The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Felicity Huffman
December 9, 1962
12:00 PM
Bedford, Kings, NY

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     17 Sag 09
                 Moon    24 Tau 27
                 Mercury 25 Sag 03
                 Venus   12 Sco 58
                 Mars    23 Leo 09

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 17:00:00   Time Zone: 5 hours West

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Sun in Sagittarius:

Sagittarius - Key words: Born Free, and intends to remain that way

   Look fast and you may see a Sagittarian comin' round the bend, but when you look again, they are gone. This is the essence of the typical Sagittarian. Don't plan a 13 course meal for your Sagittarius as they are only 1 or 2 course people, and when it's time to move on, it is always at a moments notice. Sagittarians lovemaking partner should be someone who doesn't take the entire process too seriously, so Mr. Sagittarius can put on his pirate outfit and jump from ship to ship yelling Aye, Matey. What the heck, make it an adventure where the audience can join in and revel at the moment.

   Everyone knows when a Sagittarius is around or at least in the room, they are usually drunk and acting very badly before, during or after everyone else has gone home.

   The greatest Sagittarian attributes are speed of all sorts, fast and dangerous driving, and new girlfriends. A drive in the country is a farce for Sagittarians, as they go driving so people can see and admire them, and not the other way around.

   On the job you can always tell the Sagittarians, they are the ones walking out rather than getting fired, and in business Sagittarians are very successful (as a rule) because their ego would not allow any less.

   For the typical Sagittarian, casual love making is a good night out, or a night on the town. While they are out on the prowl for whatever their pleasure, the lower the life form they encounter the better is a general rule to follow. Sagittarians would make great cowboys, wanderers, street people or gamblers.

   If you are a woman wooing this Sagittarian, a few words of advice, give them lots of room and freedom, and then let them go. You may never see this Sagittarian again, but let them go and see what drifts back in on the tide.

   Be forewarned that Sagittarians by nature are slobs in the bathroom, and it would be better for Sagittarians in general to marry a Virgo, who enjoys spending time in the bathroom and would have it disinfected before they got out the door.

   Now when it comes to mother in laws Sagittarius, they take their lives in their hands when they come over to your home, because Sagittarians don't take garbage from anyone. A good social evening with your in-laws Sagittarius would be putting them in a corner and telling them to stay!

   One of Sagittarius's greatest attributes is divorce, and anything can start the famous saying rolling off their lips "I Want A Divorce". Good times or bad, any season, event, day of the week or minute of the day is the right time, and the prime time for parting of the old, and starting with someone new.

   A Sagittarian women communicating to the world is like Tarzan jumping out of a tree, as they have the same impact. They are loud, argumentative, and have the grace of a Hippo stepping on a cantaloupe.

   Since the female Sagittarius is so adept at doing two things at once, she may resemble a robot, with the top part of her body doing one thing, while the lower half from the hips down is doing something else.

   You can always tell a Sagittarian woman at a party, they are the first ones to take their clothes off, and Sagittarian women can actually scare the hell out of men in the art of making love. Sagittarians can get carried so far away with lovemaking that the male of the species would swear they are on the alps as they open their mouth to yodel.

   What are the Sagittarian woman's needs in a man? That's easy, there are only two specifications: Strong, or Stupid.

Moon in Taurus:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   The almighty dollar is their weakness, it makes them strong, needed, and gives them a strong sense of power over others. A real stubbornness exists with people with Moon in Taurus that simply must have the last word in any conversation and, cannot stop or give in to any situation even though they know they are dead wrong . . . . "I know money is what I need, I'm insecure!" says the typical Taurean, "and I hate to charge you anything at all for my services", "But that will be $35. just the same."

   If you want to see a Moon in Taurus native blow a fuse and have an emotional breakdown (which isn't probable under normal circumstances), give them two things to do at the same time and tell them you need them both, yesterday, or see if they can juggle and chew gum at the same time. You'll probably get the reply "Do you want me to chew gum, or juggle, now make up your mind!" Just for a laugh, tell this Moon in Taurus native you are going to make a change in their job description. Lead it off with "To Include: In addition to your present job, the list that follows:" Ah, the panic in their minds as gears change, brain cells snap, the eyes go buggy and around in circles, and "terror" rattles the nervous system, then, the inevitable cigarette goes into the mouth, like a pacifier.

   The Moon in Taurus's emotions tend to be steady, just like making bank deposits week after week, after week, easy does it! Yes, we are secure now, and we're feeling much better, thank you! You can always tell an emotionally unhappy Moon in Taurus person because they always wind up with sore throats or problems with the throat, or have their heads buried in the cookie jar and any form of sweets.

   The typical Moon in Taurus native is very practical, and uses instinct in emotional situations. This means, that if it feels good, and they can profit by it, they'll do it, no matter what the task!

   Moon in Taurus natives never rush into love, for love to them is like moldy cheese in the refrigerator, just waiting to be thrown out because they just never got around to it. At that very moment, they take notice of it. Courtships are not the Moon in Taurus's style, because to them, it is just a bunch of Indians running around in circles. After awhile, they forget who is who and why. Moon in Taurus natives don't commit easily, and when they do, they should be committed, literally. In other words, some people find commitments give strength to relationships, but Moon in Taurus people see it as a sign of ownership.

Mercury in Sagittarius:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   Concentration is not their strong point, but they can direct their minds to something creative and accomplish something. They are always missing the small details that would have made that project they worked on perfect. If they had waited just a little bit longer to make any decisions, the answer would have presented itself, but they are intent on going off prematurely just like a loose cannon on deck. They should learn to be still and listen, for there is an inner voice waiting to talk to them, but they must be still to hear it. But will they take that advice? Absolutely not, because one cannot hear if they are always talking. In other words, SHUT UP!

   Lovemaking is as natural and frequent as going to the bathroom for these natives, like changing your socks or fondly fondling edible underwear. These people should try making love in the woods surrounded by Yogi the bear or Bambi, after all, that's how Thumper got his name.

   These are the people who sing at the top of their lungs while making love. Stop it, you are annoying the neighbors. Take it back out to the woods during hunting season. Not only will they confuse the hunters, they will drive the animals nuts too!

   For Mercury in Sagittarius a story is just a story, but with a little exaggeration mixed with a little accentuation and a whole lot of imagination, it is not a story anymore. It becomes an event, an adventure and a downright hilarious one at that!

   Mercury in Sagittarius natives have got to be the friendliest people in the world and will talk to others like they are a long lost brother or sister, having no idea who they are, somehow in the back of their minds, they should know who they are. Because of this trait, they must be careful of giving away too much information about themselves that they can easily regret later.

Venus in Scorpio:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

  Venus in Scorpios idea of foreplay is ripping up the flowers, throwing the food at you, strangling the Cherubs, and thrusting themselves on you.

  This sign has all of the romantic sensitivity of a line foreman on the 68th floor of a skyscraper, and all of the compassion of a dentist with hydraulic tools who is just going to do a cleaning, scraping, polishing, filling and extraction, all within one visit. They have the sensitivity of a linebacker with jock itch. Sorry folks, it just leaped out of my brain and onto this paper. I won't say forgive me (I'd be killed for being mortal) instead I'll just say "SUFFER!"

   Expect to be romancing an animal in heat when being intimate with Venus in Scorpio. To say this person is selfish in lovemaking is to also say that Hitler was an overmotivated and overachieving alter boy.

   This person can make passionate and sometimes painful love to you, and then punish you for not being able to take it. Anyone for whips and chains?

   In lovemaking there is all the sensitivity and compassion of a tornado going through a trailer park. It can split you apart at the seams and scatter you for miles. You had better find a concrete basement to hide in until she blows over. Sorry, poor choice of words.

Mars in Leo:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

  If you want to bore this Mars in Leo person to death, insist on foreplay. "What do you mean you won't make love to me? I took you to dinner and a show! What else do you want, a carriage ride through Central Park?"

  Once in the boudoir, they pounce on their prey like the Lions that they are, and with the finesse of Dracula, go right for the neck. Boy! are they off by a country mile. They can really make a mockery of love making and destroy the bed in the process.

  Heart trouble can plague these people, so make sure that you have the commanding position while making love or you may get crushed in the heat of the moment.