The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Jim Carrey
January 17, 1962
12:00 PM
Newmarket, Canada

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     27 Cap 07
                 Moon    22 Gem 15
                 Mercury 15 Aqu 15
                 Venus   24 Cap 47
                 Mars    18 Cap 13

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 17:00:00   Time Zone: 5 hours West

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Sun in Capricorn:

Capricorn - Key Words: The analytical constipated mind

   Persuading Capricorns to make love has to be done under hypnosis, otherwise it is a fruitless endeavor. In fact, when choosing a long time relationship Capricorn, choose someone who has been dead for at least 50 years. Capricorns are so controlled, that they may actually die a statue, trouble is, no one may know the difference. The author of this whimsy was married to a Capricorn lady once, and being a Leo I was interested in my performance in that very intimate moment. To make a long story short, as I looked at my Capricorn mate in bed afterwards, I actually thought she had passed away. It was difficult to distinguish life from lifelessness at that moment. This summed up intimacy and marriage to a Capricorn.

   The Capricorn's lovemaking technique has all of the warmth of an iceberg, but good news, if they held onto their partner in lovemaking like they do their career, they would get the academy award for sensuality. Don't worry though, it'll never happen.

   In business, arguments, relationships or career, Capricorns would never enter into anything that they have the slightest possibility of losing at.

   If you want to completely screw up the Capricorn mind, give them a computer for their birthday, or go away and "forget" to leave instructions for the food processor, microwave, washing machine or dryer. Try to tape it for future reference, as the laughs will be precious as their analytical minds try to unboggle the mysteries of DOS in computers, or Convection in Microwaves.

   As an example, Al Capone was a Capricorn. He had a whimsical habit of beating people to death with a baseball bat.

   How can you spot a Capricorn at a party? They are the ones telling the same old joke, over and over again, thinking it is something new and exciting, and for the first time.

   Like the sign Taurus, Capricorns use the same restaurants and same Motel/Hotel year after year after year, whether they enjoyed it or not.

   You can always tell a Capricorn home, there is only one phone, placed in the middle for access from any part of the house.

   A Capricorn's career is one where as an administrator they excel because they are cold and suspicious. These are some of Capricorns most charming attributes.

   There are ways to get through that tough Capricorn exterior though, as they are very vulnerable to criticism. Even though Capricorns will never admit it, it rumbles there beneath the surface. Keep at it long enough and watch the alarms and overloads go off in their heads. Although Capricorns always look in control, they have the inner anxiety control of a meadow muffin, and fear of public opinion is right up there with constipation for any Capricorn.

  To get a Capricorn's attention to make love, interrogate them, it will blow their mind, and start the inevitable wheels a turnin' (What are they after? What is their motivation?) If you do turn this Capricorn on, then I hope you don't mind wearing the bracelets slaves used to wear, because this is the kind of loyalty this love munchkin needs.

  Capricorns do fall in love though, with the same consistency of Halley's Comet, lasting about as long as the observation of it.

  Okay, so now you are in tight with this Capricorn, you are in a relationship of master and slave and . . . what happens next? It's like a blasted soap opera, you have to wait for script changes and do everything exactly as it is written, and for goodness sake, no method acting, that will spoil everything! As far as marriage goes, if you can strike a good bargain with your Capricorn, they will resemble a good companion, like a dog.

  Capricorns often marry early just to get out of the circumstances they are in, usually making life no better than it was to begin with.

  Women of the species would be better off marrying a Golden Retriever. After all, loyalty is everything!

Moon in Gemini:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   The Moon in Gemini native is best characterized by someone who is listening to the stereo with headphones on. The only problem is each ear is tuned to a different station, thereby driving them totally insane. Don't be troubled with this information however, because the Moon in Gemini native seems totally at home and at peace in this state. This is quite normal, and no other concerns are necessary.

   Honesty is a state of mind for the Moon in Gemini native and if they can get away with something, they will try it. Otherwise dishonesty, fibs, and some well placed white lies works just as well. Moon in Gemini natives love to dazzle people with bullshit (Pardon my English, but it is necessary just to prove a point).

   The Moon in Gemini's nervous system is strung together with spaghetti and if you want to drive these natives nuts, just walk up behind them and yell "Boo". Yeah, we are talking frazzle city here!

   Moon in Gemini people are just those kind of people that you have to ask to "SHUT UP", plain and simple, or they will go on like a broken phonograph record (or to update, a CD). Moon in Gemini natives have the unending capacity of annoying the hell out of other people! They operate under the theory that if they have to be unhappy, so do you. After all, fair is fair!

   This Moon in Gemini placement is really unstable in the residence department, so be prepared to move without warning, and frequently.

   Moon in Gemini natives are great at starting projects, and their workplace will be covered with ideas and projects that never get finished. The mind in a constant state of "begin new ideas now, before I lose the idea or the enthusiasm!", and it never gets past that.

   Sometimes you may see this Moon in Gemini native walking around with their mouths hanging open, staring at the ceiling. This is easy to spot and diagnose, and it is called confusion. Never under any circumstances send a Moon in Gemini native to the store without a shopping list engraved somewhere on their person. Should you forget this important detail, you will probably get a call from the store manager asking if anyone is missing in your family, because they found this person just walking around the store,. . . .LOST. Moon in Gemini natives have been known to lose small children, or leave them somewhere and forget where they left them.

   To best utilize this person's natural and instinctive abilities, send this Moon in Gemini native behind enemy lines in any country or geographic location with no information, and they will wander around for months with no idea where they are or why they are there, they will accept it at face value and go along with a "normal" daily routine, wandering from place to place. This in itself will drive the enemy crazy, and forget about trying to get any information out of them, it is the same as putting it in . . . Nonexistent and frustrating.

   "My emotions are as deep as a bottomless pit" says the Moon in Gemini native, only this one is full of yuck that no one wants. This placement has all of the clarity of dead bugs on your windshield at the beginning of summer that won't come off, and the windshield wipers just smudges them up, making visibility impossible.

   The Key Phrase for the Moon in Gemini native is:" I know what I want, I think!", and that is about as far as the process goes. They fluctuate with the daily tides which accounts for their wishy washy thinking.

   For Moon in Gemini natives, communicating during lovemaking is common place, and usually while screaming something very sensual and sexy like "I forgot to get the car serviced!", or otherwise planning their itinerary for the next day (in their mind of course). This is not to say that they are not sensitive, well ok, they are not sensitive, they are too much up in the clouds, mindwise, and they should really be called "The cerebral Evil Knievels" of love. You can always spot an emotionally unhappy Moon in Gemini native, because they can be found with a cigarette in one hand, with a pot of coffee in the other. Their nerves will be frazzled, and they become extremely accident prone.

Mercury in Aquarius:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   These people are very good judges of character, but can act like a bull in a china shop," Too Stubborn!"

   They would make good writers or excellent speakers with the possibility of some original thoughts and perceptions, but they must work at it and develop it.

   The idea of lovemaking turns them into jelly, as they coagulate at the actual act, so they keep it in the hemisphere, where they can watch their own movie, while the real thing is happening somewhere else.

   You cannot surprise these natives, there must be some kind of emotions to be surprised. If you try, the reaction would probably be passing wind, a smile, and a "that was interesting, . . so what's next?"

   Be extra careful what you think about when you are near these people, as they can pick all data like a sponge. They are very telepathic, especially if you are thinking about someone else while you are making love to them!

   A great position for this placement would be working in a laboratory or any field related to science which comes easily for them. They are a little nutty, but very good at it.

Venus in Capricorn:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   When this person appears at your door with a new dishwasher, expect them to be interested in you romantically. The problem is, they won't be interested in anything else, and you'll only confuse them if you ask them to explain how that new gift works.

   Romancing a Capricorn is like trying to push a pea through the eye of a needle. Even if you succeed you wind up with a hell of a mess.

   Capricorns engaged in romance are easy to spot. Picture a beached whale listening to lectures by the masters, like Hitler or Napoleon.

   Public displays of affection or emotion will turn these natives into wrecks, as they have no response to that kind of stimuli at all. They are the "all purpose" driving vehicle of romance, safe to drive and economical, but uncomfortable as hell.

Mars in Capricorn:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

   Always there and faithful, like laundry day is the Mars in Capricorn native. They prefer to set up specific boundaries with their lover. "This is my side of the bed and that is yours, I don't cross over to your side, and you don't cross over to mine" The sex act now completed, you may both now smoke a cigarette and bask in the rapture of the moment, and back to business as usual.

  Mars in Capricorn in intimate moments is like trying to move an immovable object. They use the Military position of love which is the ability to make love while standing or laying down completely at attention with absolutely no bodily parts moving or responding. Kneeling is optional if done carefully. Making love to a Mars in Capricorn person is like trying to hump a dry Martini.

  Mars in this position points to a lack of sensuality, but it is overcompensated for by an abundance of materialistic attitudes. If you want to make an impression on this native, give them something material, but expect to be interrogated, as this position of Mars uses this as foreplay. If you pass, you're in. If not, try bigger gifts.

  These people are so practical that they actually plan out going to the bathroom and make it an event. If they can charge money for a peek then so much the better.

  They have a very high degree of self control and discipline in everything except but being able to go to the bathroom on a regular basis. They have the regularity of concrete. Why? Because rigid thinking and actions dominate the body, both structurally and dietary. The diet is so insufficient with this placement that you may actually find them eating dead things on a cracker thinking they have found ecstasy.

  If you really want to impress this person, for their birthday have the house put under attack by terrorists because they love a good challenge. For this reason they would have made great military minds and strategists.