The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Joyce Carol Oates
June 16, 1938
12:27 AM
Lockport, New York

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     24 Gem 22
                 Moon    29 Cap 10
                 Mercury 16 Gem 12
                 Venus   27 Can 01
                 Mars     6 Can 02

                 Daylight Savings Time observed
                 GMT: 04:27:00   Time Zone: 5 hours West

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Sun in Gemini:

Gemini - Key Words: The Sinister and the Minister

  "The flake on a mission, or the flake without a mission. Who is to say?" Gemini's are just their own kind of person. Now what is wrong with that I ask you? Gemini's may find their mark in life with the help of a seeing eye dog, then shoot the dog for knowing more than them.

   You can always tell a bored Gemini by the disgusted look on their face while making love the same way, over and over again. The "recreational love making sign" is what we call Gemini natives, because they treat making love like a vacation. Why go away from home Gemini, when you can have it your way, any day? Love making is not enough by themselves, they must do it with their friends. That is to say he or she must be a friend to the Gemini. Yeah, that's it!

   To say that Gemini natives are nervous is an understatement, as they must be busy doing at least 7 things all at the same time. They need that pressure and stress to keep them going, its like being high on Helium, ALL THE TIME!

   The lungs and arms are the weakest bodily parts here, it's because of all of that blasted gesturing that they do as if they were bringing planes in for a landing on an aircraft carrier. Gemini people should get lots of sleep to heal that paranoid, weird and nervous behavior that is likely to arise without warning, scaring people to death! Gemini is the jokester who leaves humorous messages on your answering machine, never letting you know who it was that called in the first place.

   The typical Gemini's mouth is like a "chattering teeth toy", you know what I mean, the teeth you wind up and put on the table and it goes on and on and on. There should be a subtitle on the side of the box of this toy that says "These used to belong to a Gemini". Gemini's have the capability of verbally cutting anything in front of their mouth like a knife through butter, with the same ease. No matter who they are, or how big the competition is! Sometimes they can get carried away a wee bit much though, but are they ever full of remorse afterwards? Never! As a matter of fact they find a good verbal thrashing much more satisfying than sex.

   When Gemini people apply for a job, their job application may read like the Queen of England has applied in person, or perhaps the President of the US, with the possibility that everything on it (including their name) may be little white lies, or classic WHOPPERS. Gemini people are somewhat dishonest (at times) and a whole lot promiscuous (especially you ladies), and because of the duality of this sign, they can expect to be married more than once, spiritually or physically.

   To say Gemini's are reluctant to grow up is really understated, because Gemini's have no intention of doing so. They are perfect just as they are, so why try to improve on perfection?

   Gemini's can express love all day long, but it tends to be all in the head box, and not in the gear box. Gemini's can conceptualize love to the end of time, but putting it into practical form just ain't gonna happen. Why? Mainly because Gemini's are one of the mental signs of the zodiac and do not have the full emotional capacity of say an emotional sign like Cancer, Scorpio or Pisces. Besides, if Gemini doesn't like the atmosphere around them or the person, they just change the scenery, mentally!

   Gemini is another sign that also loves to rearrange furniture, so be careful when you come home late at night and jump into bed in this house, you might be in for an awful surprise. At the same time you may come home to the Gemini house and find strange workmen doing all kinds of things, without you even being informed about it, and it doesn't matter if the Gemini native lives there or not!

   Children to Gemini's (after a certain point) take on the characteristics of Yard Apes, or Yard Gorillas. Who are these little people who intrude on precious Gemini time, and NERVES. A Gemini's idea of telling bedtime stories includes the Headless Horseman, Night Stalker, the Texas chain saw Massacre & The Shining. The kind of stories that keep kids from coming back for more, or ever bothering them again!

   Gemini's hobbies are: Secrets, manipulating others, & fantasies of any kind. The Positive traits that Gemini's are known for include: Flirtation, unreliability, no restrictions, & no total commitments. After all, you have to leave some time for the gusto right?

Moon in Capricorn:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   Moon in Capricorn natives are not happy campers in general as there is too much of a Hitler complex that needs controlling. Moon in Capricorn people need to add lots of fiber to their diet to avoid constipated feelings, constipated body, and constipated mind. Moon in Capricorn natives often suffer from arthritis or aches and pains in bodily joints or in the structural bones or back as a result of stress.

   The Moon in Capricorn person has all of the spiritual awareness of a stone and I'm not talking about crystals or Stonehenge either. To be fair, in the more evolved Capricorn, we find great teachers and Masters, but the standard everyday variety has their own needs in mind, and they can be extremely selfish, worrying about their own desires, and pretty soon their own needs become their master and their teacher. The Moon in Capricorns radar is always on for the two most important things in their lives, which is power and money and their acquisition makes them happy and secure.

   Moon in Capricorn natives truly believe that all relationships that start out in their teens as difficult, will continue for life much the same way as though they deserve nothing better for themselves. This is their way of convincing themselves they are right when things that inevitably go wrong, go wrong. Last but not least, when you allow a negative thought pattern embedded in your emotions, it will take a very big and brawny man or woman to change your mind.

   Capricorns are loyal beyond the call of duty in relationships, and will stay there even when the last act is over, the fat lady has sung her merry tune, and everyone has long since forgotten the whole incident. They hang on to people, places and things, especially children until they get a cosmic slap in the face to let go, and live their own life.

   These days, dear Capricorn native, the only safe lover is one that sleeps all the time. That's one way to keep them loyal now isn't it Moon in Capricorn?

   The Moon in Capricorn natives need a lover who will gently beat them beside the head with any object that is handy to get them to be noticed. Once they find this person, Moon in Capricorn natives know they are somewhat sincere. Group love making for these natives is standing in the corner contemplating their navel. Moon in Capricorn people are the types that feel a gift is just as good as making love. " Here is a dollar for your troubles my dear, or how about something practical like a toaster oven.", says the person with Moon in Capricorn.

Mercury in Gemini:

   Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   With this placement, they should have been born a computer, as the mind just works, works, works. Find a way to shut it down and take a laxative break. No one should have to think this much. To be, or not to be! Who cares! Get the picture buckaroo? Overwork is gonna burn out the old porch light! Stop eating those el cheapo lunches just so you don't have to go out at lunch time. Eat real food!

   The Gemini mind is always in an overactive state, and to see a Gemini filling out expense vouchers can be like reading Heckle and Jeckle, a comedy of errors. If they had as many arms as an octopus, they could do so much more. Think of all of the real big foul-ups they are capable of making!

   Toys of all kinds are important to them, and when it is their turn to meet their maker, the score will be 1-0 in their favor for owning the most. Their phone bill is likely to be equal to a Mortgage payment, month after month, after month.

  "I love sex, I can sit and think about it all day!", says Mercury in Gemini. They are the originators of talking during sex, and an example would be: " UW, that's nice, . . . so how was your day at the office?" Another example would be "Lets video tape our lovemaking so I can critique it later". This is the person who wakes up their partner and "asks them" if they want to make love. Take the initiative! Don't ask them, live out a fantasy!

  Love making for them is yelling at the top of their lungs so that the neighbors can hear " Yes, I want to make love, now the whole world knows . . . and maybe they can watch too!

  This placement is responsible for the phenomena known as phone sex. These are the people who call unsuspecting victims up on the phone and say "I want to . . . . "

  Okay, Okay, tell me if you have heard this one: "What does a Gemini think about during love making?" "Everything!"

Venus in Cancer:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   This sign in the affection department is as changeable as diapers on a baby. They would make a better mother than a mate, so they should try adopting the world. This would be more satisfying for them, and less frustrating for suitors.

   Romancing this person can be quite expensive in the dry cleaning department. You never know when this person is going to cry, or, why?

   To really bring alive romance in this person, forget about going out. Stay home and have an intimate dinner for two. Remember to lock up the dogs, cats etc. and send the children out of town for a week.

   Don't forget candy and flowers when you visit these natives and don't hurt their feelings intentionally or unintentionally or you will wind up with someone with the personality of a wet dishtowel, tears and all and then your life is truly worth nothing.

Mars in Cancer:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

   "Are we going to make love, or are you going to just sit there and cry". This is the plight of the Cancer personality. Maybe they will do both at the same time. There is another possibility as well, since they have such a weak stomach with this placement, they may make love and throw up afterwards which is really great for their partners ego, OR. . . throw up on their partner while making love. Now there is a really disgusting thought!

   These people are very domesticated and can often be found sleeping with the cat. Their rhythm in lovemaking has all of the coordination of the jitterbug, and no one really knows when the big moment will occur, least of all them. Do lovers a favor, warn them that something is coming, but then again so is Christmas.

   When it comes to the rhythm of the moment, you are great at the old one, two, one two. Lovemaking defined with this person is: "Wham, Bam, and thank you".