The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Jim Jones
May 13, 1931
10:00 PM
Lynn, Indiana

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     22 Tau 24
                 Moon    12 Ari 55
                 Mercury  3 Tau 36
                 Venus   21 Ari 39
                 Mars    16 Leo 17

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 04:00:00   Time Zone: 6 hours West

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Sun in Taurus:

   Taurus- Key Words: The Bull in the china shop.

   Taurus natives are stubborn about everything, and there is no particular reason why, probably because Taureans feel insecure in some way. In being stubborn, Taureans feel they won't miss out on anything until they have mulled it into mildew. Hey, who wants to miss out on a good thing? If you want to have a good time with a Taurean native, give them the impossible to do with a restricted time frame to do it in, and watch them burn out a fuse trying to do it anyway. Make sure to have lots of video tape ready to capture the determination, and the horror! This will not be a pretty sight.

  For the greatest Taurean attributes look under N for No Nerves (as they are quite jittery), and have absolutely No sense of humor. A person can't laugh with a stick up their butt, it ruins the concentration!

  If you want to get romantic with a Taurean, take that little love muffin out to the countryside with the horsies and cows and other such charming anomalies of nature for a picnic, and let nature takes its course. The Taurean just loves the country to roam etc., etc., etc. Do I have to draw a picture for you, or maybe you can draw your own?

   The biggest drawback for the Taurean native is what I call the turtle reflex. The turtle reflex, simply put, is waiting for the Taurean person (with the speed of the mud) to make up their mind about anything! It will happen, but not in this lifetime. Never ask a Taurus to make a decision, because you will be too old to care anymore, especially if it involves commitments.

  Once committed to a relationship Taurus people expect any object of their desire to be there forever, whether married or divorced, dead or alive. There is a very jealous and possessive side of Taurus, and what is theirs shall remain theirs, from this day forth, and death is a poor excuse for being unfaithful to them! Taureans have been known to go out on midnight spy runs to keep tabs on their love interests. Ah, love sweet love, with the shackles that say "I love you, FOREVER!"

  Taureans should choose a mate who likes variety in lovemaking, like say, swinging from a chandelier, or doing the unspeakable underwater. So speak a little, speak a little! Once you pry the inner carefree nature out of that reserved exterior, watch out, for once Taureans have you in their grip, you stand a better chance getting out of an impossible wrestling hold, then getting away from a Taurean in love or lust!

  Salesmen hate doing business with the Taurus people, because before a Taurean decides to buy something, no matter what it is, it will be out of date, has gone bad, or the salesman has retired.

  To instill panic in Taureans, just tell them big changes are coming into their lives, and they will crack like old plaster, OR, just for the fun of it, assign him/her the task of a mediator in a dispute, where they must choose sides. With Taurean cat like reflexes and powers of indecision this could go on forever. Make sure someone has a video camera handy to watch Taurus's brains frazzling like bacon trying to compute the finer points of making fair and unbiased decisions.

  Taureans laugh with all of the sinister qualities of "The Shadow" (an old Radio Show). That is because down deep inside there is this very naughty person who in a lot of cases is so reserved, that laughter is the only thing they can let loose without being becoming unglued. Taurus men do not exhibit these qualities however, they just bide their time waiting for a good reason to smile.

  The Taurus's home is their pride and joy, and anyone entering the Taurus domain had better respect that! You may have noticed a few Taurus homes and not known it, as these are the people in the middle of the night in the front yard in full combat gear, ready to defend their homestead to the death.

  Here is a joke that Taurus people won't appreciate but what the heck. Where do you find a Taurus on vacation? The same place they have been going to for the last 25 years, and the neat thing is, even though they may have hated it, they still go back there year, after year, after year. Oh they are such fun munchkins!

  Children find Taurus parents a real pain, because they never give them any privacy, and a Taurean will always go through their children's things looking for god knows what. Taureans feel, if they aren't having any fun, why should their children.

  Don't ever give a Taurean $10 and say there are a dozen people coming over for dinner, prepare a banquet! They will do it, and give you change in return (maybe!).

  Taurus natives don't reveal themselves to others easily either, and a potential mate may have to be eligible for social security before Mr. or Ms. Taurus open up to their feelings.

Moon in Aries:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   How can people say people with Moon in Aries have a bad temper? Because they have the compassion of Godzilla tromping through Tokyo while having a Big Mac attack. Those menacing munchkins!

   Everything is personal with Moon in Aries. No matter how impersonal a statement is made, in their infinite "state" they can make an issue of it. For example: A simple "Good Morning & how are you" can be turned into "fine thanks, but what have you heard, and why are you asking?"

   You can always tell an emotionally unhappy Moon in Aries native, either they have a grand old headache, or they become VERY accident prone. Odd illnesses of the head are an added attraction for these hot blooded beings.

   The Moon in Aries's judgment may as well be non existent, because they don't deal well with matters of the earth. They would have made a great attack dog to someone. "Sic 'em boy, Sic 'em". And there they would be, with drool running out of their mouths waiting for a biscuit for doing yet another good job for their master.

   Reactions to emotions are often associated with the logic "Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time?". Sure, so is lancing a boil, but I wouldn't want to make a career of it!

   Moon in Aries natives make friends easily, but lose them just as quickly, as they are just a wee bit unstable and intense for the rest of humanity. Hocus Pocus.

   Relationships for the natives with Moon in Aries begin with the subtlety of being struck by lightning, then die just as suddenly. It can be equated with being swept off your feet, then falling headfirst from a plane without a parachute.

   Moon in Aries natives should find a lover who has a built in plug for recharging if they want love to make it the long haul. Picture being the orchestra leader standing before a group of musicians, finishing a brilliant piece to a wonderful climax, sleeping with them all, and then leaving. This for people with Moon in Aries is a night out on the town.

Mercury in Taurus:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   You must talk to, not at this person. By the time these natives take in, assemble, mull around, and decide to do something, the subject is closed, and no one really cares anymore. The stubborn mind just . . . for the heck of it!

   Lovemaking for them is like falling into a hole, they don't know what happened, it was just there, and so it goes. This sign epitomizes how Adam and Eve got into trouble in the first place, making love in the jungle and eating apples off the trees. Make love on a pool table, the surroundings may not be right, but the cloth is soft.

   Here is the person who invented "Have I Got A Deal For You" without a second thought about honesty or integrity. Once you have hard feelings or miscommunications with this person, it will be a cold day in hell before they talk to you again, for they are the greatest sulkers in the universe.

   Mercury in Taurus' ability to make decisions is so slow, that if you take this person to the horse races (never happen) to bet on a horse, by the time they make up their mind, all of the races will be over, the horses would be watered, fed, bred and put to sleep and the jockeys would be over in the local pub, drunk!  On the other hand, they have such great powers of concentration, that you could drop a torpedo down their shorts, and it wouldn't phase them in the slightest.

   You can usually find these people squirreled away in some back room of an accounting firm, or working with money, facts and figures. They take their work so seriously in this arena that they treat this money as if it were their very own, and some day it may very well be.

   If you have to go on a business trip with this person, take them to a much different motel/hotel than they are used to going to. Not only will it totally disorient them, but you may wake up in the middle of the night to find them walking around banging into the walls, all the while crying for that other hotel like a child who lost his teddy bear.

Venus in Aries:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   Self satisfaction at its best defines Venus in Aries. To further clarify, these natives don't have to share someone's company to have a good time. They have the cunning of a vulture just waiting for the right unsuspecting target and without warning pounce on their prey. I would suggest that people with Venus in Aries might want to put themselves in the other peoples shoes, so that they can understand the impact they have on others, but all that these natives would be able to see is themselves in a different pair of shoes, and life would continue just as before.

   In all of the running around that Venus in Aries does, they should try to find out what the ideal relationship is in the outside world, rather than looking in all of the wrong places. Right here the conversation ends, and Aries is off again.

  Here is the typical Venus in Aries making up their mind, especially making a commitment "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, well. . . . Yes, no, Yes, No

   You can tell the person with Venus in Aries by how far they try to stick their tongue down your throat, while talking casually for the first time.

Mars in Leo:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

  If you want to bore this Mars in Leo person to death, insist on foreplay. "What do you mean you won't make love to me? I took you to dinner and a show! What else do you want, a carriage ride through Central Park?"

  Once in the boudoir, they pounce on their prey like the Lions that they are, and with the finesse of Dracula, go right for the neck. Boy! are they off by a country mile. They can really make a mockery of love making and destroy the bed in the process.

  Heart trouble can plague these people, so make sure that you have the commanding position while making love or you may get crushed in the heat of the moment.