The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Hayden Panettiere
August 21, 1989
12:00 PM
Palisades, New York

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     28 Leo 34
                 Moon     0 Tau 30
                 Mercury 24 Vir 38
                 Venus    4 Lib 16
                 Mars    11 Vir 27

                 Daylight Savings Time observed
                 GMT: 16:00:00   Time Zone: 5 hours West

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Sun in Leo:

Leo: Key Words: How great thou Art! What more needs to be said?

  "I did it for you, what do you mean you won't do it for me?", says the unappreciated Leo. That sums up the main characteristics of the Leo native, except they need to communicate without the use of a sledge hammer to bring their point across.

   Positive attributes for Leo natives is that they don't carry grudges in any situation, it is too much of an effort, instead Leo's carry coolers full of party favors around with them at all times, just in case an opportunity for fun and amusement comes up, and oh yes, Leo's talk very loud. Leos hate to compete, mainly because they are having too good a time and prefer doing nothing. It's an automatic "You win, let's party" situation.

   Leo's will spend every dime they have and some they don't have (on the old credit cards) to make an impression on this weeks love God or Goddess. In some instances (more than not) the Leo's search for romance and conquering proves very expensive, and very unsatisfying, if at takes place at all! The Leo male will find it amazing that they bring candy, flowers and all the niceties on a date or other informal setting and don't score, or their expectations are shot down, and then the same object of this Leo's affections will go out with the first person who mistreats them (figuratively) and maul them like a tigress making love for the very first time. It just baffles the Leo mind, but still he/she never gives up the pursuit of whatever they are pursuing?

   Typical male or female Leo careers can be found in Publishing or TV productions (you know the one, come on up to my office and read a script for me) and writing plays or movies.

   Marriage for the Leo male or female is like playing Russian Roulette with a slight twist. In this case, all the chambers have a bullet.

Moon in Taurus:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   The almighty dollar is their weakness, it makes them strong, needed, and gives them a strong sense of power over others. A real stubbornness exists with people with Moon in Taurus that simply must have the last word in any conversation and, cannot stop or give in to any situation even though they know they are dead wrong . . . . "I know money is what I need, I'm insecure!" says the typical Taurean, "and I hate to charge you anything at all for my services", "But that will be $35. just the same."

   If you want to see a Moon in Taurus native blow a fuse and have an emotional breakdown (which isn't probable under normal circumstances), give them two things to do at the same time and tell them you need them both, yesterday, or see if they can juggle and chew gum at the same time. You'll probably get the reply "Do you want me to chew gum, or juggle, now make up your mind!" Just for a laugh, tell this Moon in Taurus native you are going to make a change in their job description. Lead it off with "To Include: In addition to your present job, the list that follows:" Ah, the panic in their minds as gears change, brain cells snap, the eyes go buggy and around in circles, and "terror" rattles the nervous system, then, the inevitable cigarette goes into the mouth, like a pacifier.

   The Moon in Taurus's emotions tend to be steady, just like making bank deposits week after week, after week, easy does it! Yes, we are secure now, and we're feeling much better, thank you! You can always tell an emotionally unhappy Moon in Taurus person because they always wind up with sore throats or problems with the throat, or have their heads buried in the cookie jar and any form of sweets.

   The typical Moon in Taurus native is very practical, and uses instinct in emotional situations. This means, that if it feels good, and they can profit by it, they'll do it, no matter what the task!

   Moon in Taurus natives never rush into love, for love to them is like moldy cheese in the refrigerator, just waiting to be thrown out because they just never got around to it. At that very moment, they take notice of it. Courtships are not the Moon in Taurus's style, because to them, it is just a bunch of Indians running around in circles. After awhile, they forget who is who and why. Moon in Taurus natives don't commit easily, and when they do, they should be committed, literally. In other words, some people find commitments give strength to relationships, but Moon in Taurus people see it as a sign of ownership.

Mercury in Virgo:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

  Out of the mouths of babes, usually comes Yuck! This is the positive side of Mercury in Virgo.

  These people have very stable minds and a strong capacity for common sense. I'll bet they have loads of great recipes filed away in that computer they call a mind. These people are the crazoids who are intolerant of others stupidity? It is what they fear most within themselves!

  No one can possibly live up to the love fantasy they have created, complete with surgical tools, disinfectant and scuba gear. Love toys include wonder jelly, a probe (with a light on the tip of it), a surgical table with stirrups and anesthesia, lots of plastic gloves and other plastic appliances, condoms without holes in them, and lots of gauze. Who knows what the gauze is for, and who cares!

  Yes, people do have to get undressed to have sex. I didn't invent it, it's just one of those things that you have to do. It's a whole concept.

Venus in Libra:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

  Never come home and say to this person, "Gee, the house looks great!, but you look a bit frumpy!". This will start Niagara Falls flowing.

  Expect to find the Venus in Libra home rearranged. . . . often!

  They have a talent for nastiness, and can swear so fluently that it frightens everyone. To be fair, there are those who hate coarse behavior. In this instance, body slamming isn't a turn on, and a gentler approach should be sought. Try dipping them in chocolate and let nature take its course. This sign must be careful with chocolates, sweets and excessive sex, as it weakens the kidneys. More water must be ingested to keep them in tip top shape.

  Harmony in courtship and marriage is extremely important to the Venus in Libra. Remember you can't seduce them with heavy rock music playing in the background because you may wind up with a very nervous lover.

  These people look for relationships that are bonded, like cement, and impossible to get out of unless you disrupt the aura around them (sorry, didn't mean to get esoteric).

  Venus in Libra is another air sign which means that you have to go to the cloud they live on to communicate. Just be careful where you step though, it is a long way down. They need mental stimulation so try saying "I love you" in many different voices until you find one that strikes their fancy. Dirty movies live in the realm of mental stimulation, so try a Dirty Harry movie or some pornographic facsimile.

  Venus in Libra people may be attracted to older lovers at some point, especially if they have money. They love money as it represents security, and if your intended is much older, then they won't have to wait long to inherit. It's boorish, cruel and the truth. On the other hand, you can be attracted to VERY young ones as well. Here is where the phrase "robbing" the baby carriage came from.

  These people have a great sense of hearing. You must be careful when you talk about them because they invented the saying "The Walls Have Ears".

Mars in Virgo:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

   To them, love making is much too messy, so why do it! Here is the lover who will bitch and moan about the quality of a condom. Details, details, details. Expect a complete internal and external examination before, during and after the actual act, which may be viewed as very messy, time consuming, and unnecessary.

   Hot Lips Hoolahan on Dramamine is how to define Mars in Virgo. Lovemaking is like lancing a boil to them, sterile and unfulfilling.

   Now here is a personal word of advice. If this person feels that they are doing all the work putting this evening of magic together, expect to hear about it, and hear about it, and hear about it. So, to make things short, make sure to hold up your end of it, which ever end that turns out to be.

  These people are the originators of everything must be on time, so don't be late, or early, or anywhere in between. Love making for them is a party of one, usually themselves, because they love to touch themselves, they just can't keep their hands off!

  Never, ever, ever give this person alcohol to get them into a romantic mood, all you get is the mouth of a sharp knife, . . . . sharpened!

  Yes, people do have to get undressed to have sex. I didn't invent it, it's just one of those things that you have to do. It's a whole concept.