The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Natalie Portman
June 9, 1981
12:00 PM
Jerusalem, Israel

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     18 Gem 28
                 Moon    17 Vir 44
                 Mercury  5 Can 13
                 Venus    5 Can 04
                 Mars     2 Gem 59

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 10:00:00   Time Zone: 2 hours East

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Sun in Gemini:

Gemini - Key Words: The Sinister and the Minister

  "The flake on a mission, or the flake without a mission. Who is to say?" Gemini's are just their own kind of person. Now what is wrong with that I ask you? Gemini's may find their mark in life with the help of a seeing eye dog, then shoot the dog for knowing more than them.

   You can always tell a bored Gemini by the disgusted look on their face while making love the same way, over and over again. The "recreational love making sign" is what we call Gemini natives, because they treat making love like a vacation. Why go away from home Gemini, when you can have it your way, any day? Love making is not enough by themselves, they must do it with their friends. That is to say he or she must be a friend to the Gemini. Yeah, that's it!

   To say that Gemini natives are nervous is an understatement, as they must be busy doing at least 7 things all at the same time. They need that pressure and stress to keep them going, its like being high on Helium, ALL THE TIME!

   The lungs and arms are the weakest bodily parts here, it's because of all of that blasted gesturing that they do as if they were bringing planes in for a landing on an aircraft carrier. Gemini people should get lots of sleep to heal that paranoid, weird and nervous behavior that is likely to arise without warning, scaring people to death! Gemini is the jokester who leaves humorous messages on your answering machine, never letting you know who it was that called in the first place.

   The typical Gemini's mouth is like a "chattering teeth toy", you know what I mean, the teeth you wind up and put on the table and it goes on and on and on. There should be a subtitle on the side of the box of this toy that says "These used to belong to a Gemini". Gemini's have the capability of verbally cutting anything in front of their mouth like a knife through butter, with the same ease. No matter who they are, or how big the competition is! Sometimes they can get carried away a wee bit much though, but are they ever full of remorse afterwards? Never! As a matter of fact they find a good verbal thrashing much more satisfying than sex.

   When Gemini people apply for a job, their job application may read like the Queen of England has applied in person, or perhaps the President of the US, with the possibility that everything on it (including their name) may be little white lies, or classic WHOPPERS. Gemini people are somewhat dishonest (at times) and a whole lot promiscuous (especially you ladies), and because of the duality of this sign, they can expect to be married more than once, spiritually or physically.

   To say Gemini's are reluctant to grow up is really understated, because Gemini's have no intention of doing so. They are perfect just as they are, so why try to improve on perfection?

   Gemini's can express love all day long, but it tends to be all in the head box, and not in the gear box. Gemini's can conceptualize love to the end of time, but putting it into practical form just ain't gonna happen. Why? Mainly because Gemini's are one of the mental signs of the zodiac and do not have the full emotional capacity of say an emotional sign like Cancer, Scorpio or Pisces. Besides, if Gemini doesn't like the atmosphere around them or the person, they just change the scenery, mentally!

   Gemini is another sign that also loves to rearrange furniture, so be careful when you come home late at night and jump into bed in this house, you might be in for an awful surprise. At the same time you may come home to the Gemini house and find strange workmen doing all kinds of things, without you even being informed about it, and it doesn't matter if the Gemini native lives there or not!

   Children to Gemini's (after a certain point) take on the characteristics of Yard Apes, or Yard Gorillas. Who are these little people who intrude on precious Gemini time, and NERVES. A Gemini's idea of telling bedtime stories includes the Headless Horseman, Night Stalker, the Texas chain saw Massacre & The Shining. The kind of stories that keep kids from coming back for more, or ever bothering them again!

   Gemini's hobbies are: Secrets, manipulating others, & fantasies of any kind. The Positive traits that Gemini's are known for include: Flirtation, unreliability, no restrictions, & no total commitments. After all, you have to leave some time for the gusto right?

Moon in Virgo:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   The Moon in Virgo native suffers from an inferiority complex that overcompensates with a superior intellect resulting in cosmic hogwash.

   The Moon in Virgo person has no problem explaining to you all of your shortcomings, but hasn't the faintest idea what their own problem is. Here is where my favorite expression comes in: "When you argue with fools, you get FOOLISHNESS". The Moon in Virgo person places themselves into a position of straightening out all the things wrong in the world, while swimming in a cesspool the size of The Dead Sea. They seem to enjoy it, so don't mess with perfection.

   Health problems for the Moon in Virgo native include indigestion (from trying to perfect the outside world) and nerves (from failing to perfect the outside world). What a prize winning combination. Stop criticizing people Moon in Virgo people, its annoying, and you sound like an idiot when you do it, and last but not least, criticize yourself first, and perfect your world first, and everything else will fall into proper order!

   Moon in Virgo people cautiously select a lover after running a computer search of their family tree to see what afflictions they may have to deal with, and then have a medicine cabinet full of antidotes and vitamins, minerals, lots and lots of laxatives and plastic gloves in every size and variety to make an evening of love and romance very special, and antiseptic. This spawns a new era in safe sex for the partners of the Moon in Virgo people, simply stated it implies that if I have to go through all of this trouble to have sex, I would rather not have it at all. Perhaps that is the idea in the first place! Ya think?

   Expect Moon in Virgo people to have the dinner table cleaned, and dishes washed, as soon as your fork hits the plate, before or after attempting to eat. There is nothing quite like sitting down to the dinner table in surgical garb, plastic gloves and a hair net, to create just the right atmosphere. The adventure of it baffles some, and repulses many.

Mercury in Cancer:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   Give this person a life jacket, as their mind is constantly under water. In other words, the mind is bogged down in the glop of emotions, and they cannot separate them. On a positive note this position gives them the capacity for being extremely psychic, but they must develop it.

   Making love to them is so private they will be lucky if their lover can find them, much less do anything else! Yes, she was one of those quiet ones! The perfect fantasy for them is taking a casual boat trip to a remote island, sinking the boat saying "Oops, oh dopey me!, Looks like we will be here for awhile". "Now what can we do to pass the time until the rescue boat comes?"

   There should be signs in Libraries that say " No Cancerians allowed". They talk much too loud!

Venus in Cancer:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   This sign in the affection department is as changeable as diapers on a baby. They would make a better mother than a mate, so they should try adopting the world. This would be more satisfying for them, and less frustrating for suitors.

   Romancing this person can be quite expensive in the dry cleaning department. You never know when this person is going to cry, or, why?

   To really bring alive romance in this person, forget about going out. Stay home and have an intimate dinner for two. Remember to lock up the dogs, cats etc. and send the children out of town for a week.

   Don't forget candy and flowers when you visit these natives and don't hurt their feelings intentionally or unintentionally or you will wind up with someone with the personality of a wet dishtowel, tears and all and then your life is truly worth nothing.

Mars in Gemini:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

  Anything can arouse people with this placement, from kitchen appliances to sitting on the washing machine during spin cycle to lights in the far off distance.

  Mars in Gemini people use sarcasm and subtleties to make love with you. "Hey, it's been 4 days without sex!, lets get to it, I've got a cake in the oven".

  They have the kind of energy that allows them to make love to you and then go out and fix the car, and this is the woman! If you happen to have the car in the bedroom at the same time, this would be great, because then they can really do 2 things at once, which they are so good at.

  Love making is an outlet for a screwed up nervous system. That's a tip, from me to you. This is to be considered an aspirin for a Gemini.

  When this person plans on sex at a certain time and place, don't expect them to be anywhere around, as they are as unreliable/unpredictable as the NY subway.

  The native with this placement gets turned on by thinking about every Clint Eastwood movie ever made. Their love making partner had better be prepared to act out a prearranged scenario set up entirely by them.

  Love turn ons for Mars in Gemini people are: sign language, body language, or Morse code which is flashed at them by a passing ship. They require a more gentle touch. Being pounced on by a 300 pound gorilla wouldn't be their particular cup of tea. They can get so deeply wrapped up in the imaginative part of lovemaking, that there may not have to be anyone with them at that particular time to make them truly satisfied.

   Gemini's are great at faking sex acts, and Gemini men are great at substituting anything but the real thing for male prowess. Gemini men are also considered perverts, but you didn't hear that from me.