The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Peter Jennings
July 29, 1938
12:00 PM
Toronto, Canada

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun      5 Leo 51
                 Moon    10 Vir 48
                 Mercury  3 Vir 00
                 Venus   17 Vir 40
                 Mars     4 Leo 20

                 Daylight Savings Time observed
                 GMT: 16:00:00   Time Zone: 5 hours West
 

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Sun in Leo:

Leo: Key Words: How great thou Art! What more needs to be said?

  "I did it for you, what do you mean you won't do it for me?", says the unappreciated Leo. That sums up the main characteristics of the Leo native, except they need to communicate without the use of a sledge hammer to bring their point across.

   Positive attributes for Leo natives is that they don't carry grudges in any situation, it is too much of an effort, instead Leo's carry coolers full of party favors around with them at all times, just in case an opportunity for fun and amusement comes up, and oh yes, Leo's talk very loud. Leos hate to compete, mainly because they are having too good a time and prefer doing nothing. It's an automatic "You win, let's party" situation.

   Leo's will spend every dime they have and some they don't have (on the old credit cards) to make an impression on this weeks love God or Goddess. In some instances (more than not) the Leo's search for romance and conquering proves very expensive, and very unsatisfying, if at takes place at all! The Leo male will find it amazing that they bring candy, flowers and all the niceties on a date or other informal setting and don't score, or their expectations are shot down, and then the same object of this Leo's affections will go out with the first person who mistreats them (figuratively) and maul them like a tigress making love for the very first time. It just baffles the Leo mind, but still he/she never gives up the pursuit of whatever they are pursuing?

   Typical male or female Leo careers can be found in Publishing or TV productions (you know the one, come on up to my office and read a script for me) and writing plays or movies.

   Marriage for the Leo male or female is like playing Russian Roulette with a slight twist. In this case, all the chambers have a bullet.

Moon in Virgo:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   The Moon in Virgo native suffers from an inferiority complex that overcompensates with a superior intellect resulting in cosmic hogwash.

   The Moon in Virgo person has no problem explaining to you all of your shortcomings, but hasn't the faintest idea what their own problem is. Here is where my favorite expression comes in: "When you argue with fools, you get FOOLISHNESS". The Moon in Virgo person places themselves into a position of straightening out all the things wrong in the world, while swimming in a cesspool the size of The Dead Sea. They seem to enjoy it, so don't mess with perfection.

   Health problems for the Moon in Virgo native include indigestion (from trying to perfect the outside world) and nerves (from failing to perfect the outside world). What a prize winning combination. Stop criticizing people Moon in Virgo people, its annoying, and you sound like an idiot when you do it, and last but not least, criticize yourself first, and perfect your world first, and everything else will fall into proper order!

   Moon in Virgo people cautiously select a lover after running a computer search of their family tree to see what afflictions they may have to deal with, and then have a medicine cabinet full of antidotes and vitamins, minerals, lots and lots of laxatives and plastic gloves in every size and variety to make an evening of love and romance very special, and antiseptic. This spawns a new era in safe sex for the partners of the Moon in Virgo people, simply stated it implies that if I have to go through all of this trouble to have sex, I would rather not have it at all. Perhaps that is the idea in the first place! Ya think?

   Expect Moon in Virgo people to have the dinner table cleaned, and dishes washed, as soon as your fork hits the plate, before or after attempting to eat. There is nothing quite like sitting down to the dinner table in surgical garb, plastic gloves and a hair net, to create just the right atmosphere. The adventure of it baffles some, and repulses many.

Mercury in Virgo:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

  Out of the mouths of babes, usually comes Yuck! This is the positive side of Mercury in Virgo.

  These people have very stable minds and a strong capacity for common sense. I'll bet they have loads of great recipes filed away in that computer they call a mind. These people are the crazoids who are intolerant of others stupidity? It is what they fear most within themselves!

  No one can possibly live up to the love fantasy they have created, complete with surgical tools, disinfectant and scuba gear. Love toys include wonder jelly, a probe (with a light on the tip of it), a surgical table with stirrups and anesthesia, lots of plastic gloves and other plastic appliances, condoms without holes in them, and lots of gauze. Who knows what the gauze is for, and who cares!

  Yes, people do have to get undressed to have sex. I didn't invent it, it's just one of those things that you have to do. It's a whole concept.

Venus in Virgo:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   A satisfactory relationship for this person consists of a can of bug spray squirted in the face of the loved one. If they make it through the Emergency Room then love stands a good chance of surviving. Living in a very sterile world is their forte, and females would make great housewives as long as you have them wired correctly, check the programming often, and keep a broom, mop, or kitchen utensil in their hand. All other elements of existence are void, non-existent, and especially not covered by manufacturers warranty.

   To Venus in Virgo natives lovemaking is about as interesting as a priest at a peep show. Well, most of them anyway. They will probably be a lot of fun during sex, if they ever get out of the twilight zone! Planning sex for them is the same as planning strategy in a football game, if all of the players are not in the right position, there won't be any touchdown.

  How do you actually spot this Vixen of Virtue? She is very easy to find. She has dinner on the table, greets you at the door only because you have dirty shoes, and says "kiss kiss, hug, hug" (words only, there is no visible physical contact involved). Making love to this person is as mechanical as fixing your car.

  Romance for them is to hang out at a monastery, and look for rejects.  A note of caution: Never, ever walk in on this placement while they are on the thrown, this is where they spend most of their recreational time and they are very guarded about their privacy.

  A romantic evening for Venus in Virgo would be to put a dinner plate on the table for their favorite animal, as it asks for nothing and give so much. Venus in Virgo people really get off on this.

  Never, under any circumstances, allow anyone with this placement to go into the bathroom to change into something more comfortable because you will never, ever see them again.

  Real romance for Venus in Virgo is found in men who are married, terminal patients, or totally disabled.

  Yes, people do have to get undressed to have sex, Venus in Virgo. I didn't invent it, it's just one of those things that you have to do. It's a whole concept.

Mars in Leo:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

  If you want to bore this Mars in Leo person to death, insist on foreplay. "What do you mean you won't make love to me? I took you to dinner and a show! What else do you want, a carriage ride through Central Park?"

  Once in the boudoir, they pounce on their prey like the Lions that they are, and with the finesse of Dracula, go right for the neck. Boy! are they off by a country mile. They can really make a mockery of love making and destroy the bed in the process.

  Heart trouble can plague these people, so make sure that you have the commanding position while making love or you may get crushed in the heat of the moment.