The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Jerry Lee Lewis
September 29, 1935
3:00 PM
Ferriday, Louisiana
 

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun      5 Lib 47
                 Moon    29 Lib 27
                 Mercury  0 Sco 47
                 Venus    6 Vir 36
                 Mars     9 Sag 09

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 21:00:00   Time Zone: 6 hours West

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Sun in Libra:

Libra - Key words: Head in the clouds, while falling
    off a cliff

  "Fly me to the moon" is the motto of this air sign. "If we aren't going to get married, let me know now, I have a date tomorrow", says the impatient Libra.

   Libra is the chemical parent of Librium, a tranquilizer which, by the way, is a wonderful way of not caring about anything.

   Librans have a talent for nastiness at times, and can swear so fluently that is frightens everyone, but then again, everyone has their niche in life. Do you need someone unreliable who is not able to keep a secret? Count on a Libra native to spill the beans every time!

   Libra people are very easy to spot, as these are the people who can be looking straight at you, and not hear a word that you say, or care! Try to be kind to them, as they spend so much time in another realm that few of us ever see, that they forget about the mundane things of life, like reality.

   Some cheap advice: Revenge doesn't belong to Librans, and when they are old enough and mature enough to accept and understand this, they won't spend hours planning the perfect revenge, as Librans are great at carrying grudges and remembering the slightest slights. Librans must use caution as sudden headaches can be a burden to them as well, and must drink plenty of water to keep the kidneys operating in tip top order.

   Concentration wise, Libra's are the type of people who can go upstairs for something, and have no idea what they are doing up there in the first place, come back down stairs and begin again.

   If flirting was a vocation, Libra would easily be a millionaire a hundred times over, as Librans often confuse love and friendship and are often accused of being loose in the caboose in the lovemaking department.

   Libras have a great sense of humor, and everyone, everywhere knows they are in the room by the loud manner in which they laugh.

Moon in Libra:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

  Home ties can be very important to the Moon in Libra native. Just because they don't live with their parents, doesn't mean they don't have a 200 mile phone line attached to their umbilical cord, with an automatic dialer for times of real emotional crisis.

  "I would kill for peace and quiet!", says the Moon in Libra native to their family as they assure you how non-violent they are.

  The Emotional neutral Zone belongs to the Moon in Libra native, and you will find they especially love to rearrange and beautify things. Moon in Libra natives are those types of people who, when their spouse or partner goes to work, rearrange the furniture, and when their loved ones get home, they damn near kill themselves falling over the couch that used to be the bed.

  Moon in Libra people are so sensitive to their surroundings and need for harmony, that a good fight can keep them hovering around the toilet bowl and throwing up, for hours.

  You might be able to tell a Moon in Libra person who is emotionally unhappy by the gallons of water they drink to keep their kidneys in good working order, as that is their weak point.

  Moon in Libra natives are so emotionally insecure, that if by the second date you are not discussing marriage, you will be replaced by someone who is. As they get older, they usually get a grip on this tendency, by about the 5th or 6th marriage.

Mercury in Scorpio:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   Here is the original two edged sword looking for the chopping block. These people are so secretive, that they don't even talk to themselves, but Scorpio natives are perceptive of others and know just when other people are vulnerable so they can swoop down and pounce on them.

   Here is another one of those signs that is overcritical of everyone but themselves, the self appointed judge and jury. They should have be policemen, spies, or detectives, peering into everyone's secret lives like a common criminal.

   Love that is mysterious, behind the scenes and down and dirty, that's Mercury in Scorpio. Sounds like love making with 007, with the same air of danger connected with it. Come to think love making while being attacked would be perfect for them. They can probably be found in dark alleys picking up stray cats doing unspeakable things just for the intrigue.

   These must have been the original streakers, who ran nude across the campus. Anything bizarre or perverse is fine for them. They should avoid using the concept of running through the streets nude as a tool for sex, because it won't work. Okay, it might!

   This kind of person is the movie director who invites you up to his office to audition for him. "Sit on my couch my dear, let's see what develops".

Venus in Virgo:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   A satisfactory relationship for this person consists of a can of bug spray squirted in the face of the loved one. If they make it through the Emergency Room then love stands a good chance of surviving. Living in a very sterile world is their forte, and females would make great housewives as long as you have them wired correctly, check the programming often, and keep a broom, mop, or kitchen utensil in their hand. All other elements of existence are void, non-existent, and especially not covered by manufacturers warranty.

   To Venus in Virgo natives lovemaking is about as interesting as a priest at a peep show. Well, most of them anyway. They will probably be a lot of fun during sex, if they ever get out of the twilight zone! Planning sex for them is the same as planning strategy in a football game, if all of the players are not in the right position, there won't be any touchdown.

  How do you actually spot this Vixen of Virtue? She is very easy to find. She has dinner on the table, greets you at the door only because you have dirty shoes, and says "kiss kiss, hug, hug" (words only, there is no visible physical contact involved). Making love to this person is as mechanical as fixing your car.

  Romance for them is to hang out at a monastery, and look for rejects.  A note of caution: Never, ever walk in on this placement while they are on the thrown, this is where they spend most of their recreational time and they are very guarded about their privacy.

  A romantic evening for Venus in Virgo would be to put a dinner plate on the table for their favorite animal, as it asks for nothing and give so much. Venus in Virgo people really get off on this.

  Never, under any circumstances, allow anyone with this placement to go into the bathroom to change into something more comfortable because you will never, ever see them again.

  Real romance for Venus in Virgo is found in men who are married, terminal patients, or totally disabled.

  Yes, people do have to get undressed to have sex, Venus in Virgo. I didn't invent it, it's just one of those things that you have to do. It's a whole concept.

Mars in Sagittarius:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

   Mars in Sagittarius people need to learn to recognize that others have rights as well as them. Sometimes these natives limit their vocabulary with others to the middle finger of either hand, as gesturing gets the same effect.

   Don't rush partners in intimate moments Mars in Sagittarius natives, this is not the last adventure of the jolly rancher, or Eskimo pie, this is a living breathing human being. These people should find a lover who can fill in the missing pieces of their ever popular fantasies, like putting in the last piece of a crossword puzzle.

   Mars in Sagittarius people have the ability to make love during a total eclipse. While everyone else is looking up, they take advantage of it. After all, who will notice? For Sagittarians, love making gives a new meaning to "its Miller time". The adventurous Sagittarius may choose to jump from a hot air balloon and land on the object of their desire, make contact and move on, without too much effort. If you want to keep this person continually interested after marriage, change your residence but don't tell them where you are. At least that will keep them busy for a few days trying to find you. Tell these people you've inherited money and you'll be gone for a short holiday, that will put a rise in their attention span.

   "Don't fence me in" is the battle cry of this unreliable person, so set up your own kind of corral, if you get my drift and if you want to keep this persons attention temporarily.