The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Liv Tyler
July 1, 1977
12:00 PM
Portland, Maine

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun      9 Can 41
                 Moon    17 Cap 04
                 Mercury 11 Can 42
                 Venus   24 Tau 46
                 Mars    18 Tau 42

                 Daylight Savings Time observed
                 GMT: 16:00:00   Time Zone: 5 hours West

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Sun in Cancer:

Cancer - Key words: The Heights of Heaven and the Depths of Hell, usually both at the same time.

  "How dare you tell me I'm paranoid, and just so you know it, I know the bathrooms are bugged at work", says the confident Cancer. Mr. or Ms. Cancerian, do the world a favor and stop telling people you love them all of the time! God, that is annoying, once a week is more than enough! Go in the kitchen and bake if you are feeling distressed, it's the same energy, different demonstration of affection, get it?

   Wanna have some fun with a Cancerian native? All you have to do is criticize them. Then stand back and watch them become unglued at the seams. Watch them head for the refrigerator or Burger King. It's Carbohydrate time! Remember to buy extra cheese or keep it on hand for such occasions. Cancerians can go through cheese by the pound, and it doesn't matter what kind!

   Cancerians are the masters of misdirection and inadmissible evidence, as they have it down to a science. Everyone knows (at some point) that they have them nailed for doing something sinister now and then, they just can't prove it, or put their finger on how they got away with it, no matter what the circumstances.

   Cancerians most positive attributes are: Spying and blackmailing and at the drop of a hat, they will worry about anything and everything.

   Before marrying a Cancerian, check the umbilical cord to see how close to mommy they are, there may still be a direct connection no matter what the age.

   Cancerians are the ones whose desks are always neat and tidy! When it comes to money however, their hands can resemble lobster claws as they reach out for what is theirs.

   The Cancerian's greatest attribute to an employer is the ability to fire people. They just love it, especially when people have to be cleared out by high noon or face a showdown. Other positive Cancerian traits is the capacity for jealousy and possessiveness above and beyond the call of duty.

   All signs have the ability to abuse things, and in the Cancerians case it is any form of dairy product (CHEESE!). Cancerians absolutely love anything that will carbohydrate themselves into a false sense of security.

Moon in Capricorn:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   Moon in Capricorn natives are not happy campers in general as there is too much of a Hitler complex that needs controlling. Moon in Capricorn people need to add lots of fiber to their diet to avoid constipated feelings, constipated body, and constipated mind. Moon in Capricorn natives often suffer from arthritis or aches and pains in bodily joints or in the structural bones or back as a result of stress.

   The Moon in Capricorn person has all of the spiritual awareness of a stone and I'm not talking about crystals or Stonehenge either. To be fair, in the more evolved Capricorn, we find great teachers and Masters, but the standard everyday variety has their own needs in mind, and they can be extremely selfish, worrying about their own desires, and pretty soon their own needs become their master and their teacher. The Moon in Capricorns radar is always on for the two most important things in their lives, which is power and money and their acquisition makes them happy and secure.

   Moon in Capricorn natives truly believe that all relationships that start out in their teens as difficult, will continue for life much the same way as though they deserve nothing better for themselves. This is their way of convincing themselves they are right when things that inevitably go wrong, go wrong. Last but not least, when you allow a negative thought pattern embedded in your emotions, it will take a very big and brawny man or woman to change your mind.

   Capricorns are loyal beyond the call of duty in relationships, and will stay there even when the last act is over, the fat lady has sung her merry tune, and everyone has long since forgotten the whole incident. They hang on to people, places and things, especially children until they get a cosmic slap in the face to let go, and live their own life.

   These days, dear Capricorn native, the only safe lover is one that sleeps all the time. That's one way to keep them loyal now isn't it Moon in Capricorn?

   The Moon in Capricorn natives need a lover who will gently beat them beside the head with any object that is handy to get them to be noticed. Once they find this person, Moon in Capricorn natives know they are somewhat sincere. Group love making for these natives is standing in the corner contemplating their navel. Moon in Capricorn people are the types that feel a gift is just as good as making love. " Here is a dollar for your troubles my dear, or how about something practical like a toaster oven.", says the person with Moon in Capricorn.

Mercury in Cancer:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   Give this person a life jacket, as their mind is constantly under water. In other words, the mind is bogged down in the glop of emotions, and they cannot separate them. On a positive note this position gives them the capacity for being extremely psychic, but they must develop it.

   Making love to them is so private they will be lucky if their lover can find them, much less do anything else! Yes, she was one of those quiet ones! The perfect fantasy for them is taking a casual boat trip to a remote island, sinking the boat saying "Oops, oh dopey me!, Looks like we will be here for awhile". "Now what can we do to pass the time until the rescue boat comes?"

   There should be signs in Libraries that say " No Cancerians allowed". They talk much too loud!

Venus in Taurus:

   Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   Kissing a person with this placement has all of the sensitivity of a wet sponge hitting you in the face, again, and again and all of that with no foreplay.

   I am woman hear me roar, is the battle cry of the female Venus in Taurus. Picture a bull getting ready to freight train a man in a funny costume with a cape yelling "come and get me" in Spanish! Ah yes, love sweet love, in its most primitive state, this is the essence of these fun lovers.

   Here is the typical Venus in Taurus explaining what belongs to them "Everything" of course. Implements to have on hand for Venus in Taurus must include the following: Ankle and wrist bracelets, a 24 hr. pocket pager and an interrogation manual. "I will make you over in my image", says the overly possessive Venus in Taurus.

   It would be wise for their partners to own or operate a restaurant offering the finest cuisine or a flower shop with a full stock of long stemmed roses. Have on hand a pre-recorded tape of the endless loop variety that keeps saying "I love you . . . I adore you . . . I love you . . . I adore you. . .", because objects of their love are guaranteed to run out of gas, way before they do! They also have the ability to magnetize and imprison what they want. After all, what is theirs, is theirs!

Mars in Taurus:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

  This is the placement of the person who will do anything for money. I would never suggest that this person would prostitute themselves for money! Well, alright I would! A word of advice, a person with this placement is as possessive as a gorilla with a banana and just as resentful and jealous if you get it away from them.

  A Taurus in heat has all the grace of a Brahma bull trying to freight train a Rodeo Clown, and with just about the same results. There they are, lying flat and looking straight up with no idea who, or what you are, much less where!

  You can tell a sexually frustrated Taurus very easily. You will find them in the kitchen cooking, . . . . EVERYTHING! When this sign releases their love making passion, the results are similar to having a building drop on you, a very large building. This is to say that when they give themselves, they give themselves completely. Who wants complete, instead save some for a rainy day!

  If this native knows they can get a great deal by doing a slightly naughty favor, expect a fantastic reaction to your proposition. Just make sure that you understand who owns what in the long run.