The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Paris Hilton
February 17, 1981
12:00 PM
New York, New York

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     28 Aqu 57
                 Moon    14 Leo 08
                 Mercury 28 Aqu 28
                 Venus   16 Aqu 50
                 Mars     8 Pis 30

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 17:00:00   Time Zone: 5 hours West

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Sun in Aquarius:

Aquarius - Key Words: "I Love You All. . . kind of!"

  "I love everybody, just don't bug me! I am loyal to everyone I make love with, and treat them all the same way", says the true Aquarian soul. Aquarians are such understanding lovers, that if their partner comes home and tells them that they are having an affair, the typical Aquarian would say "That's okay, I've been having one for years!". The Aquarian personality and makeup is so unique that they can have an affair with someone whether they are actually present or not.

  Whenever an Aquarian native has a penchant for meeting someone, they will use the art of communication like a day at a pig pen. Anything, I say anything is liable to roll off the Aquarian tongue. The wilder the better, as they love the shock of seeing the expressions on other peoples faces, and herein lies the inner person.

  Aquarians have the ideals of a child who is squirting their mother with a baby bottle. Just gotta be me! Some bad news -emotionally Aquarians are cold as a fly caught in a tray of ice cubes.

  People have a difficult time playing jokes on Aquarians, for instance stealing their address book wouldn't even phase them. They would never replace the names or the book, they would simply get new friends.

  An interesting facet of the Aquarian personality is that they have a unique talent for coming up with weird ideas for useless products. It's that progressive nature that needs a new look for Santa Claus and that streak of blue in his hair, or that traffic signal that can use an extra colored light that means indecision. Aquarians are also prolific in the art of disoriented speech and thoughts that have no relevant meaning, they simply exist as if on helium. Aquarians have also been accused of drinking like a fish.

  Although Aquarians have no concrete beliefs, they have an opinion on everything, and will offer it at any time, any place.

  For the Aquarian man, romance comes under the heading of recreational activities. Lovemaking is simply another way of making new acquaintances, and pornography may be Aquarius's line of work, or sideline. Marriage for Aquarians are ships that pass in the night, and here comes another one now. Marriage can be compared to summertime at the beach. What variety? How can they choose one, when they love so many.

  Positive traits of the Aquarians include: Absent minded behavior, interests only in ones self, a lack of confidence, and lack of insight.

Moon in Leo:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   "See me? See who I am? Aren't my new shoes pretty?", says the Moon in Leo native. Everything is done in the style of the great "showoff" for the Moon in Leo native, including the flowing hair and the need to be appreciated for any efforts they put forth, whether deserved or not.

   Anything will offend people with their Moon in Leo, just walk up to them for no reason and say "What a creep!", and watch them become unglued. There is a strong need to be an Authority Figure here, even if they wash dishes for a living, for they have a natural attitude which I lovingly call the Napoleonic syndrome, or man holding up his pants. Perhaps Napoleon wasn't holding up his pants, and if he wasn't, what was he holding up ? HMMM?

   Money is much more important to Moon in Leo people than they realize, so take a moment and think about it, then accept it. Okay, time is up.

   Moon in Leo natives have a hidden desire for power which will leap out when least expected like a tornado headed for a trailer park, usually with the same intensity.

   For Moon in Leo people the pleasure from love making can be derived as a side effect from loyalty as well as the physical manifestation, or love and devotion from others has the same effect, which really turns them on.

   While on a date with a Moon in Leo person, expect them to jump up on any stage and grab the microphone, even if there is no stage, or microphone. You might say Moon in Leo natives are just a little bit insecure and need attention, or perhaps they are trying to be fashionable.

   Moon in Leo natives see everything revolving around them, with them as the center, just as the sun is the center of the Universe. I knew it had to be someone's fault.

   It is extremely easy to spot the emotionally unhappy Moon in Leo native, either they are flat on their backs because their back has gone out, or they are suffering chest pains from excessive stress.

   People with this placement tend to dominate others with all of the grace and finesse of Hagar the Horrible (Cartoon Character in the funny papers).

   While in the home of a Moon in Leo person, expect to have a tour guide take you around to show off all of the artwork and other meaningless articles which are bound to be strewn about waiting to adored. You might even see the Moon in Leo native themselves strutting around as well, in full fanciful garb who seems to fit into the decor, waiting for equal adoration.

Mercury in Aquarius:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   These people are very good judges of character, but can act like a bull in a china shop," Too Stubborn!"

   They would make good writers or excellent speakers with the possibility of some original thoughts and perceptions, but they must work at it and develop it.

   The idea of lovemaking turns them into jelly, as they coagulate at the actual act, so they keep it in the hemisphere, where they can watch their own movie, while the real thing is happening somewhere else.

   You cannot surprise these natives, there must be some kind of emotions to be surprised. If you try, the reaction would probably be passing wind, a smile, and a "that was interesting, . . so what's next?"

   Be extra careful what you think about when you are near these people, as they can pick all data like a sponge. They are very telepathic, especially if you are thinking about someone else while you are making love to them!

   A great position for this placement would be working in a laboratory or any field related to science which comes easily for them. They are a little nutty, but very good at it.

Venus in Aquarius:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   Venus in Aquarius has all of the emotional satisfaction of an ice cube down your pants, which by the way has the same results for these people. They have no scruples in romance or lovemaking and will go after anything that walks, talks, or crawls with the emotions of a snowman that even the sun cannot melt.

   This native also has the capacity to make rehearsed and prerecorded sounds while making love. As an example: "Oh baby, oh yes baby, do it now, oh yes baby". Don't put any emotions into it while you read it, just read it, then you have the emotions.

   Commitments for Venus in Aquarius are limited to hello, and goodbye. "Oh look, someone new to play with until something more interesting comes along".

   Foreplay and emotional response for this sign is best illustrated by reading a book while making love, or instead of it making the same sounds associated with the sexual act.

   There was an old story that I heard a long time ago that illustrates this native to a "T". "If I should fall asleep while we are making love, please pull my nightgown down". It's coarse and uncouth I agree, but accurate.

Mars in Pisces:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

   Mars in Pisces is sweet, with all the goodness you could ask for unless you make them mad, they are then into revenge that only The Son of Sam (a fun loving murderer) could satisfy.

   These natives are pretty quiet on the outside but this should be viewed as a warning in itself. Inwardly, the pot and the pressure cooker do boileth.

   They are very sensitive and need someone gentle and tender like underdone meat. A relationship with the Scorpio of the species would be just too much and would smoke the tires off their mainframe. A much lighter touch does the trick here and if you happen to be sacrificing yourself at the same time, that's okay too!

   For Mars in Pisces love takes place in the Masochistic state, half bondage, and half "Yes Master, Yes Master". Traditionally Mars in Pisces is said to be the prostitutes of the Zodiac, but it's not so . . ., you are just a little loose in the caboose!

  Mars in Pisces people have the ability to have sex at or during a psychic fair or sťance, feeling it was a great spiritual experience.