The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Magic Johnson
August 14, 1959
3:31 AM
Lansing, MI

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     20 Leo 49
                 Moon    25 Sag 57
                 Mercury  7 Leo 49
                 Venus   15 Vir 54
                 Mars    15 Vir 34

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 08:31:00   Time Zone: 5 hours West

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Sun in Leo:

Leo: Key Words: How great thou Art! What more needs to be said?

  "I did it for you, what do you mean you won't do it for me?", says the unappreciated Leo. That sums up the main characteristics of the Leo native, except they need to communicate without the use of a sledge hammer to bring their point across.

   Positive attributes for Leo natives is that they don't carry grudges in any situation, it is too much of an effort, instead Leo's carry coolers full of party favors around with them at all times, just in case an opportunity for fun and amusement comes up, and oh yes, Leo's talk very loud. Leos hate to compete, mainly because they are having too good a time and prefer doing nothing. It's an automatic "You win, let's party" situation.

   Leo's will spend every dime they have and some they don't have (on the old credit cards) to make an impression on this weeks love God or Goddess. In some instances (more than not) the Leo's search for romance and conquering proves very expensive, and very unsatisfying, if at takes place at all! The Leo male will find it amazing that they bring candy, flowers and all the niceties on a date or other informal setting and don't score, or their expectations are shot down, and then the same object of this Leo's affections will go out with the first person who mistreats them (figuratively) and maul them like a tigress making love for the very first time. It just baffles the Leo mind, but still he/she never gives up the pursuit of whatever they are pursuing?

   Typical male or female Leo careers can be found in Publishing or TV productions (you know the one, come on up to my office and read a script for me) and writing plays or movies.

   Marriage for the Leo male or female is like playing Russian Roulette with a slight twist. In this case, all the chambers have a bullet.

Moon in Sagittarius:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   The man who invented the movie "born free" had to have his Moon in Sagittarius. These people are born with driving gloves embedded in their skin, and in this way they don't have to waste time when going for drive, after drive, after drive, trying to find them.

   Loving support is given to others by Moon in Sagittarius people by beating them over the head to listen to what they have to say, or embedding this weeks truth into the minds of the unsuspecting. People emerging from this feel like they have been run over by a bulldozer. Lighten up!

   Moon in Sagittarius people are the original inventors of the gaming wheel, and you will often find these natives at Atlantic City, or Las Vegas, trying to beat the odds, and some may very well just do that.

   One of my personal favorite associations for the Moon in Sagittarius (which I can both relate and admit to) is having lots and lots of acquaintances, but very few close friends.

   Most people have hobbies that include cooking or sewing. Instead, Moon in Sagittarius people enjoy fantasies with hundreds of naked maidens or their male counterparts, all cooking and sewing.

   Moon in Sagittarius natives are always happy and cheerful, and should there come a time when they become disgruntled in their present relationships they try to stay in good shape emotionally, even though they are moving out on you. " Hi Ho, Hi Ho, its off to another place I go" (The Moon in Sagittarius theme song)

   The unhappy Moon in Sagittarius native can suffer some problems with the hips or sciatic nerves can act up.

Mercury in Leo:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

  These people have the ability to write and talk to other people who aren't there, and this is the person who can play act a part with or without a partner. "Oh to be me, for all the world to see!"

  Remember in the Wizard of Oz and the Tin Man who wanted a brain? Enough said! They must learn to exercise their mind some, in other words start using it.

  These natives are the authors of the unabridged version of:" My mouth is open. I will utter something, and you will admire and adore me". Mercury in Leo people can be best described as "The Phony, trying to push Bologna!"

  For Mercury in Leo people, love takes place in the mind, but falls short in the physical, leaving you exhausted and frustrated. In their mind however, they  had a great time and feel that their partner should say it was great as well. After all, she/he was there too! Or were they?

  A story is just a story, but with a little exaggeration mixed with a little accentuation and a whole lot of imagination, and it is not a story anymore. It becomes an event, an adventure, a metaphor of meadow muffins, and a downright hilarious one at that!  I should know for it is I, the author of this satirical interpretation who has spent long hours putting together this mindless piece of artwork. I am a gosh darned one man show, with the applauds, the thank you's, and the endless speeches with no one else around. I think it makes for fun reading though, don't you? Well, what do you know anyway? On with the show!

Venus in Virgo:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   A satisfactory relationship for this person consists of a can of bug spray squirted in the face of the loved one. If they make it through the Emergency Room then love stands a good chance of surviving. Living in a very sterile world is their forte, and females would make great housewives as long as you have them wired correctly, check the programming often, and keep a broom, mop, or kitchen utensil in their hand. All other elements of existence are void, non-existent, and especially not covered by manufacturers warranty.

   To Venus in Virgo natives lovemaking is about as interesting as a priest at a peep show. Well, most of them anyway. They will probably be a lot of fun during sex, if they ever get out of the twilight zone! Planning sex for them is the same as planning strategy in a football game, if all of the players are not in the right position, there won't be any touchdown.

  How do you actually spot this Vixen of Virtue? She is very easy to find. She has dinner on the table, greets you at the door only because you have dirty shoes, and says "kiss kiss, hug, hug" (words only, there is no visible physical contact involved). Making love to this person is as mechanical as fixing your car.

  Romance for them is to hang out at a monastery, and look for rejects.  A note of caution: Never, ever walk in on this placement while they are on the thrown, this is where they spend most of their recreational time and they are very guarded about their privacy.

  A romantic evening for Venus in Virgo would be to put a dinner plate on the table for their favorite animal, as it asks for nothing and give so much. Venus in Virgo people really get off on this.

  Never, under any circumstances, allow anyone with this placement to go into the bathroom to change into something more comfortable because you will never, ever see them again.

  Real romance for Venus in Virgo is found in men who are married, terminal patients, or totally disabled.

  Yes, people do have to get undressed to have sex, Venus in Virgo. I didn't invent it, it's just one of those things that you have to do. It's a whole concept.

Mars in Virgo:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

   To them, love making is much too messy, so why do it! Here is the lover who will bitch and moan about the quality of a condom. Details, details, details. Expect a complete internal and external examination before, during and after the actual act, which may be viewed as very messy, time consuming, and unnecessary.

   Hot Lips Hoolahan on Dramamine is how to define Mars in Virgo. Lovemaking is like lancing a boil to them, sterile and unfulfilling.

   Now here is a personal word of advice. If this person feels that they are doing all the work putting this evening of magic together, expect to hear about it, and hear about it, and hear about it. So, to make things short, make sure to hold up your end of it, which ever end that turns out to be.

  These people are the originators of everything must be on time, so don't be late, or early, or anywhere in between. Love making for them is a party of one, usually themselves, because they love to touch themselves, they just can't keep their hands off!

  Never, ever, ever give this person alcohol to get them into a romantic mood, all you get is the mouth of a sharp knife, . . . . sharpened!

  Yes, people do have to get undressed to have sex. I didn't invent it, it's just one of those things that you have to do. It's a whole concept.