The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Kylie Minogue
May 28, 1968
12:00 PM
Melbourne, Australia

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun      6 Gem 48
                 Moon    15 Gem 13
                 Mercury 28 Gem 50
                 Venus    0 Gem 28
                 Mars    13 Gem 35

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 02:00:00   Time Zone: 10 hours East

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Sun in Gemini:

Gemini - Key Words: The Sinister and the Minister

  "The flake on a mission, or the flake without a mission. Who is to say?" Gemini's are just their own kind of person. Now what is wrong with that I ask you? Gemini's may find their mark in life with the help of a seeing eye dog, then shoot the dog for knowing more than them.

   You can always tell a bored Gemini by the disgusted look on their face while making love the same way, over and over again. The "recreational love making sign" is what we call Gemini natives, because they treat making love like a vacation. Why go away from home Gemini, when you can have it your way, any day? Love making is not enough by themselves, they must do it with their friends. That is to say he or she must be a friend to the Gemini. Yeah, that's it!

   To say that Gemini natives are nervous is an understatement, as they must be busy doing at least 7 things all at the same time. They need that pressure and stress to keep them going, its like being high on Helium, ALL THE TIME!

   The lungs and arms are the weakest bodily parts here, it's because of all of that blasted gesturing that they do as if they were bringing planes in for a landing on an aircraft carrier. Gemini people should get lots of sleep to heal that paranoid, weird and nervous behavior that is likely to arise without warning, scaring people to death! Gemini is the jokester who leaves humorous messages on your answering machine, never letting you know who it was that called in the first place.

   The typical Gemini's mouth is like a "chattering teeth toy", you know what I mean, the teeth you wind up and put on the table and it goes on and on and on. There should be a subtitle on the side of the box of this toy that says "These used to belong to a Gemini". Gemini's have the capability of verbally cutting anything in front of their mouth like a knife through butter, with the same ease. No matter who they are, or how big the competition is! Sometimes they can get carried away a wee bit much though, but are they ever full of remorse afterwards? Never! As a matter of fact they find a good verbal thrashing much more satisfying than sex.

   When Gemini people apply for a job, their job application may read like the Queen of England has applied in person, or perhaps the President of the US, with the possibility that everything on it (including their name) may be little white lies, or classic WHOPPERS. Gemini people are somewhat dishonest (at times) and a whole lot promiscuous (especially you ladies), and because of the duality of this sign, they can expect to be married more than once, spiritually or physically.

   To say Gemini's are reluctant to grow up is really understated, because Gemini's have no intention of doing so. They are perfect just as they are, so why try to improve on perfection?

   Gemini's can express love all day long, but it tends to be all in the head box, and not in the gear box. Gemini's can conceptualize love to the end of time, but putting it into practical form just ain't gonna happen. Why? Mainly because Gemini's are one of the mental signs of the zodiac and do not have the full emotional capacity of say an emotional sign like Cancer, Scorpio or Pisces. Besides, if Gemini doesn't like the atmosphere around them or the person, they just change the scenery, mentally!

   Gemini is another sign that also loves to rearrange furniture, so be careful when you come home late at night and jump into bed in this house, you might be in for an awful surprise. At the same time you may come home to the Gemini house and find strange workmen doing all kinds of things, without you even being informed about it, and it doesn't matter if the Gemini native lives there or not!

   Children to Gemini's (after a certain point) take on the characteristics of Yard Apes, or Yard Gorillas. Who are these little people who intrude on precious Gemini time, and NERVES. A Gemini's idea of telling bedtime stories includes the Headless Horseman, Night Stalker, the Texas chain saw Massacre & The Shining. The kind of stories that keep kids from coming back for more, or ever bothering them again!

   Gemini's hobbies are: Secrets, manipulating others, & fantasies of any kind. The Positive traits that Gemini's are known for include: Flirtation, unreliability, no restrictions, & no total commitments. After all, you have to leave some time for the gusto right?

Moon in Gemini:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   The Moon in Gemini native is best characterized by someone who is listening to the stereo with headphones on. The only problem is each ear is tuned to a different station, thereby driving them totally insane. Don't be troubled with this information however, because the Moon in Gemini native seems totally at home and at peace in this state. This is quite normal, and no other concerns are necessary.

   Honesty is a state of mind for the Moon in Gemini native and if they can get away with something, they will try it. Otherwise dishonesty, fibs, and some well placed white lies works just as well. Moon in Gemini natives love to dazzle people with bullshit (Pardon my English, but it is necessary just to prove a point).

   The Moon in Gemini's nervous system is strung together with spaghetti and if you want to drive these natives nuts, just walk up behind them and yell "Boo". Yeah, we are talking frazzle city here!

   Moon in Gemini people are just those kind of people that you have to ask to "SHUT UP", plain and simple, or they will go on like a broken phonograph record (or to update, a CD). Moon in Gemini natives have the unending capacity of annoying the hell out of other people! They operate under the theory that if they have to be unhappy, so do you. After all, fair is fair!

   This Moon in Gemini placement is really unstable in the residence department, so be prepared to move without warning, and frequently.

   Moon in Gemini natives are great at starting projects, and their workplace will be covered with ideas and projects that never get finished. The mind in a constant state of "begin new ideas now, before I lose the idea or the enthusiasm!", and it never gets past that.

   Sometimes you may see this Moon in Gemini native walking around with their mouths hanging open, staring at the ceiling. This is easy to spot and diagnose, and it is called confusion. Never under any circumstances send a Moon in Gemini native to the store without a shopping list engraved somewhere on their person. Should you forget this important detail, you will probably get a call from the store manager asking if anyone is missing in your family, because they found this person just walking around the store,. . . .LOST. Moon in Gemini natives have been known to lose small children, or leave them somewhere and forget where they left them.

   To best utilize this person's natural and instinctive abilities, send this Moon in Gemini native behind enemy lines in any country or geographic location with no information, and they will wander around for months with no idea where they are or why they are there, they will accept it at face value and go along with a "normal" daily routine, wandering from place to place. This in itself will drive the enemy crazy, and forget about trying to get any information out of them, it is the same as putting it in . . . Nonexistent and frustrating.

   "My emotions are as deep as a bottomless pit" says the Moon in Gemini native, only this one is full of yuck that no one wants. This placement has all of the clarity of dead bugs on your windshield at the beginning of summer that won't come off, and the windshield wipers just smudges them up, making visibility impossible.

   The Key Phrase for the Moon in Gemini native is:" I know what I want, I think!", and that is about as far as the process goes. They fluctuate with the daily tides which accounts for their wishy washy thinking.

   For Moon in Gemini natives, communicating during lovemaking is common place, and usually while screaming something very sensual and sexy like "I forgot to get the car serviced!", or otherwise planning their itinerary for the next day (in their mind of course). This is not to say that they are not sensitive, well ok, they are not sensitive, they are too much up in the clouds, mindwise, and they should really be called "The cerebral Evil Knievels" of love. You can always spot an emotionally unhappy Moon in Gemini native, because they can be found with a cigarette in one hand, with a pot of coffee in the other. Their nerves will be frazzled, and they become extremely accident prone.

Mercury in Gemini:

   Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   With this placement, they should have been born a computer, as the mind just works, works, works. Find a way to shut it down and take a laxative break. No one should have to think this much. To be, or not to be! Who cares! Get the picture buckaroo? Overwork is gonna burn out the old porch light! Stop eating those el cheapo lunches just so you don't have to go out at lunch time. Eat real food!

   The Gemini mind is always in an overactive state, and to see a Gemini filling out expense vouchers can be like reading Heckle and Jeckle, a comedy of errors. If they had as many arms as an octopus, they could do so much more. Think of all of the real big foul-ups they are capable of making!

   Toys of all kinds are important to them, and when it is their turn to meet their maker, the score will be 1-0 in their favor for owning the most. Their phone bill is likely to be equal to a Mortgage payment, month after month, after month.

  "I love sex, I can sit and think about it all day!", says Mercury in Gemini. They are the originators of talking during sex, and an example would be: " UW, that's nice, . . . so how was your day at the office?" Another example would be "Lets video tape our lovemaking so I can critique it later". This is the person who wakes up their partner and "asks them" if they want to make love. Take the initiative! Don't ask them, live out a fantasy!

  Love making for them is yelling at the top of their lungs so that the neighbors can hear " Yes, I want to make love, now the whole world knows . . . and maybe they can watch too!

  This placement is responsible for the phenomena known as phone sex. These are the people who call unsuspecting victims up on the phone and say "I want to . . . . "

  Okay, Okay, tell me if you have heard this one: "What does a Gemini think about during love making?" "Everything!"

Venus in Gemini:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

  Gemini's go to sporting events just to look over the selection of people available for group activities, after all, variety is the spice of life. . . but so much variety, and all at one time. The next day is an instant replay.

  You may find this vixen in the locker room of any sporting event making friends with everyone, because friendships are very important. "Don't try to pin me down", says Venus in Gemini. They have terminal "I gotta go!" syndrome which never allows them to stay in one place for very long. Freedom for this sign of duality is essential.

  Since this sign spends more time in the mental plane than the emotional one, romance them with is the ever popular dirty joke, as this will stimulate them into submission. Venus in Gemini natives don't like coarse behavior, and whips and chains are out of the question. After all, you can't jump start a dead battery. Okay, to be fair, the fantasy part of it is alright, but getting it down to earth is like resurrecting the dead.

  Getting this woman to say I love you is like prying a banana from a gorilla, doubtful, frustrating, and at times very dangerous.

  Venus in Gemini is where hope meets the dope! The Gemini Cupid may very well shoot himself in the rear end while complaining about the inferior bows and arrows given to work with.

Mars in Gemini:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

  Anything can arouse people with this placement, from kitchen appliances to sitting on the washing machine during spin cycle to lights in the far off distance.

  Mars in Gemini people use sarcasm and subtleties to make love with you. "Hey, it's been 4 days without sex!, lets get to it, I've got a cake in the oven".

  They have the kind of energy that allows them to make love to you and then go out and fix the car, and this is the woman! If you happen to have the car in the bedroom at the same time, this would be great, because then they can really do 2 things at once, which they are so good at.

  Love making is an outlet for a screwed up nervous system. That's a tip, from me to you. This is to be considered an aspirin for a Gemini.

  When this person plans on sex at a certain time and place, don't expect them to be anywhere around, as they are as unreliable/unpredictable as the NY subway.

  The native with this placement gets turned on by thinking about every Clint Eastwood movie ever made. Their love making partner had better be prepared to act out a prearranged scenario set up entirely by them.

  Love turn ons for Mars in Gemini people are: sign language, body language, or Morse code which is flashed at them by a passing ship. They require a more gentle touch. Being pounced on by a 300 pound gorilla wouldn't be their particular cup of tea. They can get so deeply wrapped up in the imaginative part of lovemaking, that there may not have to be anyone with them at that particular time to make them truly satisfied.

   Gemini's are great at faking sex acts, and Gemini men are great at substituting anything but the real thing for male prowess. Gemini men are also considered perverts, but you didn't hear that from me.