The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Melanie Jayne Chisholm
January 12, 1974
12:00 PM
Liverpool, England

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     21 Cap 54
                 Moon    17 Vir 01
                 Mercury 23 Cap 53
                 Venus    9 Aqu 35
                 Mars     7 Tau 03

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 12:00:00   Time Zone: 0 hours West

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Sun in Capricorn:

Capricorn - Key Words: The analytical constipated mind

   Persuading Capricorns to make love has to be done under hypnosis, otherwise it is a fruitless endeavor. In fact, when choosing a long time relationship Capricorn, choose someone who has been dead for at least 50 years. Capricorns are so controlled, that they may actually die a statue, trouble is, no one may know the difference. The author of this whimsy was married to a Capricorn lady once, and being a Leo I was interested in my performance in that very intimate moment. To make a long story short, as I looked at my Capricorn mate in bed afterwards, I actually thought she had passed away. It was difficult to distinguish life from lifelessness at that moment. This summed up intimacy and marriage to a Capricorn.

   The Capricorn's lovemaking technique has all of the warmth of an iceberg, but good news, if they held onto their partner in lovemaking like they do their career, they would get the academy award for sensuality. Don't worry though, it'll never happen.

   In business, arguments, relationships or career, Capricorns would never enter into anything that they have the slightest possibility of losing at.

   If you want to completely screw up the Capricorn mind, give them a computer for their birthday, or go away and "forget" to leave instructions for the food processor, microwave, washing machine or dryer. Try to tape it for future reference, as the laughs will be precious as their analytical minds try to unboggle the mysteries of DOS in computers, or Convection in Microwaves.

   As an example, Al Capone was a Capricorn. He had a whimsical habit of beating people to death with a baseball bat.

   How can you spot a Capricorn at a party? They are the ones telling the same old joke, over and over again, thinking it is something new and exciting, and for the first time.

   Like the sign Taurus, Capricorns use the same restaurants and same Motel/Hotel year after year after year, whether they enjoyed it or not.

   You can always tell a Capricorn home, there is only one phone, placed in the middle for access from any part of the house.

   A Capricorn's career is one where as an administrator they excel because they are cold and suspicious. These are some of Capricorns most charming attributes.

   There are ways to get through that tough Capricorn exterior though, as they are very vulnerable to criticism. Even though Capricorns will never admit it, it rumbles there beneath the surface. Keep at it long enough and watch the alarms and overloads go off in their heads. Although Capricorns always look in control, they have the inner anxiety control of a meadow muffin, and fear of public opinion is right up there with constipation for any Capricorn.

  To get a Capricorn's attention to make love, interrogate them, it will blow their mind, and start the inevitable wheels a turnin' (What are they after? What is their motivation?) If you do turn this Capricorn on, then I hope you don't mind wearing the bracelets slaves used to wear, because this is the kind of loyalty this love munchkin needs.

  Capricorns do fall in love though, with the same consistency of Halley's Comet, lasting about as long as the observation of it.

  Okay, so now you are in tight with this Capricorn, you are in a relationship of master and slave and . . . what happens next? It's like a blasted soap opera, you have to wait for script changes and do everything exactly as it is written, and for goodness sake, no method acting, that will spoil everything! As far as marriage goes, if you can strike a good bargain with your Capricorn, they will resemble a good companion, like a dog.

  Capricorns often marry early just to get out of the circumstances they are in, usually making life no better than it was to begin with.

  Women of the species would be better off marrying a Golden Retriever. After all, loyalty is everything!

Moon in Virgo:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   The Moon in Virgo native suffers from an inferiority complex that overcompensates with a superior intellect resulting in cosmic hogwash.

   The Moon in Virgo person has no problem explaining to you all of your shortcomings, but hasn't the faintest idea what their own problem is. Here is where my favorite expression comes in: "When you argue with fools, you get FOOLISHNESS". The Moon in Virgo person places themselves into a position of straightening out all the things wrong in the world, while swimming in a cesspool the size of The Dead Sea. They seem to enjoy it, so don't mess with perfection.

   Health problems for the Moon in Virgo native include indigestion (from trying to perfect the outside world) and nerves (from failing to perfect the outside world). What a prize winning combination. Stop criticizing people Moon in Virgo people, its annoying, and you sound like an idiot when you do it, and last but not least, criticize yourself first, and perfect your world first, and everything else will fall into proper order!

   Moon in Virgo people cautiously select a lover after running a computer search of their family tree to see what afflictions they may have to deal with, and then have a medicine cabinet full of antidotes and vitamins, minerals, lots and lots of laxatives and plastic gloves in every size and variety to make an evening of love and romance very special, and antiseptic. This spawns a new era in safe sex for the partners of the Moon in Virgo people, simply stated it implies that if I have to go through all of this trouble to have sex, I would rather not have it at all. Perhaps that is the idea in the first place! Ya think?

   Expect Moon in Virgo people to have the dinner table cleaned, and dishes washed, as soon as your fork hits the plate, before or after attempting to eat. There is nothing quite like sitting down to the dinner table in surgical garb, plastic gloves and a hair net, to create just the right atmosphere. The adventure of it baffles some, and repulses many.

Mercury in Capricorn:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

  Here is the computer memory that pays attention to all details, even though they do not know how to operate a computer. This is the person you need to see to all of those fine finishing points in projects. For goodness sakes, learn how to laugh, and get a sense of humor Mercury in Capricorn! Actually they do have a sense of humor, they are the people who get a kick out of telling you that your loan has been turned down. I'll bet this native has problems with constipation and soreness in body joints. Take a laxative, take two, have a bowel movement, be happy and lighten up!

   You can easily spot these people behind the wheel of their cars, they are they ones doing 40 MPH in a 55MPH zone, thinking they are going too fast! Their speech is so slowed down that you just know they took diction lessons from Mel Tillis, or they are going through life in slow motion.

   They would make a great school teacher, you know the kind, with the pointer in one hand, and student by the hair in the other. You can tell their classroom at a glance, it is the one where everyone has fallen asleep out of boredom.

   Foreplay for them is looking at a room of extraordinarily beautiful women/men doing aerobics and thinking about how much work they have to do at the office. Here is the constipated mind at work and play.

   During, before or after making love, they are not verbal, demonstrative, alive, appreciative, compassionate, passionate, or physical. They do like to critique the activity though and give it a passing or failing grade, even though they are unsure what it is all about.

   Abnormalities in lovemaking for them is breathing, sweating, yelling "Do it now" at the top of their lungs, or moans, groans or whimpering.

Venus in Aquarius:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   Venus in Aquarius has all of the emotional satisfaction of an ice cube down your pants, which by the way has the same results for these people. They have no scruples in romance or lovemaking and will go after anything that walks, talks, or crawls with the emotions of a snowman that even the sun cannot melt.

   This native also has the capacity to make rehearsed and prerecorded sounds while making love. As an example: "Oh baby, oh yes baby, do it now, oh yes baby". Don't put any emotions into it while you read it, just read it, then you have the emotions.

   Commitments for Venus in Aquarius are limited to hello, and goodbye. "Oh look, someone new to play with until something more interesting comes along".

   Foreplay and emotional response for this sign is best illustrated by reading a book while making love, or instead of it making the same sounds associated with the sexual act.

   There was an old story that I heard a long time ago that illustrates this native to a "T". "If I should fall asleep while we are making love, please pull my nightgown down". It's coarse and uncouth I agree, but accurate.

Mars in Taurus:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

  This is the placement of the person who will do anything for money. I would never suggest that this person would prostitute themselves for money! Well, alright I would! A word of advice, a person with this placement is as possessive as a gorilla with a banana and just as resentful and jealous if you get it away from them.

  A Taurus in heat has all the grace of a Brahma bull trying to freight train a Rodeo Clown, and with just about the same results. There they are, lying flat and looking straight up with no idea who, or what you are, much less where!

  You can tell a sexually frustrated Taurus very easily. You will find them in the kitchen cooking, . . . . EVERYTHING! When this sign releases their love making passion, the results are similar to having a building drop on you, a very large building. This is to say that when they give themselves, they give themselves completely. Who wants complete, instead save some for a rainy day!

  If this native knows they can get a great deal by doing a slightly naughty favor, expect a fantastic reaction to your proposition. Just make sure that you understand who owns what in the long run.