The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

James Garner
April 7, 1928
6:00 PM
Norman, Oklahoma

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     17 Ari 55
                 Moon    19 Sco 02
                 Mercury 25 Pis 09
                 Venus   25 Pis 37
                 Mars     0 Pis 18

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 00:00:00   Time Zone: 6 hours West

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Sun in Aries:

Aries: Key words: The Egomaniac.  EGO: for the hell of it.

   The word Spirituality and Aries are never used together in the same sentence, at least not on purpose. A Spiritual moment for the typical Aries native is closing another business deal, or just looking marvelous. Promising more than they can ever hope to deliver is a bad habit to get into for the Aries native, but all of us fall into that trap once in awhile, and Aries most of the time however, it's just that they are more prone to it, and really enjoy it. They have the reputation of being real mavericks or madmen (or madwomen), sometimes both at the same time, letting their fists do the talking for them. Remember though Aries people, he who lives by the sword . . . can also get cut by it.

   While talking to an Aries male or female, pay careful attention to their eyes, and you can get a good idea who they would rather be having a conversation with, as their eyes wander around the room looking for someone more interesting, most likely someone who can further their career or do something for them. Aries people are self absorbed, and what "they" are doing in life is more important than what other people are doing, unless doing something for someone else will make the Aries look good, then that is a much different story. After all, appearances are most important to the Aries person.

   Aries are often accused of having foul mouths, but only in private situations or in moments of frustration which can occur moment by moment. Aries people may work themselves to death to forget they are going to die, even though people are telling them to lighten up. It takes a real crisis for an Aries to pay attention to his/her health, and even then Aries will push it aside, considering it a fluke knowing it couldn't happen to them again, and go on with life as if nothing had happened.

   Impatience with small details winds up costing them in the long run as Aries people are lousy at details. In this example Aries people should simply give the project to someone who is a stickler at details like a Virgo, and let them run with it. In this way the typical Ariens new and original thinking can be moving on to the next project.

   The unevolved versions of the sign Aries can be very immature, and there will be a great hunger for admiration, even if they are making total butt heads of themselves.

   The Impossible Mission for Aries: To grow up. Key Phrase: " I want it, but I have no idea exactly what it is that I want, or what to do with it when I get it." On the other hand if anything is acquired too easily, and the challenge is gone, so is this Aries interest!

   In the area of making love, Aries natives can get so excited, that they are actually finished with the whole process before their partner gets started (real or otherwise). Aries people use their love making prowess like radar to hone in on their targets and objects of desire, only to find that the excitement of bumping into something, or the mere thought and fantasy of love making is more gratifying than the actual act. Aries people see these brief contacts as a false reading on their inner "radar" screen, and go on searching for other blips. If one is considering dating this person, the fire may ignite for the Aries and go out way before the smoking lamp is lit, or it will probably light up in someone else's back yard before, during or after you had time to figure out what was going on, or when. No one is implying that Aries people fool around, but there are those that won't say they don't. "Let your conscience be your guide Aries", is the theme for this sign, then as usual, they must do what they want to anyway, regardless of the consequences.

Moon in Scorpio:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   If you are not going to kill a bull at the bull fight, don't just wound it and let it go, because you are only gonna get it mad. This is the emotional capacity for Moon in Scorpio natives.

   Here is judgment waiting for the axe to fall, whether right, wrong or indifferent. Moon in Scorpio people are prone to very deep feelings, but for what is anybody's guess.

   The epitome of fighting to the death for what they want belongs to the Moon in Scorpio native, only to find out they really didn't want it in the first place, only now it may be too late to change it, or do anything about it.

   Moon in Scorpio people have an uncanny knack for knowing when someone is cheating on them, and will show up at the motel etc., to find you, tell you, or castrate you. All of the above may apply, and I might add, at the same time.

   Moon in Scorpio people need to find someone who is less paranoid than themselves to take care of, so they can bounce around from place to place without somewhere to land.

   Love making for Moon in Scorpio people is a religious experience, and if it doesn't work out, then revenge for them is the only alternative that seems to be fair! Moon in Scorpio people would never hold a grudge though, a gun, knife, baseball bat, sharp object, or blunt instrument yes, but never a grudge!

   Health matters for the Moon in Scorpio especially when unhappy is problems with the sexual organs, accident prone behavior, headaches to themselves, and causing headaches to others, especially causing headaches to others.

Mercury in Pisces:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   These people are highly poetic and psychic and music will have a strong effect on them. Be careful of the ever popular "Moody syndrome" and making left turns into negativity.

   Some other goodies located in this sign is being a wee bit too over sensitive and easily hurt. Try to avoid resentment if possible, if not, avoid it anyway.

   Here is the last person on earth that would rather talk about lovemaking than do it. They are not intimate if they don't feel like it, there ain't no two doubts about it. Lovemaking can be a burden for them if done too much, so they must try to do it in moderation and use the rest of the time to slaughter cattle, rebuild engines or work on aircraft.

   They don't need to be "in" a relationship all the time, but should they turn over in bed and there is someone there, what the heck.

Venus in Pisces:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   This person is willing to tie themselves to a roulette wheel while you are throwing knives at it to feel wanted and appreciated. At the same time they are holding a sign that says "Anything for love". An added touch to get the attention of these wonderful people would be to compose a song while the wheel is turning and knives are flying through the air, or writing a very special poem just for them, to show the heights and depths of love.

   They are extremely sensitive and romantic and you may find them hiding in deep dark corners of the house when upset, such as basements or in the attic.

   Compassion, deep love and sympathy on the very verge of being spiritual defines Venus in Pisces. This is a very nice quality in the times that we live in. They also have a wonderful rapport with all of natures beautiful and ugly creatures.

   Always remember, when romancing this sign, to show clear demonstration of love and affection. Otherwise the loneliness and disappointment that results would float a boat in the midst of the ocean.

   Be careful how far you go with this native as you may wake up one morning with them singing original love songs, reciting original poetry by the ton, or being captured El Buffo on canvas.

   You have to pry love out of this Venus in Pisces, as they are so afraid of rejection they are as cautious as a new chastity belt, and as hard to get open.

Mars in Pisces:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

   Mars in Pisces is sweet, with all the goodness you could ask for unless you make them mad, they are then into revenge that only The Son of Sam (a fun loving murderer) could satisfy.

   These natives are pretty quiet on the outside but this should be viewed as a warning in itself. Inwardly, the pot and the pressure cooker do boileth.

   They are very sensitive and need someone gentle and tender like underdone meat. A relationship with the Scorpio of the species would be just too much and would smoke the tires off their mainframe. A much lighter touch does the trick here and if you happen to be sacrificing yourself at the same time, that's okay too!

   For Mars in Pisces love takes place in the Masochistic state, half bondage, and half "Yes Master, Yes Master". Traditionally Mars in Pisces is said to be the prostitutes of the Zodiac, but it's not so . . ., you are just a little loose in the caboose!

  Mars in Pisces people have the ability to have sex at or during a psychic fair or sťance, feeling it was a great spiritual experience.