The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Krista Allen
April 5, 1972
5:45 AM
Ventura, California

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     15 Ari 52
                 Moon    29 Sag 42
                 Mercury  6 Ari 51
                 Venus    1 Gem 38
                 Mars     6 Gem 07

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 13:45:00   Time Zone: 8 hours West

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Sun in Aries:

Aries: Key words: The Egomaniac.  EGO: for the hell of it.

   The word Spirituality and Aries are never used together in the same sentence, at least not on purpose. A Spiritual moment for the typical Aries native is closing another business deal, or just looking marvelous. Promising more than they can ever hope to deliver is a bad habit to get into for the Aries native, but all of us fall into that trap once in awhile, and Aries most of the time however, it's just that they are more prone to it, and really enjoy it. They have the reputation of being real mavericks or madmen (or madwomen), sometimes both at the same time, letting their fists do the talking for them. Remember though Aries people, he who lives by the sword . . . can also get cut by it.

   While talking to an Aries male or female, pay careful attention to their eyes, and you can get a good idea who they would rather be having a conversation with, as their eyes wander around the room looking for someone more interesting, most likely someone who can further their career or do something for them. Aries people are self absorbed, and what "they" are doing in life is more important than what other people are doing, unless doing something for someone else will make the Aries look good, then that is a much different story. After all, appearances are most important to the Aries person.

   Aries are often accused of having foul mouths, but only in private situations or in moments of frustration which can occur moment by moment. Aries people may work themselves to death to forget they are going to die, even though people are telling them to lighten up. It takes a real crisis for an Aries to pay attention to his/her health, and even then Aries will push it aside, considering it a fluke knowing it couldn't happen to them again, and go on with life as if nothing had happened.

   Impatience with small details winds up costing them in the long run as Aries people are lousy at details. In this example Aries people should simply give the project to someone who is a stickler at details like a Virgo, and let them run with it. In this way the typical Ariens new and original thinking can be moving on to the next project.

   The unevolved versions of the sign Aries can be very immature, and there will be a great hunger for admiration, even if they are making total butt heads of themselves.

   The Impossible Mission for Aries: To grow up. Key Phrase: " I want it, but I have no idea exactly what it is that I want, or what to do with it when I get it." On the other hand if anything is acquired too easily, and the challenge is gone, so is this Aries interest!

   In the area of making love, Aries natives can get so excited, that they are actually finished with the whole process before their partner gets started (real or otherwise). Aries people use their love making prowess like radar to hone in on their targets and objects of desire, only to find that the excitement of bumping into something, or the mere thought and fantasy of love making is more gratifying than the actual act. Aries people see these brief contacts as a false reading on their inner "radar" screen, and go on searching for other blips. If one is considering dating this person, the fire may ignite for the Aries and go out way before the smoking lamp is lit, or it will probably light up in someone else's back yard before, during or after you had time to figure out what was going on, or when. No one is implying that Aries people fool around, but there are those that won't say they don't. "Let your conscience be your guide Aries", is the theme for this sign, then as usual, they must do what they want to anyway, regardless of the consequences.

Moon in Sagittarius:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   The man who invented the movie "born free" had to have his Moon in Sagittarius. These people are born with driving gloves embedded in their skin, and in this way they don't have to waste time when going for drive, after drive, after drive, trying to find them.

   Loving support is given to others by Moon in Sagittarius people by beating them over the head to listen to what they have to say, or embedding this weeks truth into the minds of the unsuspecting. People emerging from this feel like they have been run over by a bulldozer. Lighten up!

   Moon in Sagittarius people are the original inventors of the gaming wheel, and you will often find these natives at Atlantic City, or Las Vegas, trying to beat the odds, and some may very well just do that.

   One of my personal favorite associations for the Moon in Sagittarius (which I can both relate and admit to) is having lots and lots of acquaintances, but very few close friends.

   Most people have hobbies that include cooking or sewing. Instead, Moon in Sagittarius people enjoy fantasies with hundreds of naked maidens or their male counterparts, all cooking and sewing.

   Moon in Sagittarius natives are always happy and cheerful, and should there come a time when they become disgruntled in their present relationships they try to stay in good shape emotionally, even though they are moving out on you. " Hi Ho, Hi Ho, its off to another place I go" (The Moon in Sagittarius theme song)

   The unhappy Moon in Sagittarius native can suffer some problems with the hips or sciatic nerves can act up.

Mercury in Aries:

   Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   They have the concentration of a bull in heat, and a quick temper to match. They hate delays, which only makes them more angry, and they hate anger, which only brings them delays. It just boggles the mind doesn't it? The Arian is not able to tell the difference between an impulse and a second of time, therefore they go off emotionally at the same interval. "Impulse, impulse, impulse, kaboomb!"

   Mercury in Aries suggests that anything and everything is fair game in the love making department, whether fantasy or reality. Any open extremity on or off the human body, door knobs, medium sized cats and certain species of fish holds their interest and attraction. The Mercury in Aries mind turns the body on to ALL the possibilities and if this native isn't careful, they may prematurely create a love making episode in their mind, before it ever gets to reality. But then again it may be much more fun this way, " and hey, I've just practiced safe sex." This is the true celibates love making outlet.

   The mind is a terrible thing to waste, and to that end the Mercury in Aries native will jump off a cliff rather than make no decision at all. Simply waiting for a more favorable time would never occur to them. On the other hand Mercury in Aries may decide to do something, and like a rain cloud do nothing at all.

  Mercury in Aries natives are aggressive in speech, and drive like maniacs, making good race car drivers on or off the track. Their nervous system is non existent, jumpy, frazzled and in need of physical expression to keep it in good working order.

  These people are fond of debate and arguments, and to convince you of their intellectual expertise, may beat the heck out of you. They go off like a cannon on exlax, the trouble is you don't know where it is going to land, but you know that it's coming!

Venus in Gemini:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

  Gemini's go to sporting events just to look over the selection of people available for group activities, after all, variety is the spice of life. . . but so much variety, and all at one time. The next day is an instant replay.

  You may find this vixen in the locker room of any sporting event making friends with everyone, because friendships are very important. "Don't try to pin me down", says Venus in Gemini. They have terminal "I gotta go!" syndrome which never allows them to stay in one place for very long. Freedom for this sign of duality is essential.

  Since this sign spends more time in the mental plane than the emotional one, romance them with is the ever popular dirty joke, as this will stimulate them into submission. Venus in Gemini natives don't like coarse behavior, and whips and chains are out of the question. After all, you can't jump start a dead battery. Okay, to be fair, the fantasy part of it is alright, but getting it down to earth is like resurrecting the dead.

  Getting this woman to say I love you is like prying a banana from a gorilla, doubtful, frustrating, and at times very dangerous.

  Venus in Gemini is where hope meets the dope! The Gemini Cupid may very well shoot himself in the rear end while complaining about the inferior bows and arrows given to work with.

Mars in Gemini:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

  Anything can arouse people with this placement, from kitchen appliances to sitting on the washing machine during spin cycle to lights in the far off distance.

  Mars in Gemini people use sarcasm and subtleties to make love with you. "Hey, it's been 4 days without sex!, lets get to it, I've got a cake in the oven".

  They have the kind of energy that allows them to make love to you and then go out and fix the car, and this is the woman! If you happen to have the car in the bedroom at the same time, this would be great, because then they can really do 2 things at once, which they are so good at.

  Love making is an outlet for a screwed up nervous system. That's a tip, from me to you. This is to be considered an aspirin for a Gemini.

  When this person plans on sex at a certain time and place, don't expect them to be anywhere around, as they are as unreliable/unpredictable as the NY subway.

  The native with this placement gets turned on by thinking about every Clint Eastwood movie ever made. Their love making partner had better be prepared to act out a prearranged scenario set up entirely by them.

  Love turn ons for Mars in Gemini people are: sign language, body language, or Morse code which is flashed at them by a passing ship. They require a more gentle touch. Being pounced on by a 300 pound gorilla wouldn't be their particular cup of tea. They can get so deeply wrapped up in the imaginative part of lovemaking, that there may not have to be anyone with them at that particular time to make them truly satisfied.

   Gemini's are great at faking sex acts, and Gemini men are great at substituting anything but the real thing for male prowess. Gemini men are also considered perverts, but you didn't hear that from me.