The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Karen Carpenter
March 2, 1950
11:45 AM
New Haven, Connecticut

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     11 Pis 33
                 Moon    18 Leo 26
                 Mercury 21 Aqu 45
                 Venus    4 Aqu 57
                 Mars     8 Lib 51

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 16:45:00   Time Zone: 5 hours West

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Sun in Pisces:

Pisces - Key Words: Perfecting the Art of Masochism &
     Compassion. Kind of a "Do your worst to me, I
     can take it attitude" while signing their
     will over to you.

   A typical Pisces patient having an internal at the Doctor's office. "I said more pain! I deserve it and I want it now!". Pisces uses the Phrase "I Love you" like people inquiring if you put on clean underwear in case you were in an accident. It has no meaning, it just seems like the natural thing to say.

   Don't be alarmed if a Pisces puts you under verbal attack, it is just their way of asking you to excuse them, because they either have something better to do, or someone to do it with. Then again, they may just want to be alone, and a front line verbal attack assures that the insult will justify you leaving.

   Pisces is the most giving person in the Zodiac, and to prove it, they will give to you, and you and you!

   Lovemaking is the ultimate space vehicle for Pisces, as they can get lost in it for hours.

   Of all the signs in the Zodiac, Pisces are the ones who have the broadest beliefs of all. Astrology, Tarot, Telepathy, Witchcraft, extraterrestrials, tea leaves, pendulum dowsing, pyramids, astral travel, out of body experiences, Nostradamus, & Bermuda Triangle just to name a few. Communication with trees, fruit, dolphins, and grass are just a few of the Pisces fan club.

   When people tell a Pisces native to get lost, they can do so very easily as they slip into their own fantasy world, they don't even have to physically move or go somewhere else,. . . they're gone! Moods come over them like the changing of the tides. A great many Pisces have experienced a difficult birth, mainly because they took a peek out of the womb and didn't like what they saw. I can't actually blame them!

   Pisces people have perfected the art of lying to such a degree that by simply opening their mouths, miles and miles of cosmic ca-ca emerges with the clarity of pure water. That is the only thing pure about it however. Pisceans have the exceptional ability NOT to be able to handle money at all, and in the workplace they are the drifters, who may be working today, or hanging out on skid row tomorrow. They have also perfected the art of making the same mistakes over and over again. Pisceans just like to suffer.

   Like the Aquarian counterpart, Pisceans have the capacity to drink entirely too much.

  The Pisces memory for the most part is slow. Like the Gemini native, a Pisces can go out on a date in their car and return home on a boat, having no idea that they didn't leave on a boat to begin with.

Moon in Leo:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   "See me? See who I am? Aren't my new shoes pretty?", says the Moon in Leo native. Everything is done in the style of the great "showoff" for the Moon in Leo native, including the flowing hair and the need to be appreciated for any efforts they put forth, whether deserved or not.

   Anything will offend people with their Moon in Leo, just walk up to them for no reason and say "What a creep!", and watch them become unglued. There is a strong need to be an Authority Figure here, even if they wash dishes for a living, for they have a natural attitude which I lovingly call the Napoleonic syndrome, or man holding up his pants. Perhaps Napoleon wasn't holding up his pants, and if he wasn't, what was he holding up ? HMMM?

   Money is much more important to Moon in Leo people than they realize, so take a moment and think about it, then accept it. Okay, time is up.

   Moon in Leo natives have a hidden desire for power which will leap out when least expected like a tornado headed for a trailer park, usually with the same intensity.

   For Moon in Leo people the pleasure from love making can be derived as a side effect from loyalty as well as the physical manifestation, or love and devotion from others has the same effect, which really turns them on.

   While on a date with a Moon in Leo person, expect them to jump up on any stage and grab the microphone, even if there is no stage, or microphone. You might say Moon in Leo natives are just a little bit insecure and need attention, or perhaps they are trying to be fashionable.

   Moon in Leo natives see everything revolving around them, with them as the center, just as the sun is the center of the Universe. I knew it had to be someone's fault.

   It is extremely easy to spot the emotionally unhappy Moon in Leo native, either they are flat on their backs because their back has gone out, or they are suffering chest pains from excessive stress.

   People with this placement tend to dominate others with all of the grace and finesse of Hagar the Horrible (Cartoon Character in the funny papers).

   While in the home of a Moon in Leo person, expect to have a tour guide take you around to show off all of the artwork and other meaningless articles which are bound to be strewn about waiting to adored. You might even see the Moon in Leo native themselves strutting around as well, in full fanciful garb who seems to fit into the decor, waiting for equal adoration.

Mercury in Aquarius:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   These people are very good judges of character, but can act like a bull in a china shop," Too Stubborn!"

   They would make good writers or excellent speakers with the possibility of some original thoughts and perceptions, but they must work at it and develop it.

   The idea of lovemaking turns them into jelly, as they coagulate at the actual act, so they keep it in the hemisphere, where they can watch their own movie, while the real thing is happening somewhere else.

   You cannot surprise these natives, there must be some kind of emotions to be surprised. If you try, the reaction would probably be passing wind, a smile, and a "that was interesting, . . so what's next?"

   Be extra careful what you think about when you are near these people, as they can pick all data like a sponge. They are very telepathic, especially if you are thinking about someone else while you are making love to them!

   A great position for this placement would be working in a laboratory or any field related to science which comes easily for them. They are a little nutty, but very good at it.

Venus in Aquarius:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   Venus in Aquarius has all of the emotional satisfaction of an ice cube down your pants, which by the way has the same results for these people. They have no scruples in romance or lovemaking and will go after anything that walks, talks, or crawls with the emotions of a snowman that even the sun cannot melt.

   This native also has the capacity to make rehearsed and prerecorded sounds while making love. As an example: "Oh baby, oh yes baby, do it now, oh yes baby". Don't put any emotions into it while you read it, just read it, then you have the emotions.

   Commitments for Venus in Aquarius are limited to hello, and goodbye. "Oh look, someone new to play with until something more interesting comes along".

   Foreplay and emotional response for this sign is best illustrated by reading a book while making love, or instead of it making the same sounds associated with the sexual act.

   There was an old story that I heard a long time ago that illustrates this native to a "T". "If I should fall asleep while we are making love, please pull my nightgown down". It's coarse and uncouth I agree, but accurate.

Mars in Libra:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

  Rulership is mine says this placement of Mars. You need a partner who is open to love making adventures, like diving off a cliff or having sex in the path of an approaching speedboat. This is true excitement!

  At other times they are so considerate of their romantic partner, that they will sit down with them and fill out a questionnaire of likes and dislikes, turn ons and turnoffs, times, dates and places. How sweet and considerate, and a true description of Mars in Libra.

  These people must have their own way with this position of Libra. They swing like the scales, an easy going pain in the neck. They can be kind and gentile, or drive you off the road in their car. If this person would ever learn that anger isn't the answer and adopt an attitude of waiting, the desired outcome will come to pass, but no, they've got to take matters into their own hands screwing up the works. Well, see if I care then!

  Oddly enough, a lousy marriage is like spiritual awareness in the final examination of things for these natives. They are very intuitive people and must learn to be aggressive and humble equally. In other words learn when to act and when to shut up!

  This placement has all the intimacy of two people running towards each other without their feet ever touching the ground. Think about it, it will come to you. Here is the person who is able to make love to an illusion, or some reasonable facsimile.

  They have a talent for nastiness, and can swear so fluently that is frightens everyone.