The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Gwen Stefani
October 3, 1969
10:23:09 PM
Fullerton, California

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     10 Lib 49
                 Moon    19 Can 07
                 Mercury  1 Lib 23
                 Venus   13 Vir 31
                 Mars     8 Cap 14

                 Daylight Savings Time observed
                 GMT: 05:23:09   Time Zone: 8 hours West

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Sun in Libra:

Libra - Key words: Head in the clouds, while falling
    off a cliff

  "Fly me to the moon" is the motto of this air sign. "If we aren't going to get married, let me know now, I have a date tomorrow", says the impatient Libra.

   Libra is the chemical parent of Librium, a tranquilizer which, by the way, is a wonderful way of not caring about anything.

   Librans have a talent for nastiness at times, and can swear so fluently that is frightens everyone, but then again, everyone has their niche in life. Do you need someone unreliable who is not able to keep a secret? Count on a Libra native to spill the beans every time!

   Libra people are very easy to spot, as these are the people who can be looking straight at you, and not hear a word that you say, or care! Try to be kind to them, as they spend so much time in another realm that few of us ever see, that they forget about the mundane things of life, like reality.

   Some cheap advice: Revenge doesn't belong to Librans, and when they are old enough and mature enough to accept and understand this, they won't spend hours planning the perfect revenge, as Librans are great at carrying grudges and remembering the slightest slights. Librans must use caution as sudden headaches can be a burden to them as well, and must drink plenty of water to keep the kidneys operating in tip top order.

   Concentration wise, Libra's are the type of people who can go upstairs for something, and have no idea what they are doing up there in the first place, come back down stairs and begin again.

   If flirting was a vocation, Libra would easily be a millionaire a hundred times over, as Librans often confuse love and friendship and are often accused of being loose in the caboose in the lovemaking department.

   Libras have a great sense of humor, and everyone, everywhere knows they are in the room by the loud manner in which they laugh.

Moon in Cancer:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   Moon in Cancer people are extremely sensitive to their surroundings, and they can cry at the drop of a hat, but they will even cry if you pick up a hat. Their constant need to mother others can make you barf after awhile. Moon in Cancer natives can be very psychic but on a bad day when the wiring gets wet, all they get is static, probably Lawrence Welk or David Bowie doing "ground control to major Tom . . . ."

   Moon in Cancer natives experience tremendous highs and lows in moods and expressing themselves, probably all at the same time. In love making they can express these disturbances through beating up their lovers, and then taking care of them, nursing them back to health. This should serve to balance their warped emotional swings. For these Moon in Cancer people, old relationships never die, they just keep adding new people to the list or their own personal phone book.

   There are two truly distinct operating modes for the Moon in Cancer person. Either they make absolutely no damn sense OR they are totally overwhelming when laying ideals, or emotions on you. There is nothing in between to base reality on, but you are free to give it a try.

   All signs have the ability to abuse things, and in the Moon in Cancer's case it is any form of dairy product, primarily CHEESE! They absolutely love anything that will carbohydrate themselves into a false sense of security. "If you don't love me, I know a hunk of cheese that will appreciate me!", says the insecure and oversensitive Moon in Cancer! When they are emotionally unhappy, this is the first line of defense for improving self worth and confidence. Be careful what goes into your tummy when you are unhappy Cancer natives, as food can provide pleasure or extreme discomfort when feeling low.

   When you marry or court this Moon in Cancer native, expect to have the phone line embedded somewhere in their body which is directly attached to a receiver on their mothers person somewhere.

   If you want to have a great time with a Moon in Cancer native, just think something hurtful about them without actually verbally doing so, and they are good for a sulk until the cows come home. They can sense you've said something, but can't prove it. Sit back and watch the Paranoia set in, and expect lots of brooding, because that is their second most positive attribute. Hey, you have to give Moon in Cancer natives a little slack however, because they are tuned in psychically to all the space garbage that is in the air every moment of the day. After awhile, you'd be a bit buggy too!

Mercury in Libra:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   Good judgment is present as well as sensitivity with Mercury in Libra, but they can spend a lot of time on cloud 9, never having a foothold on reality.

   These natives have thoughts of nothing in general, while in a kind of laxative state. Making love while constantly in motion would be ideal for them, and if there is a need to constantly change positions with your partner, at least warn them, the turbulence alone could be devastating. They are always trying to change and improve what was given a fixed number of different positions, but will that stop them? No!

   They have a talent for nastiness, and can swear so fluently that it frightens everyone. These are the people who are so interested and curious about what they are doing that they will drive you nuts asking questions. Read a book! Take a break for goodness sake. Prunes are always in season, so take a break and load up. Enjoy the laxative state.

  This is the personification of working in the mental state. You won't find this position of Libra telling fibs, because they believe in honesty and balance. Leave the dishonesty to the rest of the Zodiac, they are better equipped to handle it.

  Mercury in Libra can get lost in indecision and miss opportunities, so make sure you have a cattle prod handy to help them along. "Since I can see both sides of the issue, the middle of the road must contain the answer." "Therefore my decision is: Ummm!", says the Mercury in Libra native.

  These people are so honest that if you are perspiring more than usual with a little odor connected with it, they will let you know about it. (There is nothing like being dried with a towlette to keep you in a romantic mood!) I'd love to see you try this maneuver on the NY subway where people are crammed together like sardines. "Towlettes, handiwipes, anyone for towlettes, handiwipes?"

Venus in Virgo:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   A satisfactory relationship for this person consists of a can of bug spray squirted in the face of the loved one. If they make it through the Emergency Room then love stands a good chance of surviving. Living in a very sterile world is their forte, and females would make great housewives as long as you have them wired correctly, check the programming often, and keep a broom, mop, or kitchen utensil in their hand. All other elements of existence are void, non-existent, and especially not covered by manufacturers warranty.

   To Venus in Virgo natives lovemaking is about as interesting as a priest at a peep show. Well, most of them anyway. They will probably be a lot of fun during sex, if they ever get out of the twilight zone! Planning sex for them is the same as planning strategy in a football game, if all of the players are not in the right position, there won't be any touchdown.

  How do you actually spot this Vixen of Virtue? She is very easy to find. She has dinner on the table, greets you at the door only because you have dirty shoes, and says "kiss kiss, hug, hug" (words only, there is no visible physical contact involved). Making love to this person is as mechanical as fixing your car.

  Romance for them is to hang out at a monastery, and look for rejects.  A note of caution: Never, ever walk in on this placement while they are on the thrown, this is where they spend most of their recreational time and they are very guarded about their privacy.

  A romantic evening for Venus in Virgo would be to put a dinner plate on the table for their favorite animal, as it asks for nothing and give so much. Venus in Virgo people really get off on this.

  Never, under any circumstances, allow anyone with this placement to go into the bathroom to change into something more comfortable because you will never, ever see them again.

  Real romance for Venus in Virgo is found in men who are married, terminal patients, or totally disabled.

  Yes, people do have to get undressed to have sex, Venus in Virgo. I didn't invent it, it's just one of those things that you have to do. It's a whole concept.

Mars in Capricorn:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

   Always there and faithful, like laundry day is the Mars in Capricorn native. They prefer to set up specific boundaries with their lover. "This is my side of the bed and that is yours, I don't cross over to your side, and you don't cross over to mine" The sex act now completed, you may both now smoke a cigarette and bask in the rapture of the moment, and back to business as usual.

  Mars in Capricorn in intimate moments is like trying to move an immovable object. They use the Military position of love which is the ability to make love while standing or laying down completely at attention with absolutely no bodily parts moving or responding. Kneeling is optional if done carefully. Making love to a Mars in Capricorn person is like trying to hump a dry Martini.

  Mars in this position points to a lack of sensuality, but it is overcompensated for by an abundance of materialistic attitudes. If you want to make an impression on this native, give them something material, but expect to be interrogated, as this position of Mars uses this as foreplay. If you pass, you're in. If not, try bigger gifts.

  These people are so practical that they actually plan out going to the bathroom and make it an event. If they can charge money for a peek then so much the better.

  They have a very high degree of self control and discipline in everything except but being able to go to the bathroom on a regular basis. They have the regularity of concrete. Why? Because rigid thinking and actions dominate the body, both structurally and dietary. The diet is so insufficient with this placement that you may actually find them eating dead things on a cracker thinking they have found ecstasy.

  If you really want to impress this person, for their birthday have the house put under attack by terrorists because they love a good challenge. For this reason they would have made great military minds and strategists.