The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Eminem
October 17, 1973
12:00 PM
Kansas City, Missouri

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     24 Lib 11
                 Moon     8 Can 01
                 Mercury 18 Sco 39
                 Venus    9 Sag 25
                 Mars     4 Tau 04

                 Daylight Savings Time observed
                 GMT: 17:00:00   Time Zone: 6 hours West

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Sun in Libra:

Libra - Key words: Head in the clouds, while falling
    off a cliff

  "Fly me to the moon" is the motto of this air sign. "If we aren't going to get married, let me know now, I have a date tomorrow", says the impatient Libra.

   Libra is the chemical parent of Librium, a tranquilizer which, by the way, is a wonderful way of not caring about anything.

   Librans have a talent for nastiness at times, and can swear so fluently that is frightens everyone, but then again, everyone has their niche in life. Do you need someone unreliable who is not able to keep a secret? Count on a Libra native to spill the beans every time!

   Libra people are very easy to spot, as these are the people who can be looking straight at you, and not hear a word that you say, or care! Try to be kind to them, as they spend so much time in another realm that few of us ever see, that they forget about the mundane things of life, like reality.

   Some cheap advice: Revenge doesn't belong to Librans, and when they are old enough and mature enough to accept and understand this, they won't spend hours planning the perfect revenge, as Librans are great at carrying grudges and remembering the slightest slights. Librans must use caution as sudden headaches can be a burden to them as well, and must drink plenty of water to keep the kidneys operating in tip top order.

   Concentration wise, Libra's are the type of people who can go upstairs for something, and have no idea what they are doing up there in the first place, come back down stairs and begin again.

   If flirting was a vocation, Libra would easily be a millionaire a hundred times over, as Librans often confuse love and friendship and are often accused of being loose in the caboose in the lovemaking department.

   Libras have a great sense of humor, and everyone, everywhere knows they are in the room by the loud manner in which they laugh.

Moon in Cancer:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   Moon in Cancer people are extremely sensitive to their surroundings, and they can cry at the drop of a hat, but they will even cry if you pick up a hat. Their constant need to mother others can make you barf after awhile. Moon in Cancer natives can be very psychic but on a bad day when the wiring gets wet, all they get is static, probably Lawrence Welk or David Bowie doing "ground control to major Tom . . . ."

   Moon in Cancer natives experience tremendous highs and lows in moods and expressing themselves, probably all at the same time. In love making they can express these disturbances through beating up their lovers, and then taking care of them, nursing them back to health. This should serve to balance their warped emotional swings. For these Moon in Cancer people, old relationships never die, they just keep adding new people to the list or their own personal phone book.

   There are two truly distinct operating modes for the Moon in Cancer person. Either they make absolutely no damn sense OR they are totally overwhelming when laying ideals, or emotions on you. There is nothing in between to base reality on, but you are free to give it a try.

   All signs have the ability to abuse things, and in the Moon in Cancer's case it is any form of dairy product, primarily CHEESE! They absolutely love anything that will carbohydrate themselves into a false sense of security. "If you don't love me, I know a hunk of cheese that will appreciate me!", says the insecure and oversensitive Moon in Cancer! When they are emotionally unhappy, this is the first line of defense for improving self worth and confidence. Be careful what goes into your tummy when you are unhappy Cancer natives, as food can provide pleasure or extreme discomfort when feeling low.

   When you marry or court this Moon in Cancer native, expect to have the phone line embedded somewhere in their body which is directly attached to a receiver on their mothers person somewhere.

   If you want to have a great time with a Moon in Cancer native, just think something hurtful about them without actually verbally doing so, and they are good for a sulk until the cows come home. They can sense you've said something, but can't prove it. Sit back and watch the Paranoia set in, and expect lots of brooding, because that is their second most positive attribute. Hey, you have to give Moon in Cancer natives a little slack however, because they are tuned in psychically to all the space garbage that is in the air every moment of the day. After awhile, you'd be a bit buggy too!

Mercury in Scorpio:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   Here is the original two edged sword looking for the chopping block. These people are so secretive, that they don't even talk to themselves, but Scorpio natives are perceptive of others and know just when other people are vulnerable so they can swoop down and pounce on them.

   Here is another one of those signs that is overcritical of everyone but themselves, the self appointed judge and jury. They should have be policemen, spies, or detectives, peering into everyone's secret lives like a common criminal.

   Love that is mysterious, behind the scenes and down and dirty, that's Mercury in Scorpio. Sounds like love making with 007, with the same air of danger connected with it. Come to think love making while being attacked would be perfect for them. They can probably be found in dark alleys picking up stray cats doing unspeakable things just for the intrigue.

   These must have been the original streakers, who ran nude across the campus. Anything bizarre or perverse is fine for them. They should avoid using the concept of running through the streets nude as a tool for sex, because it won't work. Okay, it might!

   This kind of person is the movie director who invites you up to his office to audition for him. "Sit on my couch my dear, let's see what develops".

Venus in Sagittarius:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   Venus in Sagittarius are demonstrative and friendly in their affections. They will actually introduce themselves before trying to take you to bed. A formality, its true but nevertheless a nice touch.

   Since these people make great gamblers, you can expect to be seduced on a gaming table while, I might add, there is money riding on a number. Ah!, the fine art of romance and adventure.

   These are the people who go skydiving nude while making love or on the other hand, you may get a sermon instead. That is the other side of this coin. A nice middle of the road approach might be making love while preaching. Where is Jim Bakker when you need him? He is a perfect example of this principle. He supposedly (gotta give him the benefit of the doubt) screwed the world while preaching at the same time.
Mars in Taurus:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

  This is the placement of the person who will do anything for money. I would never suggest that this person would prostitute themselves for money! Well, alright I would! A word of advice, a person with this placement is as possessive as a gorilla with a banana and just as resentful and jealous if you get it away from them.

  A Taurus in heat has all the grace of a Brahma bull trying to freight train a Rodeo Clown, and with just about the same results. There they are, lying flat and looking straight up with no idea who, or what you are, much less where!

  You can tell a sexually frustrated Taurus very easily. You will find them in the kitchen cooking, . . . . EVERYTHING! When this sign releases their love making passion, the results are similar to having a building drop on you, a very large building. This is to say that when they give themselves, they give themselves completely. Who wants complete, instead save some for a rainy day!

  If this native knows they can get a great deal by doing a slightly naughty favor, expect a fantastic reaction to your proposition. Just make sure that you understand who owns what in the long run.