The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Johnny Carson
October 23, 1925
7:15 AM
Corning, Iowa

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     29 Lib 37
                 Moon    13 Cap 37
                 Mercury 10 Sco 09
                 Venus   13 Sag 48
                 Mars    16 Lib 07

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 13:15:00   Time Zone: 6 hours West

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Sun in Libra:

Libra - Key words: Head in the clouds, while falling
    off a cliff

  "Fly me to the moon" is the motto of this air sign. "If we aren't going to get married, let me know now, I have a date tomorrow", says the impatient Libra.

   Libra is the chemical parent of Librium, a tranquilizer which, by the way, is a wonderful way of not caring about anything.

   Librans have a talent for nastiness at times, and can swear so fluently that is frightens everyone, but then again, everyone has their niche in life. Do you need someone unreliable who is not able to keep a secret? Count on a Libra native to spill the beans every time!

   Libra people are very easy to spot, as these are the people who can be looking straight at you, and not hear a word that you say, or care! Try to be kind to them, as they spend so much time in another realm that few of us ever see, that they forget about the mundane things of life, like reality.

   Some cheap advice: Revenge doesn't belong to Librans, and when they are old enough and mature enough to accept and understand this, they won't spend hours planning the perfect revenge, as Librans are great at carrying grudges and remembering the slightest slights. Librans must use caution as sudden headaches can be a burden to them as well, and must drink plenty of water to keep the kidneys operating in tip top order.

   Concentration wise, Libra's are the type of people who can go upstairs for something, and have no idea what they are doing up there in the first place, come back down stairs and begin again.

   If flirting was a vocation, Libra would easily be a millionaire a hundred times over, as Librans often confuse love and friendship and are often accused of being loose in the caboose in the lovemaking department.

   Libras have a great sense of humor, and everyone, everywhere knows they are in the room by the loud manner in which they laugh.

Moon in Capricorn:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   Moon in Capricorn natives are not happy campers in general as there is too much of a Hitler complex that needs controlling. Moon in Capricorn people need to add lots of fiber to their diet to avoid constipated feelings, constipated body, and constipated mind. Moon in Capricorn natives often suffer from arthritis or aches and pains in bodily joints or in the structural bones or back as a result of stress.

   The Moon in Capricorn person has all of the spiritual awareness of a stone and I'm not talking about crystals or Stonehenge either. To be fair, in the more evolved Capricorn, we find great teachers and Masters, but the standard everyday variety has their own needs in mind, and they can be extremely selfish, worrying about their own desires, and pretty soon their own needs become their master and their teacher. The Moon in Capricorns radar is always on for the two most important things in their lives, which is power and money and their acquisition makes them happy and secure.

   Moon in Capricorn natives truly believe that all relationships that start out in their teens as difficult, will continue for life much the same way as though they deserve nothing better for themselves. This is their way of convincing themselves they are right when things that inevitably go wrong, go wrong. Last but not least, when you allow a negative thought pattern embedded in your emotions, it will take a very big and brawny man or woman to change your mind.

   Capricorns are loyal beyond the call of duty in relationships, and will stay there even when the last act is over, the fat lady has sung her merry tune, and everyone has long since forgotten the whole incident. They hang on to people, places and things, especially children until they get a cosmic slap in the face to let go, and live their own life.

   These days, dear Capricorn native, the only safe lover is one that sleeps all the time. That's one way to keep them loyal now isn't it Moon in Capricorn?

   The Moon in Capricorn natives need a lover who will gently beat them beside the head with any object that is handy to get them to be noticed. Once they find this person, Moon in Capricorn natives know they are somewhat sincere. Group love making for these natives is standing in the corner contemplating their navel. Moon in Capricorn people are the types that feel a gift is just as good as making love. " Here is a dollar for your troubles my dear, or how about something practical like a toaster oven.", says the person with Moon in Capricorn.

Mercury in Scorpio:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   Here is the original two edged sword looking for the chopping block. These people are so secretive, that they don't even talk to themselves, but Scorpio natives are perceptive of others and know just when other people are vulnerable so they can swoop down and pounce on them.

   Here is another one of those signs that is overcritical of everyone but themselves, the self appointed judge and jury. They should have be policemen, spies, or detectives, peering into everyone's secret lives like a common criminal.

   Love that is mysterious, behind the scenes and down and dirty, that's Mercury in Scorpio. Sounds like love making with 007, with the same air of danger connected with it. Come to think love making while being attacked would be perfect for them. They can probably be found in dark alleys picking up stray cats doing unspeakable things just for the intrigue.

   These must have been the original streakers, who ran nude across the campus. Anything bizarre or perverse is fine for them. They should avoid using the concept of running through the streets nude as a tool for sex, because it won't work. Okay, it might!

   This kind of person is the movie director who invites you up to his office to audition for him. "Sit on my couch my dear, let's see what develops".

Venus in Sagittarius:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   Venus in Sagittarius are demonstrative and friendly in their affections. They will actually introduce themselves before trying to take you to bed. A formality, its true but nevertheless a nice touch.

   Since these people make great gamblers, you can expect to be seduced on a gaming table while, I might add, there is money riding on a number. Ah!, the fine art of romance and adventure.

   These are the people who go skydiving nude while making love or on the other hand, you may get a sermon instead. That is the other side of this coin. A nice middle of the road approach might be making love while preaching. Where is Jim Bakker when you need him? He is a perfect example of this principle. He supposedly (gotta give him the benefit of the doubt) screwed the world while preaching at the same time.
Mars in Libra:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

  Rulership is mine says this placement of Mars. You need a partner who is open to love making adventures, like diving off a cliff or having sex in the path of an approaching speedboat. This is true excitement!

  At other times they are so considerate of their romantic partner, that they will sit down with them and fill out a questionnaire of likes and dislikes, turn ons and turnoffs, times, dates and places. How sweet and considerate, and a true description of Mars in Libra.

  These people must have their own way with this position of Libra. They swing like the scales, an easy going pain in the neck. They can be kind and gentile, or drive you off the road in their car. If this person would ever learn that anger isn't the answer and adopt an attitude of waiting, the desired outcome will come to pass, but no, they've got to take matters into their own hands screwing up the works. Well, see if I care then!

  Oddly enough, a lousy marriage is like spiritual awareness in the final examination of things for these natives. They are very intuitive people and must learn to be aggressive and humble equally. In other words learn when to act and when to shut up!

  This placement has all the intimacy of two people running towards each other without their feet ever touching the ground. Think about it, it will come to you. Here is the person who is able to make love to an illusion, or some reasonable facsimile.

  They have a talent for nastiness, and can swear so fluently that it frightens everyone.