The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Joe Swash
January 20, 1982
12:00 PM
London, England

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun      0 Aqu 06
                 Moon     8 Sag 22
                 Mercury 17 Aqu 57
                 Venus    1 Aqu 37
                 Mars    14 Lib 02

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 12:00:00   Time Zone: 0 hours West

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Sun in Aquarius:

Aquarius - Key Words: "I Love You All. . . kind of!"

  "I love everybody, just don't bug me! I am loyal to everyone I make love with, and treat them all the same way", says the true Aquarian soul. Aquarians are such understanding lovers, that if their partner comes home and tells them that they are having an affair, the typical Aquarian would say "That's okay, I've been having one for years!". The Aquarian personality and makeup is so unique that they can have an affair with someone whether they are actually present or not.

  Whenever an Aquarian native has a penchant for meeting someone, they will use the art of communication like a day at a pig pen. Anything, I say anything is liable to roll off the Aquarian tongue. The wilder the better, as they love the shock of seeing the expressions on other peoples faces, and herein lies the inner person.

  Aquarians have the ideals of a child who is squirting their mother with a baby bottle. Just gotta be me! Some bad news -emotionally Aquarians are cold as a fly caught in a tray of ice cubes.

  People have a difficult time playing jokes on Aquarians, for instance stealing their address book wouldn't even phase them. They would never replace the names or the book, they would simply get new friends.

  An interesting facet of the Aquarian personality is that they have a unique talent for coming up with weird ideas for useless products. It's that progressive nature that needs a new look for Santa Claus and that streak of blue in his hair, or that traffic signal that can use an extra colored light that means indecision. Aquarians are also prolific in the art of disoriented speech and thoughts that have no relevant meaning, they simply exist as if on helium. Aquarians have also been accused of drinking like a fish.

  Although Aquarians have no concrete beliefs, they have an opinion on everything, and will offer it at any time, any place.

  For the Aquarian man, romance comes under the heading of recreational activities. Lovemaking is simply another way of making new acquaintances, and pornography may be Aquarius's line of work, or sideline. Marriage for Aquarians are ships that pass in the night, and here comes another one now. Marriage can be compared to summertime at the beach. What variety? How can they choose one, when they love so many.

  Positive traits of the Aquarians include: Absent minded behavior, interests only in ones self, a lack of confidence, and lack of insight.

Moon in Sagittarius:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   The man who invented the movie "born free" had to have his Moon in Sagittarius. These people are born with driving gloves embedded in their skin, and in this way they don't have to waste time when going for drive, after drive, after drive, trying to find them.

   Loving support is given to others by Moon in Sagittarius people by beating them over the head to listen to what they have to say, or embedding this weeks truth into the minds of the unsuspecting. People emerging from this feel like they have been run over by a bulldozer. Lighten up!

   Moon in Sagittarius people are the original inventors of the gaming wheel, and you will often find these natives at Atlantic City, or Las Vegas, trying to beat the odds, and some may very well just do that.

   One of my personal favorite associations for the Moon in Sagittarius (which I can both relate and admit to) is having lots and lots of acquaintances, but very few close friends.

   Most people have hobbies that include cooking or sewing. Instead, Moon in Sagittarius people enjoy fantasies with hundreds of naked maidens or their male counterparts, all cooking and sewing.

   Moon in Sagittarius natives are always happy and cheerful, and should there come a time when they become disgruntled in their present relationships they try to stay in good shape emotionally, even though they are moving out on you. " Hi Ho, Hi Ho, its off to another place I go" (The Moon in Sagittarius theme song)

   The unhappy Moon in Sagittarius native can suffer some problems with the hips or sciatic nerves can act up.

Mercury in Aquarius:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   These people are very good judges of character, but can act like a bull in a china shop," Too Stubborn!"

   They would make good writers or excellent speakers with the possibility of some original thoughts and perceptions, but they must work at it and develop it.

   The idea of lovemaking turns them into jelly, as they coagulate at the actual act, so they keep it in the hemisphere, where they can watch their own movie, while the real thing is happening somewhere else.

   You cannot surprise these natives, there must be some kind of emotions to be surprised. If you try, the reaction would probably be passing wind, a smile, and a "that was interesting, . . so what's next?"

   Be extra careful what you think about when you are near these people, as they can pick all data like a sponge. They are very telepathic, especially if you are thinking about someone else while you are making love to them!

   A great position for this placement would be working in a laboratory or any field related to science which comes easily for them. They are a little nutty, but very good at it.

Venus in Aquarius:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   Venus in Aquarius has all of the emotional satisfaction of an ice cube down your pants, which by the way has the same results for these people. They have no scruples in romance or lovemaking and will go after anything that walks, talks, or crawls with the emotions of a snowman that even the sun cannot melt.

   This native also has the capacity to make rehearsed and prerecorded sounds while making love. As an example: "Oh baby, oh yes baby, do it now, oh yes baby". Don't put any emotions into it while you read it, just read it, then you have the emotions.

   Commitments for Venus in Aquarius are limited to hello, and goodbye. "Oh look, someone new to play with until something more interesting comes along".

   Foreplay and emotional response for this sign is best illustrated by reading a book while making love, or instead of it making the same sounds associated with the sexual act.

   There was an old story that I heard a long time ago that illustrates this native to a "T". "If I should fall asleep while we are making love, please pull my nightgown down". It's coarse and uncouth I agree, but accurate.

Mars in Libra:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

  Rulership is mine says this placement of Mars. You need a partner who is open to love making adventures, like diving off a cliff or having sex in the path of an approaching speedboat. This is true excitement!

  At other times they are so considerate of their romantic partner, that they will sit down with them and fill out a questionnaire of likes and dislikes, turn ons and turnoffs, times, dates and places. How sweet and considerate, and a true description of Mars in Libra.

  These people must have their own way with this position of Libra. They swing like the scales, an easy going pain in the neck. They can be kind and gentile, or drive you off the road in their car. If this person would ever learn that anger isn't the answer and adopt an attitude of waiting, the desired outcome will come to pass, but no, they've got to take matters into their own hands screwing up the works. Well, see if I care then!

  Oddly enough, a lousy marriage is like spiritual awareness in the final examination of things for these natives. They are very intuitive people and must learn to be aggressive and humble equally. In other words learn when to act and when to shut up!

  This placement has all the intimacy of two people running towards each other without their feet ever touching the ground. Think about it, it will come to you. Here is the person who is able to make love to an illusion, or some reasonable facsimile.

  They have a talent for nastiness, and can swear so fluently that is frightens everyone.