The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Ingrid Bergman
August 29, 1915
3:30 AM
Stockholm, Sweden

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun      4 Vir 40
                 Moon    25 Ari 33
                 Mercury 18 Vir 05
                 Venus    0 Vir 41
                 Mars     6 Can 15

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 02:30:00   Time Zone: 1 hours East

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

AstrolReport.com
For Professional Charts and Reports
http://www.astrolreport.com

 

Sun in Virgo:

Virgo - Key Words: The Virgin and the Surgeon

   "We will make love now! I have planned a nice bath and sterile conditions to produce maximum effects for love making!", says the Virgo native.

   "What do you mean you aren't in the mood now? Love making should be planned for optimum output!", "Spon what? What is spontaneous?" , "No, love should be well thought out, executed with precise timing, and messiness must be kept to an absolute minimum, cleaned up, sanitized and graded for efficiency", "Enjoyment has nothing to do with it!", "but first, all bodily parts should be boiled beyond recognition, to remove any nasty bacteria. "As one might be readily able to see, Virgo has a "different" idea of what intimacy is all about, the problem is who can live up to these expectations? Only a Virgo!

   Since clothes are a real turn on for Virgo natives, they should have their love choice wearing a tuxedo to get you into the mood or better yet, why not a hospital gown with gloves and mask to match? Stethoscopes are optional, but a thermometer for the correct temperature for optimum ovulation would be nice. Lovemaking with a Virgo is called an "internal or external examination", and should never be taken lightly.

   The originator of the term in restaurants called "separate checks please" was a Virgo out on a date for the first time, or the 50th time.

   Virgo's have no faith in anything they can't see, feel, touch, predict, AND when the typical Virgo's do, they still don't believe it. That's just the kind of trusting soul Virgo's are. Insecurity to the 10th power.

   Remember the school teacher or parent that used to say "I'd wipe that smirk off your face", or "I suppose you find this amusing", or "You'll be laughing out of the other side of your face?". Remember? Well, Virgo's invented it. Honest!

   Virgo's are another one of those cosmic munchkins that has a tongue that cuts like a knife through butter, and doesn't particularly care who is on the receiving end.

   While wandering through life Virgo, remember to leave all the "ugly" things about the world alone. If it doesn't offend the Universe, who are we to improve on it? The typical Virgo will go through life making everything perfect around them, and bitching like crazy if it isn't, while being dragged down in the muck and confusion that surrounds their own lives. They feel that by "sanitizing" the outer world they live in, theirs becomes pure and clean. What they really need is an internal cleansing, as this is the only place that needs to be cleaned, and the world will continue to be a dirty, filthy place despite their efforts. You can't blame a person for trying though, right?

   Virgoans have the wonderful capacity for spying on their neighbors, including times, dates and details of each event, and then sitting down to write about it.

   Virgo's have the passions of moldy water, and the excitement to go with it. Go ahead and sulk! Just don't nag people or make remarks that cut like the mark of Zorro on unsuspecting victims. For the most part, people like to make nice, so make nice!

   If you want to have fun with a Virgo, simply do the following: Give them two jobs to do at the same time. Then stand back and watch their mind unravel and explode. If that doesn't work, then go for the old stand by. Simply say "Can I borrow your car?" You stand a better chance of stealing cement from a standing building than getting that car! Another fun thing to do to a typical Virgo native is to demand a commitment from them, or plan a wedding day. Then stand back with a stop watch and count the seconds it takes for them to disappear, and this especially true of the males of the species.

   Displaying affection is very difficult for Virgo natives, probably because they come from an unloving family where they were not subjected to displays of love, or the whole idea of affection is yucky to them in the first place. An icy and suspicious nature belongs to the typical Virgo.

   One of the more positive and endearing qualities of the Virgo native is that they are never jealous. Why? Because they never give enough of themselves to ever be hurt by someone which leaves their emotions in tact, and. . . life goes on!

  The idea of recreation for a Virgo, is to spend the day in the bathroom, preferably alone, where they can play touchy feely, or play "Sanitary Mind Games".

  Real romance for the Virgo native can be found in men who are married, terminal patients, or persons with disfiguring disabilities.

  Never, ever, ever give a Virgo native alcohol to get them into a romantic mood, because all you will get in return is a razor sharp mouth that cuts like a knife, but twice as sharp and uninhibited. It's like letting a runaway lawnmower loose on an unsuspecting lawn.

  Yes dear Virgo, you do have to get undressed to make love. I didn't invent it, it's just one of those things that is a pre-requisite for making love. It's a whole concept that goes back in time and is not fully understood, but give it a try anyway!.

Moon in Aries:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   How can people say people with Moon in Aries have a bad temper? Because they have the compassion of Godzilla tromping through Tokyo while having a Big Mac attack. Those menacing munchkins!

   Everything is personal with Moon in Aries. No matter how impersonal a statement is made, in their infinite "state" they can make an issue of it. For example: A simple "Good Morning & how are you" can be turned into "fine thanks, but what have you heard, and why are you asking?"

   You can always tell an emotionally unhappy Moon in Aries native, either they have a grand old headache, or they become VERY accident prone. Odd illnesses of the head are an added attraction for these hot blooded beings.

   The Moon in Aries's judgment may as well be non existent, because they don't deal well with matters of the earth. They would have made a great attack dog to someone. "Sic 'em boy, Sic 'em". And there they would be, with drool running out of their mouths waiting for a biscuit for doing yet another good job for their master.

   Reactions to emotions are often associated with the logic "Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time?". Sure, so is lancing a boil, but I wouldn't want to make a career of it!

   Moon in Aries natives make friends easily, but lose them just as quickly, as they are just a wee bit unstable and intense for the rest of humanity. Hocus Pocus.

   Relationships for the natives with Moon in Aries begin with the subtlety of being struck by lightning, then die just as suddenly. It can be equated with being swept off your feet, then falling headfirst from a plane without a parachute.

   Moon in Aries natives should find a lover who has a built in plug for recharging if they want love to make it the long haul. Picture being the orchestra leader standing before a group of musicians, finishing a brilliant piece to a wonderful climax, sleeping with them all, and then leaving. This for people with Moon in Aries is a night out on the town.

Mercury in Virgo:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

  Out of the mouths of babes, usually comes Yuck! This is the positive side of Mercury in Virgo.

  These people have very stable minds and a strong capacity for common sense. I'll bet they have loads of great recipes filed away in that computer they call a mind. These people are the crazoids who are intolerant of others stupidity? It is what they fear most within themselves!

  No one can possibly live up to the love fantasy they have created, complete with surgical tools, disinfectant and scuba gear. Love toys include wonder jelly, a probe (with a light on the tip of it), a surgical table with stirrups and anesthesia, lots of plastic gloves and other plastic appliances, condoms without holes in them, and lots of gauze. Who knows what the gauze is for, and who cares!

  Yes, people do have to get undressed to have sex. I didn't invent it, it's just one of those things that you have to do. It's a whole concept.

Venus in Virgo:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   A satisfactory relationship for this person consists of a can of bug spray squirted in the face of the loved one. If they make it through the Emergency Room then love stands a good chance of surviving. Living in a very sterile world is their forte, and females would make great housewives as long as you have them wired correctly, check the programming often, and keep a broom, mop, or kitchen utensil in their hand. All other elements of existence are void, non-existent, and especially not covered by manufacturers warranty.

   To Venus in Virgo natives lovemaking is about as interesting as a priest at a peep show. Well, most of them anyway. They will probably be a lot of fun during sex, if they ever get out of the twilight zone! Planning sex for them is the same as planning strategy in a football game, if all of the players are not in the right position, there won't be any touchdown.

  How do you actually spot this Vixen of Virtue? She is very easy to find. She has dinner on the table, greets you at the door only because you have dirty shoes, and says "kiss kiss, hug, hug" (words only, there is no visible physical contact involved). Making love to this person is as mechanical as fixing your car.

  Romance for them is to hang out at a monastery, and look for rejects.  A note of caution: Never, ever walk in on this placement while they are on the thrown, this is where they spend most of their recreational time and they are very guarded about their privacy.

  A romantic evening for Venus in Virgo would be to put a dinner plate on the table for their favorite animal, as it asks for nothing and give so much. Venus in Virgo people really get off on this.

  Never, under any circumstances, allow anyone with this placement to go into the bathroom to change into something more comfortable because you will never, ever see them again.

  Real romance for Venus in Virgo is found in men who are married, terminal patients, or totally disabled.

  Yes, people do have to get undressed to have sex, Venus in Virgo. I didn't invent it, it's just one of those things that you have to do. It's a whole concept.

Mars in Cancer:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

   "Are we going to make love, or are you going to just sit there and cry". This is the plight of the Cancer personality. Maybe they will do both at the same time. There is another possibility as well, since they have such a weak stomach with this placement, they may make love and throw up afterwards which is really great for their partners ego, OR. . . throw up on their partner while making love. Now there is a really disgusting thought!

   These people are very domesticated and can often be found sleeping with the cat. Their rhythm in lovemaking has all of the coordination of the jitterbug, and no one really knows when the big moment will occur, least of all them. Do lovers a favor, warn them that something is coming, but then again so is Christmas.

   When it comes to the rhythm of the moment, you are great at the old one, two, one two. Lovemaking defined with this person is: "Wham, Bam, and thank you".