the artwork and other meaningless articles which are bound to be strewn about waiting to adored. You might even see the Moon in Leo native themselves strutting around as well, in full fanciful garb who seems to fit into the decor, waiting for equal adoration.

Mercury in Capricorn:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

  Here is the computer memory that pays attention to all details, even though they do not know how to operate a computer. This is the person you need to see to all of those fine finishing points in projects. For goodness sakes, learn how to laugh, and get a sense of humor Mercury in Capricorn! Actually they do have a sense of humor, they are the people who get a kick out of telling you that your loan has been turned down. I'll bet this native has problems with constipation and soreness in body joints. Take a laxative, take two, have a bowel movement, be happy and lighten up!

   You can easily spot these people behind the wheel of their cars, they are they ones doing 40 MPH in a 55MPH zone, thinking they are going too fast! Their speech is so slowed down that you just know they took diction lessons from Mel Tillis, or they are going through life in slow motion.

   They would make a great school teacher, you know the kind, with the pointer in one hand, and student by the hair in the other. You can tell their classroom at a glance, it is the one where everyone has fallen asleep out of boredom.

   Foreplay for them is looking at a room of extraordinarily beautiful women/men doing aerobics and thinking about how much work they have to do at the office. Here is the constipated mind at work and play.

   During, before or after making love, they are not verbal, demonstrative, alive, appreciative, compassionate, passionate, or physical. They do like to critique the activity though and give it a passing or failing grade, even though they are unsure what it is all about.

   Abnormalities in lovemaking for them is breathing, sweating, yelling "Do it now" at the top of their lungs, or moans, groans or whimpering.

Venus in Aquarius:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   Venus in Aquarius has all of the emotional satisfaction of an ice cube down your pants, which by the way has the same results for these people. They have no scruples in romance or lovemaking and will go after anything that walks, talks, or crawls with the emotions of a snowman that even the sun cannot melt.

   This native also has the capacity to make rehearsed and prerecorded sounds while making love. As an example: "Oh baby, oh yes baby, do it now, oh yes baby". Don't put any emotions into it while you read it, just read it, then you have the emotions.

   Commitments for Venus in Aquarius are limited to hello, and goodbye. "Oh look, someone new to play with until something more interesting comes along".

   Foreplay and emotional response for this sign is best illustrated by reading a book while making love, or instead of it making the same sounds associated with the sexual act.

   There was an old story that I heard a long time ago that illustrates this native to a "T". "If I should fall asleep while we are making love, please pull my nightgown down". It's coarse and uncouth I agree, but accurate.

Mars in Libra:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

  Rulership is mine says this placement of Mars. You need a partner who is open to love making adventures, like diving off a cliff or having sex in the path of an approaching speedboat. This is true excitement!

  At other times they are so considerate of their romantic partner, that they will sit down with them and fill out a questionnaire of likes and dislikes, turn ons and turnoffs, times, dates and places. How sweet and considerate, and a true description of Mars in Libra.

  These people must have their own way with this position of Libra. They swing like the scales, an easy going pain in the neck. They can be kind and gentile, or drive you off the road in their car. If this person would ever learn that anger isn't the answer and adopt an attitude of waiting, the desired outcome will come to pass, but no, they've got to take matters into their own hands screwing up the works. Well, see if I care then!

  Oddly enough, a lousy marriage is like spiritual awareness in the final examination of things for these natives. They are very intuitive people and must learn to be aggressive and humble equally. In other words learn when to act and when to shut up!

  This placement has all the intimacy of two people running towards each other without their feet ever touching the ground. Think about it, it will come to you. Here is the person who is able to make love to an illusion, or some reasonable facsimile.

  They have a talent for nastiness, and can swear so fluently that is frightens everyone.