The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Gordon Lightfoot
November 17, 1938
7:00 AM
Orillia, Canada

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     24 Sco 29
                 Moon     0 Lib 32
                 Mercury 14 Sag 44
                 Venus   28 Sco 57
                 Mars    14 Lib 38

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 12:00:00   Time Zone: 5 hours West

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Sun in Scorpio:

Scorpio - Key words: Great first impressions & The Masters of Deception

   Like the eternal child who says "Mine. . ., Mine .. ., Mine . . .," you better believe what belongs to the Scorpio native, is indeed theirs. Be careful when visiting the Scorpio home unannounced, because you may find yourself in the middle of an active mine field because they have decided "I want to be alone!"

   Scorpio women are only happy when they get their little faces involved ever so innocently in other people's lives, trying to belong (so they say), taking over completely. Beware key phrases like "What do you think about. . ." or "Would it be possible to. . .". These are loaded opening statements that sound innocent, but are actually carefully thought out ploys at taking over someone's life. In all fairness, they are dedicated, hard working and conscientious, and because of this, they will eventually own the world, or their fair share of it. Give up and give in gracefully, or don't let them into your life at all.

   The mothering instincts of the Scorpio woman are so strong, that even if they have raised Son of Sam (A fun kind of guy who liked to murder people), they will defend them to the hilt, while physically or verbally thrashing you in the process.

   Scorpios searching for the power that rules can be compared to firing a gun inside a tank. No matter where you hide, chances are you are going to get hit by a flying bullet. Now to further clarify, the Scorpio fired the gun, and is the only one in the tank. They have the same chance of obtaining the power they so desperately seek, no matter what means they employ.

   Typical Scorpio men can be so secretive, that most of the time they don't even tell themselves what is going on!

   Check a Scorpios hand when they "give" something to you. Chances are, there is a string directly attached to the item in question, and when you are not looking, they simply reel it back in.

   Scorpios have the same self control of Charles Manson and while you are out on a date, expect to get into a dispute that can end up in legal proceedings. A typical Scorpio would look at the whole incident as a barely passable date, except the performance level was a bit under par.

   The word scruples and Scorpio are not found in the same dictionary, corner of the globe, or same hemisphere. Scorpio natives will do absolutely anything to get what they want. Scorpio's have the finesse of a hit man (and some of them are), and they have the same ability to forgive as well.

   The female of the species make excellent lovers, and burn at a very high passionate intensity. Before attempting to engage this hot-blooded creature, make sure you are wearing your fireproof underwear. You might want to re-evaluate your own understanding of love making, as Scorpio women can hand you the reins, and expect to be whipped by them just to get them mildly interested.

   Scorpios make great hit and run journalists, hit and run drivers, blackmailers, terrorists and madmen. These of course are the good qualities.

Moon in Libra:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

  Home ties can be very important to the Moon in Libra native. Just because they don't live with their parents, doesn't mean they don't have a 200 mile phone line attached to their umbilical cord, with an automatic dialer for times of real emotional crisis.

  "I would kill for peace and quiet!", says the Moon in Libra native to their family as they assure you how non-violent they are.

  The Emotional neutral Zone belongs to the Moon in Libra native, and you will find they especially love to rearrange and beautify things. Moon in Libra natives are those types of people who, when their spouse or partner goes to work, rearrange the furniture, and when their loved ones get home, they damn near kill themselves falling over the couch that used to be the bed.

  Moon in Libra people are so sensitive to their surroundings and need for harmony, that a good fight can keep them hovering around the toilet bowl and throwing up, for hours.

  You might be able to tell a Moon in Libra person who is emotionally unhappy by the gallons of water they drink to keep their kidneys in good working order, as that is their weak point.

  Moon in Libra natives are so emotionally insecure, that if by the second date you are not discussing marriage, you will be replaced by someone who is. As they get older, they usually get a grip on this tendency, by about the 5th or 6th marriage.

Mercury in Sagittarius:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   Concentration is not their strong point, but they can direct their minds to something creative and accomplish something. They are always missing the small details that would have made that project they worked on perfect. If they had waited just a little bit longer to make any decisions, the answer would have presented itself, but they are intent on going off prematurely just like a loose cannon on deck. They should learn to be still and listen, for there is an inner voice waiting to talk to them, but they must be still to hear it. But will they take that advice? Absolutely not, because one cannot hear if they are always talking. In other words, SHUT UP!

   Lovemaking is as natural and frequent as going to the bathroom for these natives, like changing your socks or fondly fondling edible underwear. These people should try making love in the woods surrounded by Yogi the bear or Bambi, after all, that's how Thumper got his name.

   These are the people who sing at the top of their lungs while making love. Stop it, you are annoying the neighbors. Take it back out to the woods during hunting season. Not only will they confuse the hunters, they will drive the animals nuts too!

   For Mercury in Sagittarius a story is just a story, but with a little exaggeration mixed with a little accentuation and a whole lot of imagination, it is not a story anymore. It becomes an event, an adventure and a downright hilarious one at that!

   Mercury in Sagittarius natives have got to be the friendliest people in the world and will talk to others like they are a long lost brother or sister, having no idea who they are, somehow in the back of their minds, they should know who they are. Because of this trait, they must be careful of giving away too much information about themselves that they can easily regret later.

Venus in Scorpio:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

  Venus in Scorpios idea of foreplay is ripping up the flowers, throwing the food at you, strangling the Cherubs, and thrusting themselves on you.

  This sign has all of the romantic sensitivity of a line foreman on the 68th floor of a skyscraper, and all of the compassion of a dentist with hydraulic tools who is just going to do a cleaning, scraping, polishing, filling and extraction, all within one visit. They have the sensitivity of a linebacker with jock itch. Sorry folks, it just leaped out of my brain and onto this paper. I won't say forgive me (I'd be killed for being mortal) instead I'll just say "SUFFER!"

   Expect to be romancing an animal in heat when being intimate with Venus in Scorpio. To say this person is selfish in lovemaking is to also say that Hitler was an overmotivated and overachieving alter boy.

   This person can make passionate and sometimes painful love to you, and then punish you for not being able to take it. Anyone for whips and chains?

   In lovemaking there is all the sensitivity and compassion of a tornado going through a trailer park. It can split you apart at the seams and scatter you for miles. You had better find a concrete basement to hide in until she blows over. Sorry, poor choice of words.

Mars in Libra:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

  Rulership is mine says this placement of Mars. You need a partner who is open to love making adventures, like diving off a cliff or having sex in the path of an approaching speedboat. This is true excitement!

  At other times they are so considerate of their romantic partner, that they will sit down with them and fill out a questionnaire of likes and dislikes, turn ons and turnoffs, times, dates and places. How sweet and considerate, and a true description of Mars in Libra.

  These people must have their own way with this position of Libra. They swing like the scales, an easy going pain in the neck. They can be kind and gentile, or drive you off the road in their car. If this person would ever learn that anger isn't the answer and adopt an attitude of waiting, the desired outcome will come to pass, but no, they've got to take matters into their own hands screwing up the works. Well, see if I care then!

  Oddly enough, a lousy marriage is like spiritual awareness in the final examination of things for these natives. They are very intuitive people and must learn to be aggressive and humble equally. In other words learn when to act and when to shut up!

  This placement has all the intimacy of two people running towards each other without their feet ever touching the ground. Think about it, it will come to you. Here is the person who is able to make love to an illusion, or some reasonable facsimile.

  They have a talent for nastiness, and can swear so fluently that is frightens everyone.