The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Frederick Bailey Deeming
July 30, 1842
12:00 PM
London, England

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun      6 Leo 50
                 Moon     5 Tau 33
                 Mercury 17 Can 24
                 Venus   13 Vir 47
                 Mars    26 Can 31

                 Local Mean Time observed
                 GMT: 12:00:40   Time Zone: 0 hours West

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Sun in Leo:

Leo: Key Words: How great thou Art! What more needs to be said?

  "I did it for you, what do you mean you won't do it for me?", says the unappreciated Leo. That sums up the main characteristics of the Leo native, except they need to communicate without the use of a sledge hammer to bring their point across.

   Positive attributes for Leo natives is that they don't carry grudges in any situation, it is too much of an effort, instead Leo's carry coolers full of party favors around with them at all times, just in case an opportunity for fun and amusement comes up, and oh yes, Leo's talk very loud. Leos hate to compete, mainly because they are having too good a time and prefer doing nothing. It's an automatic "You win, let's party" situation.

   Leo's will spend every dime they have and some they don't have (on the old credit cards) to make an impression on this weeks love God or Goddess. In some instances (more than not) the Leo's search for romance and conquering proves very expensive, and very unsatisfying, if at takes place at all! The Leo male will find it amazing that they bring candy, flowers and all the niceties on a date or other informal setting and don't score, or their expectations are shot down, and then the same object of this Leo's affections will go out with the first person who mistreats them (figuratively) and maul them like a tigress making love for the very first time. It just baffles the Leo mind, but still he/she never gives up the pursuit of whatever they are pursuing?

   Typical male or female Leo careers can be found in Publishing or TV productions (you know the one, come on up to my office and read a script for me) and writing plays or movies.

   Marriage for the Leo male or female is like playing Russian Roulette with a slight twist. In this case, all the chambers have a bullet.

Moon in Taurus:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   The almighty dollar is their weakness, it makes them strong, needed, and gives them a strong sense of power over others. A real stubbornness exists with people with Moon in Taurus that simply must have the last word in any conversation and, cannot stop or give in to any situation even though they know they are dead wrong . . . . "I know money is what I need, I'm insecure!" says the typical Taurean, "and I hate to charge you anything at all for my services", "But that will be $35. just the same."

   If you want to see a Moon in Taurus native blow a fuse and have an emotional breakdown (which isn't probable under normal circumstances), give them two things to do at the same time and tell them you need them both, yesterday, or see if they can juggle and chew gum at the same time. You'll probably get the reply "Do you want me to chew gum, or juggle, now make up your mind!" Just for a laugh, tell this Moon in Taurus native you are going to make a change in their job description. Lead it off with "To Include: In addition to your present job, the list that follows:" Ah, the panic in their minds as gears change, brain cells snap, the eyes go buggy and around in circles, and "terror" rattles the nervous system, then, the inevitable cigarette goes into the mouth, like a pacifier.

   The Moon in Taurus's emotions tend to be steady, just like making bank deposits week after week, after week, easy does it! Yes, we are secure now, and we're feeling much better, thank you! You can always tell an emotionally unhappy Moon in Taurus person because they always wind up with sore throats or problems with the throat, or have their heads buried in the cookie jar and any form of sweets.

   The typical Moon in Taurus native is very practical, and uses instinct in emotional situations. This means, that if it feels good, and they can profit by it, they'll do it, no matter what the task!

   Moon in Taurus natives never rush into love, for love to them is like moldy cheese in the refrigerator, just waiting to be thrown out because they just never got around to it. At that very moment, they take notice of it. Courtships are not the Moon in Taurus's style, because to them, it is just a bunch of Indians running around in circles. After awhile, they forget who is who and why. Moon in Taurus natives don't commit easily, and when they do, they should be committed, literally. In other words, some people find commitments give strength to relationships, but Moon in Taurus people see it as a sign of ownership.

Mercury in Cancer:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   Give this person a life jacket, as their mind is constantly under water. In other words, the mind is bogged down in the glop of emotions, and they cannot separate them. On a positive note this position gives them the capacity for being extremely psychic, but they must develop it.

   Making love to them is so private they will be lucky if their lover can find them, much less do anything else! Yes, she was one of those quiet ones! The perfect fantasy for them is taking a casual boat trip to a remote island, sinking the boat saying "Oops, oh dopey me!, Looks like we will be here for awhile". "Now what can we do to pass the time until the rescue boat comes?"

   There should be signs in Libraries that say " No Cancerians allowed". They talk much too loud!

Venus in Virgo:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   A satisfactory relationship for this person consists of a can of bug spray squirted in the face of the loved one. If they make it through the Emergency Room then love stands a good chance of surviving. Living in a very sterile world is their forte, and females would make great housewives as long as you have them wired correctly, check the programming often, and keep a broom, mop, or kitchen utensil in their hand. All other elements of existence are void, non-existent, and especially not covered by manufacturers warranty.

   To Venus in Virgo natives lovemaking is about as interesting as a priest at a peep show. Well, most of them anyway. They will probably be a lot of fun during sex, if they ever get out of the twilight zone! Planning sex for them is the same as planning strategy in a football game, if all of the players are not in the right position, there won't be any touchdown.

  How do you actually spot this Vixen of Virtue? She is very easy to find. She has dinner on the table, greets you at the door only because you have dirty shoes, and says "kiss kiss, hug, hug" (words only, there is no visible physical contact involved). Making love to this person is as mechanical as fixing your car.

  Romance for them is to hang out at a monastery, and look for rejects.  A note of caution: Never, ever walk in on this placement while they are on the thrown, this is where they spend most of their recreational time and they are very guarded about their privacy.

  A romantic evening for Venus in Virgo would be to put a dinner plate on the table for their favorite animal, as it asks for nothing and give so much. Venus in Virgo people really get off on this.

  Never, under any circumstances, allow anyone with this placement to go into the bathroom to change into something more comfortable because you will never, ever see them again.

  Real romance for Venus in Virgo is found in men who are married, terminal patients, or totally disabled.

  Yes, people do have to get undressed to have sex, Venus in Virgo. I didn't invent it, it's just one of those things that you have to do. It's a whole concept.

Mars in Cancer:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

   "Are we going to make love, or are you going to just sit there and cry". This is the plight of the Cancer personality. Maybe they will do both at the same time. There is another possibility as well, since they have such a weak stomach with this placement, they may make love and throw up afterwards which is really great for their partners ego, OR. . . throw up on their partner while making love. Now there is a really disgusting thought!

   These people are very domesticated and can often be found sleeping with the cat. Their rhythm in lovemaking has all of the coordination of the jitterbug, and no one really knows when the big moment will occur, least of all them. Do lovers a favor, warn them that something is coming, but then again so is Christmas.

   When it comes to the rhythm of the moment, you are great at the old one, two, one two. Lovemaking defined with this person is: "Wham, Bam, and thank you".