The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Lindsay Lohan
July 2, 1986
12:00 PM
New York, New York

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     10 Can 28
                 Moon    20 Tau 53
                 Mercury  4 Leo 27
                 Venus   19 Leo 40
                 Mars    19 Cap 47

                 Daylight Savings Time observed
                 GMT: 16:00:00   Time Zone: 5 hours West

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Sun in Cancer:

Cancer - Key words: The Heights of Heaven and the Depths of Hell, usually both at the same time.

  "How dare you tell me I'm paranoid, and just so you know it, I know the bathrooms are bugged at work", says the confident Cancer. Mr. or Ms. Cancerian, do the world a favor and stop telling people you love them all of the time! God, that is annoying, once a week is more than enough! Go in the kitchen and bake if you are feeling distressed, it's the same energy, different demonstration of affection, get it?

   Wanna have some fun with a Cancerian native? All you have to do is criticize them. Then stand back and watch them become unglued at the seams. Watch them head for the refrigerator or Burger King. It's Carbohydrate time! Remember to buy extra cheese or keep it on hand for such occasions. Cancerians can go through cheese by the pound, and it doesn't matter what kind!

   Cancerians are the masters of misdirection and inadmissible evidence, as they have it down to a science. Everyone knows (at some point) that they have them nailed for doing something sinister now and then, they just can't prove it, or put their finger on how they got away with it, no matter what the circumstances.

   Cancerians most positive attributes are: Spying and blackmailing and at the drop of a hat, they will worry about anything and everything.

   Before marrying a Cancerian, check the umbilical cord to see how close to mommy they are, there may still be a direct connection no matter what the age.

   Cancerians are the ones whose desks are always neat and tidy! When it comes to money however, their hands can resemble lobster claws as they reach out for what is theirs.

   The Cancerian's greatest attribute to an employer is the ability to fire people. They just love it, especially when people have to be cleared out by high noon or face a showdown. Other positive Cancerian traits is the capacity for jealousy and possessiveness above and beyond the call of duty.

   All signs have the ability to abuse things, and in the Cancerians case it is any form of dairy product (CHEESE!). Cancerians absolutely love anything that will carbohydrate themselves into a false sense of security.

Moon in Taurus:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   The almighty dollar is their weakness, it makes them strong, needed, and gives them a strong sense of power over others. A real stubbornness exists with people with Moon in Taurus that simply must have the last word in any conversation and, cannot stop or give in to any situation even though they know they are dead wrong . . . . "I know money is what I need, I'm insecure!" says the typical Taurean, "and I hate to charge you anything at all for my services", "But that will be $35. just the same."

   If you want to see a Moon in Taurus native blow a fuse and have an emotional breakdown (which isn't probable under normal circumstances), give them two things to do at the same time and tell them you need them both, yesterday, or see if they can juggle and chew gum at the same time. You'll probably get the reply "Do you want me to chew gum, or juggle, now make up your mind!" Just for a laugh, tell this Moon in Taurus native you are going to make a change in their job description. Lead it off with "To Include: In addition to your present job, the list that follows:" Ah, the panic in their minds as gears change, brain cells snap, the eyes go buggy and around in circles, and "terror" rattles the nervous system, then, the inevitable cigarette goes into the mouth, like a pacifier.

   The Moon in Taurus's emotions tend to be steady, just like making bank deposits week after week, after week, easy does it! Yes, we are secure now, and we're feeling much better, thank you! You can always tell an emotionally unhappy Moon in Taurus person because they always wind up with sore throats or problems with the throat, or have their heads buried in the cookie jar and any form of sweets.

   The typical Moon in Taurus native is very practical, and uses instinct in emotional situations. This means, that if it feels good, and they can profit by it, they'll do it, no matter what the task!

   Moon in Taurus natives never rush into love, for love to them is like moldy cheese in the refrigerator, just waiting to be thrown out because they just never got around to it. At that very moment, they take notice of it. Courtships are not the Moon in Taurus's style, because to them, it is just a bunch of Indians running around in circles. After awhile, they forget who is who and why. Moon in Taurus natives don't commit easily, and when they do, they should be committed, literally. In other words, some people find commitments give strength to relationships, but Moon in Taurus people see it as a sign of ownership.

Mercury in Leo:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

  These people have the ability to write and talk to other people who aren't there, and this is the person who can play act a part with or without a partner. "Oh to be me, for all the world to see!"

  Remember in the Wizard of Oz and the Tin Man who wanted a brain? Enough said! They must learn to exercise their mind some, in other words start using it.

  These natives are the authors of the unabridged version of:" My mouth is open. I will utter something, and you will admire and adore me". Mercury in Leo people can be best described as "The Phony, trying to push Bologna!"

  For Mercury in Leo people, love takes place in the mind, but falls short in the physical, leaving you exhausted and frustrated. In their mind however, they  had a great time and feel that their partner should say it was great as well. After all, she/he was there too! Or were they?

  A story is just a story, but with a little exaggeration mixed with a little accentuation and a whole lot of imagination, and it is not a story anymore. It becomes an event, an adventure, a metaphor of meadow muffins, and a downright hilarious one at that!  I should know for it is I, the author of this satirical interpretation who has spent long hours putting together this mindless piece of artwork. I am a gosh darned one man show, with the applauds, the thank you's, and the endless speeches with no one else around. I think it makes for fun reading though, don't you? Well, what do you know anyway? On with the show!

Venus in Leo:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   This sign has the emotional response of a wall switch and just as exciting. They can be compassionate and demonstrative when they want to be, and calculating sometimes in what they wish to acquire.

   The woman of the species must be admired, cherished, and complimented on every aspect of her being, and then some.

   Men of the species usually lay enough compliments on you to make you barf and feel good about it afterwards. Love that satisfies the ego side of the self belongs to Venus in Leo.

   People with this placement are demonstrative and will probably try to seduce you while acting out Romeo & Juliet, or some other kinky invention or intention.

   Excitement is the key for these people. Have you ever tried making love while hand gliding or swinging from a chandelier. The more expensive display these people can put on to get you in the mood, the better and it seems the head waiter always knows these people, whether they have been in the restaurant before or not.

Mars in Capricorn:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

   Always there and faithful, like laundry day is the Mars in Capricorn native. They prefer to set up specific boundaries with their lover. "This is my side of the bed and that is yours, I don't cross over to your side, and you don't cross over to mine" The sex act now completed, you may both now smoke a cigarette and bask in the rapture of the moment, and back to business as usual.

  Mars in Capricorn in intimate moments is like trying to move an immovable object. They use the Military position of love which is the ability to make love while standing or laying down completely at attention with absolutely no bodily parts moving or responding. Kneeling is optional if done carefully. Making love to a Mars in Capricorn person is like trying to hump a dry Martini.

  Mars in this position points to a lack of sensuality, but it is overcompensated for by an abundance of materialistic attitudes. If you want to make an impression on this native, give them something material, but expect to be interrogated, as this position of Mars uses this as foreplay. If you pass, you're in. If not, try bigger gifts.

  These people are so practical that they actually plan out going to the bathroom and make it an event. If they can charge money for a peek then so much the better.

  They have a very high degree of self control and discipline in everything except but being able to go to the bathroom on a regular basis. They have the regularity of concrete. Why? Because rigid thinking and actions dominate the body, both structurally and dietary. The diet is so insufficient with this placement that you may actually find them eating dead things on a cracker thinking they have found ecstasy.

  If you really want to impress this person, for their birthday have the house put under attack by terrorists because they love a good challenge. For this reason they would have made great military minds and strategists.