The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Phylicia Rashad
June 19, 1948
12:00 PM
Houston, Texas

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     28 Gem 19
                 Moon     7 Sag 18
                 Mercury  4 Can 57
                 Venus    5 Can 52
                 Mars    14 Vir 53

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 18:00:00   Time Zone: 6 hours West

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Sun in Gemini:

Gemini - Key Words: The Sinister and the Minister

  "The flake on a mission, or the flake without a mission. Who is to say?" Gemini's are just their own kind of person. Now what is wrong with that I ask you? Gemini's may find their mark in life with the help of a seeing eye dog, then shoot the dog for knowing more than them.

   You can always tell a bored Gemini by the disgusted look on their face while making love the same way, over and over again. The "recreational love making sign" is what we call Gemini natives, because they treat making love like a vacation. Why go away from home Gemini, when you can have it your way, any day? Love making is not enough by themselves, they must do it with their friends. That is to say he or she must be a friend to the Gemini. Yeah, that's it!

   To say that Gemini natives are nervous is an understatement, as they must be busy doing at least 7 things all at the same time. They need that pressure and stress to keep them going, its like being high on Helium, ALL THE TIME!

   The lungs and arms are the weakest bodily parts here, it's because of all of that blasted gesturing that they do as if they were bringing planes in for a landing on an aircraft carrier. Gemini people should get lots of sleep to heal that paranoid, weird and nervous behavior that is likely to arise without warning, scaring people to death! Gemini is the jokester who leaves humorous messages on your answering machine, never letting you know who it was that called in the first place.

   The typical Gemini's mouth is like a "chattering teeth toy", you know what I mean, the teeth you wind up and put on the table and it goes on and on and on. There should be a subtitle on the side of the box of this toy that says "These used to belong to a Gemini". Gemini's have the capability of verbally cutting anything in front of their mouth like a knife through butter, with the same ease. No matter who they are, or how big the competition is! Sometimes they can get carried away a wee bit much though, but are they ever full of remorse afterwards? Never! As a matter of fact they find a good verbal thrashing much more satisfying than sex.

   When Gemini people apply for a job, their job application may read like the Queen of England has applied in person, or perhaps the President of the US, with the possibility that everything on it (including their name) may be little white lies, or classic WHOPPERS. Gemini people are somewhat dishonest (at times) and a whole lot promiscuous (especially you ladies), and because of the duality of this sign, they can expect to be married more than once, spiritually or physically.

   To say Gemini's are reluctant to grow up is really understated, because Gemini's have no intention of doing so. They are perfect just as they are, so why try to improve on perfection?

   Gemini's can express love all day long, but it tends to be all in the head box, and not in the gear box. Gemini's can conceptualize love to the end of time, but putting it into practical form just ain't gonna happen. Why? Mainly because Gemini's are one of the mental signs of the zodiac and do not have the full emotional capacity of say an emotional sign like Cancer, Scorpio or Pisces. Besides, if Gemini doesn't like the atmosphere around them or the person, they just change the scenery, mentally!

   Gemini is another sign that also loves to rearrange furniture, so be careful when you come home late at night and jump into bed in this house, you might be in for an awful surprise. At the same time you may come home to the Gemini house and find strange workmen doing all kinds of things, without you even being informed about it, and it doesn't matter if the Gemini native lives there or not!

   Children to Gemini's (after a certain point) take on the characteristics of Yard Apes, or Yard Gorillas. Who are these little people who intrude on precious Gemini time, and NERVES. A Gemini's idea of telling bedtime stories includes the Headless Horseman, Night Stalker, the Texas chain saw Massacre & The Shining. The kind of stories that keep kids from coming back for more, or ever bothering them again!

   Gemini's hobbies are: Secrets, manipulating others, & fantasies of any kind. The Positive traits that Gemini's are known for include: Flirtation, unreliability, no restrictions, & no total commitments. After all, you have to leave some time for the gusto right?

Moon in Sagittarius:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   The man who invented the movie "born free" had to have his Moon in Sagittarius. These people are born with driving gloves embedded in their skin, and in this way they don't have to waste time when going for drive, after drive, after drive, trying to find them.

   Loving support is given to others by Moon in Sagittarius people by beating them over the head to listen to what they have to say, or embedding this weeks truth into the minds of the unsuspecting. People emerging from this feel like they have been run over by a bulldozer. Lighten up!

   Moon in Sagittarius people are the original inventors of the gaming wheel, and you will often find these natives at Atlantic City, or Las Vegas, trying to beat the odds, and some may very well just do that.

   One of my personal favorite associations for the Moon in Sagittarius (which I can both relate and admit to) is having lots and lots of acquaintances, but very few close friends.

   Most people have hobbies that include cooking or sewing. Instead, Moon in Sagittarius people enjoy fantasies with hundreds of naked maidens or their male counterparts, all cooking and sewing.

   Moon in Sagittarius natives are always happy and cheerful, and should there come a time when they become disgruntled in their present relationships they try to stay in good shape emotionally, even though they are moving out on you. " Hi Ho, Hi Ho, its off to another place I go" (The Moon in Sagittarius theme song)

   The unhappy Moon in Sagittarius native can suffer some problems with the hips or sciatic nerves can act up.

Mercury in Cancer:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   Give this person a life jacket, as their mind is constantly under water. In other words, the mind is bogged down in the glop of emotions, and they cannot separate them. On a positive note this position gives them the capacity for being extremely psychic, but they must develop it.

   Making love to them is so private they will be lucky if their lover can find them, much less do anything else! Yes, she was one of those quiet ones! The perfect fantasy for them is taking a casual boat trip to a remote island, sinking the boat saying "Oops, oh dopey me!, Looks like we will be here for awhile". "Now what can we do to pass the time until the rescue boat comes?"

   There should be signs in Libraries that say " No Cancerians allowed". They talk much too loud!

Venus in Cancer:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   This sign in the affection department is as changeable as diapers on a baby. They would make a better mother than a mate, so they should try adopting the world. This would be more satisfying for them, and less frustrating for suitors.

   Romancing this person can be quite expensive in the dry cleaning department. You never know when this person is going to cry, or, why?

   To really bring alive romance in this person, forget about going out. Stay home and have an intimate dinner for two. Remember to lock up the dogs, cats etc. and send the children out of town for a week.

   Don't forget candy and flowers when you visit these natives and don't hurt their feelings intentionally or unintentionally or you will wind up with someone with the personality of a wet dishtowel, tears and all and then your life is truly worth nothing.

Mars in Virgo:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

   To them, love making is much too messy, so why do it! Here is the lover who will bitch and moan about the quality of a condom. Details, details, details. Expect a complete internal and external examination before, during and after the actual act, which may be viewed as very messy, time consuming, and unnecessary.

   Hot Lips Hoolahan on Dramamine is how to define Mars in Virgo. Lovemaking is like lancing a boil to them, sterile and unfulfilling.

   Now here is a personal word of advice. If this person feels that they are doing all the work putting this evening of magic together, expect to hear about it, and hear about it, and hear about it. So, to make things short, make sure to hold up your end of it, which ever end that turns out to be.

  These people are the originators of everything must be on time, so don't be late, or early, or anywhere in between. Love making for them is a party of one, usually themselves, because they love to touch themselves, they just can't keep their hands off!

  Never, ever, ever give this person alcohol to get them into a romantic mood, all you get is the mouth of a sharp knife, . . . . sharpened!

  Yes, people do have to get undressed to have sex. I didn't invent it, it's just one of those things that you have to do. It's a whole concept.