The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Jake Gyllenhaal
December 19, 1980
12:00 PM
Los Angeles, California

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     28 Sag 06
                 Moon     2 Gem 03
                 Mercury 21 Sag 35
                 Venus    1 Sag 57
                 Mars    21 Cap 20

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 20:00:00   Time Zone: 8 hours West

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Sun in Sagittarius:

Sagittarius - Key words: Born Free, and intends to remain that way

   Look fast and you may see a Sagittarian comin' round the bend, but when you look again, they are gone. This is the essence of the typical Sagittarian. Don't plan a 13 course meal for your Sagittarius as they are only 1 or 2 course people, and when it's time to move on, it is always at a moments notice. Sagittarians lovemaking partner should be someone who doesn't take the entire process too seriously, so Mr. Sagittarius can put on his pirate outfit and jump from ship to ship yelling Aye, Matey. What the heck, make it an adventure where the audience can join in and revel at the moment.

   Everyone knows when a Sagittarius is around or at least in the room, they are usually drunk and acting very badly before, during or after everyone else has gone home.

   The greatest Sagittarian attributes are speed of all sorts, fast and dangerous driving, and new girlfriends. A drive in the country is a farce for Sagittarians, as they go driving so people can see and admire them, and not the other way around.

   On the job you can always tell the Sagittarians, they are the ones walking out rather than getting fired, and in business Sagittarians are very successful (as a rule) because their ego would not allow any less.

   For the typical Sagittarian, casual love making is a good night out, or a night on the town. While they are out on the prowl for whatever their pleasure, the lower the life form they encounter the better is a general rule to follow. Sagittarians would make great cowboys, wanderers, street people or gamblers.

   If you are a woman wooing this Sagittarian, a few words of advice, give them lots of room and freedom, and then let them go. You may never see this Sagittarian again, but let them go and see what drifts back in on the tide.

   Be forewarned that Sagittarians by nature are slobs in the bathroom, and it would be better for Sagittarians in general to marry a Virgo, who enjoys spending time in the bathroom and would have it disinfected before they got out the door.

   Now when it comes to mother in laws Sagittarius, they take their lives in their hands when they come over to your home, because Sagittarians don't take garbage from anyone. A good social evening with your in-laws Sagittarius would be putting them in a corner and telling them to stay!

   One of Sagittarius's greatest attributes is divorce, and anything can start the famous saying rolling off their lips "I Want A Divorce". Good times or bad, any season, event, day of the week or minute of the day is the right time, and the prime time for parting of the old, and starting with someone new.

   A Sagittarian women communicating to the world is like Tarzan jumping out of a tree, as they have the same impact. They are loud, argumentative, and have the grace of a Hippo stepping on a cantaloupe.

   Since the female Sagittarius is so adept at doing two things at once, she may resemble a robot, with the top part of her body doing one thing, while the lower half from the hips down is doing something else.

   You can always tell a Sagittarian woman at a party, they are the first ones to take their clothes off, and Sagittarian women can actually scare the hell out of men in the art of making love. Sagittarians can get carried so far away with lovemaking that the male of the species would swear they are on the alps as they open their mouth to yodel.

   What are the Sagittarian woman's needs in a man? That's easy, there are only two specifications: Strong, or Stupid.

Moon in Gemini:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   The Moon in Gemini native is best characterized by someone who is listening to the stereo with headphones on. The only problem is each ear is tuned to a different station, thereby driving them totally insane. Don't be troubled with this information however, because the Moon in Gemini native seems totally at home and at peace in this state. This is quite normal, and no other concerns are necessary.

   Honesty is a state of mind for the Moon in Gemini native and if they can get away with something, they will try it. Otherwise dishonesty, fibs, and some well placed white lies works just as well. Moon in Gemini natives love to dazzle people with bullshit (Pardon my English, but it is necessary just to prove a point).

   The Moon in Gemini's nervous system is strung together with spaghetti and if you want to drive these natives nuts, just walk up behind them and yell "Boo". Yeah, we are talking frazzle city here!

   Moon in Gemini people are just those kind of people that you have to ask to "SHUT UP", plain and simple, or they will go on like a broken phonograph record (or to update, a CD). Moon in Gemini natives have the unending capacity of annoying the hell out of other people! They operate under the theory that if they have to be unhappy, so do you. After all, fair is fair!

   This Moon in Gemini placement is really unstable in the residence department, so be prepared to move without warning, and frequently.

   Moon in Gemini natives are great at starting projects, and their workplace will be covered with ideas and projects that never get finished. The mind in a constant state of "begin new ideas now, before I lose the idea or the enthusiasm!", and it never gets past that.

   Sometimes you may see this Moon in Gemini native walking around with their mouths hanging open, staring at the ceiling. This is easy to spot and diagnose, and it is called confusion. Never under any circumstances send a Moon in Gemini native to the store without a shopping list engraved somewhere on their person. Should you forget this important detail, you will probably get a call from the store manager asking if anyone is missing in your family, because they found this person just walking around the store,. . . .LOST. Moon in Gemini natives have been known to lose small children, or leave them somewhere and forget where they left them.

   To best utilize this person's natural and instinctive abilities, send this Moon in Gemini native behind enemy lines in any country or geographic location with no information, and they will wander around for months with no idea where they are or why they are there, they will accept it at face value and go along with a "normal" daily routine, wandering from place to place. This in itself will drive the enemy crazy, and forget about trying to get any information out of them, it is the same as putting it in . . . Nonexistent and frustrating.

   "My emotions are as deep as a bottomless pit" says the Moon in Gemini native, only this one is full of yuck that no one wants. This placement has all of the clarity of dead bugs on your windshield at the beginning of summer that won't come off, and the windshield wipers just smudges them up, making visibility impossible.

   The Key Phrase for the Moon in Gemini native is:" I know what I want, I think!", and that is about as far as the process goes. They fluctuate with the daily tides which accounts for their wishy washy thinking.

   For Moon in Gemini natives, communicating during lovemaking is common place, and usually while screaming something very sensual and sexy like "I forgot to get the car serviced!", or otherwise planning their itinerary for the next day (in their mind of course). This is not to say that they are not sensitive, well ok, they are not sensitive, they are too much up in the clouds, mindwise, and they should really be called "The cerebral Evil Knievels" of love. You can always spot an emotionally unhappy Moon in Gemini native, because they can be found with a cigarette in one hand, with a pot of coffee in the other. Their nerves will be frazzled, and they become extremely accident prone.

Mercury in Sagittarius:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   Concentration is not their strong point, but they can direct their minds to something creative and accomplish something. They are always missing the small details that would have made that project they worked on perfect. If they had waited just a little bit longer to make any decisions, the answer would have presented itself, but they are intent on going off prematurely just like a loose cannon on deck. They should learn to be still and listen, for there is an inner voice waiting to talk to them, but they must be still to hear it. But will they take that advice? Absolutely not, because one cannot hear if they are always talking. In other words, SHUT UP!

   Lovemaking is as natural and frequent as going to the bathroom for these natives, like changing your socks or fondly fondling edible underwear. These people should try making love in the woods surrounded by Yogi the bear or Bambi, after all, that's how Thumper got his name.

   These are the people who sing at the top of their lungs while making love. Stop it, you are annoying the neighbors. Take it back out to the woods during hunting season. Not only will they confuse the hunters, they will drive the animals nuts too!

   For Mercury in Sagittarius a story is just a story, but with a little exaggeration mixed with a little accentuation and a whole lot of imagination, it is not a story anymore. It becomes an event, an adventure and a downright hilarious one at that!

   Mercury in Sagittarius natives have got to be the friendliest people in the world and will talk to others like they are a long lost brother or sister, having no idea who they are, somehow in the back of their minds, they should know who they are. Because of this trait, they must be careful of giving away too much information about themselves that they can easily regret later.

Venus in Sagittarius:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   Venus in Sagittarius are demonstrative and friendly in their affections. They will actually introduce themselves before trying to take you to bed. A formality, its true but nevertheless a nice touch.

   Since these people make great gamblers, you can expect to be seduced on a gaming table while, I might add, there is money riding on a number. Ah!, the fine art of romance and adventure.

   These are the people who go skydiving nude while making love or on the other hand, you may get a sermon instead. That is the other side of this coin. A nice middle of the road approach might be making love while preaching. Where is Jim Bakker when you need him? He is a perfect example of this principle. He supposedly (gotta give him the benefit of the doubt) screwed the world while preaching at the same time.

Mars in Capricorn:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

   Always there and faithful, like laundry day is the Mars in Capricorn native. They prefer to set up specific boundaries with their lover. "This is my side of the bed and that is yours, I don't cross over to your side, and you don't cross over to mine" The sex act now completed, you may both now smoke a cigarette and bask in the rapture of the moment, and back to business as usual.

  Mars in Capricorn in intimate moments is like trying to move an immovable object. They use the Military position of love which is the ability to make love while standing or laying down completely at attention with absolutely no bodily parts moving or responding. Kneeling is optional if done carefully. Making love to a Mars in Capricorn person is like trying to hump a dry Martini.

  Mars in this position points to a lack of sensuality, but it is overcompensated for by an abundance of materialistic attitudes. If you want to make an impression on this native, give them something material, but expect to be interrogated, as this position of Mars uses this as foreplay. If you pass, you're in. If not, try bigger gifts.

  These people are so practical that they actually plan out going to the bathroom and make it an event. If they can charge money for a peek then so much the better.

  They have a very high degree of self control and discipline in everything except but being able to go to the bathroom on a regular basis. They have the regularity of concrete. Why? Because rigid thinking and actions dominate the body, both structurally and dietary. The diet is so insufficient with this placement that you may actually find them eating dead things on a cracker thinking they have found ecstasy.

  If you really want to impress this person, for their birthday have the house put under attack by terrorists because they love a good challenge. For this reason they would have made great military minds and strategists.