The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:
September 23, 1930
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This astrological analysis is based
on the following astrological data:
Sun 29 Vir 29
Moon 10 Lib 02
Mercury 26 Vir 38
Venus 15 Sco 21
Mars 15 Can 31
Standard time observed
GMT: 06:00:00 Time Zone: 6 hours West
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For Professional Charts and Reports
Sun in Virgo:
Virgo - Key Words: The Virgin and the Surgeon
"We will make love now! I have planned a nice bath and sterile conditions to produce maximum effects for love making!", says the Virgo native.
"What do you mean you aren't in the mood now? Love making should be planned for optimum output!", "Spon what? What is spontaneous?" , "No, love should be well thought out, executed with precise timing, and messiness must be kept to an absolute minimum, cleaned up, sanitized and graded for efficiency", "Enjoyment has nothing to do with it!", "but first, all bodily parts should be boiled beyond recognition, to remove any nasty bacteria. "As one might be readily able to see, Virgo has a "different" idea of what intimacy is all about, the problem is who can live up to these expectations? Only a Virgo!
Since clothes are a real turn on for Virgo natives, they should have their love choice wearing a tuxedo to get you into the mood or better yet, why not a hospital gown with gloves and mask to match? Stethoscopes are optional, but a thermometer for the correct temperature for optimum ovulation would be nice. Lovemaking with a Virgo is called an "internal or external examination", and should never be taken lightly.
The originator of the term in restaurants called "separate checks please" was a Virgo out on a date for the first time, or the 50th time.
Virgo's have no faith in anything they can't see, feel, touch, predict, AND when the typical Virgo's do, they still don't believe it. That's just the kind of trusting soul Virgo's are. Insecurity to the 10th power.
Remember the school teacher or parent that used to say "I'd wipe that smirk off your face", or "I suppose you find this amusing", or "You'll be laughing out of the other side of your face?". Remember? Well, Virgo's invented it. Honest!
Virgo's are another one of those cosmic munchkins that has a tongue that cuts like a knife through butter, and doesn't particularly care who is on the receiving end.
While wandering through life Virgo, remember to leave all the "ugly" things about the world alone. If it doesn't offend the Universe, who are we to improve on it? The typical Virgo will go through life making everything perfect around them, and bitching like crazy if it isn't, while being dragged down in the muck and confusion that surrounds their own lives. They feel that by "sanitizing" the outer world they live in, theirs becomes pure and clean. What they really need is an internal cleansing, as this is the only place that needs to be cleaned, and the world will continue to be a dirty, filthy place despite their efforts. You can't blame a person for trying though, right?
Virgoans have the wonderful capacity for spying on their neighbors, including times, dates and details of each event, and then sitting down to write about it.
Virgo's have the passions of moldy water, and the excitement to go with it. Go ahead and sulk! Just don't nag people or make remarks that cut like the mark of Zorro on unsuspecting victims. For the most part, people like to make nice, so make nice!
If you want to have fun with a Virgo, simply do the following: Give them two jobs to do at the same time. Then stand back and watch their mind unravel and explode. If that doesn't work, then go for the old stand by. Simply say "Can I borrow your car?" You stand a better chance of stealing cement from a standing building than getting that car! Another fun thing to do to a typical Virgo native is to demand a commitment from them, or plan a wedding day. Then stand back with a stop watch and count the seconds it takes for them to disappear, and this especially true of the males of the species.
Displaying affection is very difficult for Virgo natives, probably because they come from an unloving family where they were not subjected to displays of love, or the whole idea of affection is yucky to them in the first place. An icy and suspicious nature belongs to the typical Virgo.
One of the more positive and endearing qualities of the Virgo native is that they are never jealous. Why? Because they never give enough of themselves to ever be hurt by someone which leaves their emotions in tact, and. . . life goes on!
The idea of recreation for a Virgo, is to spend the day in the bathroom, preferably alone, where they can play touchy feely, or play "Sanitary Mind Games".
Real romance for the Virgo native can be found in men who are married, terminal patients, or persons with disfiguring disabilities.
Never, ever, ever give a Virgo native alcohol to get them into a romantic mood, because all you will get in return is a razor sharp mouth that cuts like a knife, but twice as sharp and uninhibited. It's like letting a runaway lawnmower loose on an unsuspecting lawn.
Yes dear Virgo, you do have to get undressed to make love. I didn't invent it, it's just one of those things that is a pre-requisite for making love. It's a whole concept that goes back in time and is not fully understood, but give it a try anyway!.
Moon in Libra:
The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.
Home ties can be very important to the Moon in Libra native. Just because they don't live with their parents, doesn't mean they don't have a 200 mile phone line attached to their umbilical cord, with an automatic dialer for times of real emotional crisis.
"I would kill for peace and quiet!", says the Moon in Libra native to their family as they assure you how non-violent they are.
The Emotional neutral Zone belongs to the Moon in Libra native, and you will find they especially love to rearrange and beautify things. Moon in Libra natives are those types of people who, when their spouse or partner goes to work, rearrange the furniture, and when their loved ones get home, they damn near kill themselves falling over the couch that used to be the bed.
Moon in Libra people are so sensitive to their surroundings and need for harmony, that a good fight can keep them hovering around the toilet bowl and throwing up, for hours.
You might be able to tell a Moon in Libra person who is emotionally unhappy by the gallons of water they drink to keep their kidneys in good working order, as that is their weak point.
Moon in Libra natives are so emotionally insecure, that if by the second date you are not discussing marriage, you will be replaced by someone who is. As they get older, they usually get a grip on this tendency, by about the 5th or 6th marriage.
Mercury in Virgo:
Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.
Out of the mouths of babes, usually comes Yuck! This is the positive side of Mercury in Virgo.
These people have very stable minds and a strong capacity for common sense. I'll bet they have loads of great recipes filed away in that computer they call a mind. These people are the crazoids who are intolerant of others stupidity? It is what they fear most within themselves!
No one can possibly live up to the love fantasy they have created, complete with surgical tools, disinfectant and scuba gear. Love toys include wonder jelly, a probe (with a light on the tip of it), a surgical table with stirrups and anesthesia, lots of plastic gloves and other plastic appliances, condoms without holes in them, and lots of gauze. Who knows what the gauze is for, and who cares!
Yes, people do have to get undressed to have sex. I didn't invent it, it's just one of those things that you have to do. It's a whole concept.
Venus in Scorpio:
Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:
Venus in Scorpios idea of foreplay is ripping up the flowers, throwing the food at you, strangling the Cherubs, and thrusting themselves on you.
This sign has all of the romantic sensitivity of a line foreman on the 68th floor of a skyscraper, and all of the compassion of a dentist with hydraulic tools who is just going to do a cleaning, scraping, polishing, filling and extraction, all within one visit. They have the sensitivity of a linebacker with jock itch. Sorry folks, it just leaped out of my brain and onto this paper. I won't say forgive me (I'd be killed for being mortal) instead I'll just say "SUFFER!"
Expect to be romancing an animal in heat when being intimate with Venus in Scorpio. To say this person is selfish in lovemaking is to also say that Hitler was an overmotivated and overachieving alter boy.
This person can make passionate and sometimes painful love to you, and then punish you for not being able to take it. Anyone for whips and chains?
In lovemaking there is all the sensitivity and compassion of a tornado going through a trailer park. It can split you apart at the seams and scatter you for miles. You had better find a concrete basement to hide in until she blows over. Sorry, poor choice of words.
Mars in Cancer:
Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.
"Are we going to make love, or are you going to just sit there and cry". This is the plight of the Cancer personality. Maybe they will do both at the same time. There is another possibility as well, since they have such a weak stomach with this placement, they may make love and throw up afterwards which is really great for their partners ego, OR. . . throw up on their partner while making love. Now there is a really disgusting thought!
These people are very domesticated and can often be found sleeping with the cat. Their rhythm in lovemaking has all of the coordination of the jitterbug, and no one really knows when the big moment will occur, least of all them. Do lovers a favor, warn them that something is coming, but then again so is Christmas.
When it comes to the rhythm of the moment, you are great at the old one, two, one two. Lovemaking defined with this person is: "Wham, Bam, and thank you".