The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

David Beckham
May 2, 1975
12:00 PM
Leytonstone, England

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     11 Tau 28
                 Moon     3 Aqu 16
                 Mercury 26 Tau 21
                 Venus   21 Gem 38
                 Mars    15 Pis 45

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 12:00:00   Time Zone: 0 hours West

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Sun in Taurus:

   Taurus- Key Words: The Bull in the china shop.

   Taurus natives are stubborn about everything, and there is no particular reason why, probably because Taureans feel insecure in some way. In being stubborn, Taureans feel they won't miss out on anything until they have mulled it into mildew. Hey, who wants to miss out on a good thing? If you want to have a good time with a Taurean native, give them the impossible to do with a restricted time frame to do it in, and watch them burn out a fuse trying to do it anyway. Make sure to have lots of video tape ready to capture the determination, and the horror! This will not be a pretty sight.

  For the greatest Taurean attributes look under N for No Nerves (as they are quite jittery), and have absolutely No sense of humor. A person can't laugh with a stick up their butt, it ruins the concentration!

  If you want to get romantic with a Taurean, take that little love muffin out to the countryside with the horsies and cows and other such charming anomalies of nature for a picnic, and let nature takes its course. The Taurean just loves the country to roam etc., etc., etc. Do I have to draw a picture for you, or maybe you can draw your own?

   The biggest drawback for the Taurean native is what I call the turtle reflex. The turtle reflex, simply put, is waiting for the Taurean person (with the speed of the mud) to make up their mind about anything! It will happen, but not in this lifetime. Never ask a Taurus to make a decision, because you will be too old to care anymore, especially if it involves commitments.

  Once committed to a relationship Taurus people expect any object of their desire to be there forever, whether married or divorced, dead or alive. There is a very jealous and possessive side of Taurus, and what is theirs shall remain theirs, from this day forth, and death is a poor excuse for being unfaithful to them! Taureans have been known to go out on midnight spy runs to keep tabs on their love interests. Ah, love sweet love, with the shackles that say "I love you, FOREVER!"

  Taureans should choose a mate who likes variety in lovemaking, like say, swinging from a chandelier, or doing the unspeakable underwater. So speak a little, speak a little! Once you pry the inner carefree nature out of that reserved exterior, watch out, for once Taureans have you in their grip, you stand a better chance getting out of an impossible wrestling hold, then getting away from a Taurean in love or lust!

  Salesmen hate doing business with the Taurus people, because before a Taurean decides to buy something, no matter what it is, it will be out of date, has gone bad, or the salesman has retired.

  To instill panic in Taureans, just tell them big changes are coming into their lives, and they will crack like old plaster, OR, just for the fun of it, assign him/her the task of a mediator in a dispute, where they must choose sides. With Taurean cat like reflexes and powers of indecision this could go on forever. Make sure someone has a video camera handy to watch Taurus's brains frazzling like bacon trying to compute the finer points of making fair and unbiased decisions.

  Taureans laugh with all of the sinister qualities of "The Shadow" (an old Radio Show). That is because down deep inside there is this very naughty person who in a lot of cases is so reserved, that laughter is the only thing they can let loose without being becoming unglued. Taurus men do not exhibit these qualities however, they just bide their time waiting for a good reason to smile.

  The Taurus's home is their pride and joy, and anyone entering the Taurus domain had better respect that! You may have noticed a few Taurus homes and not known it, as these are the people in the middle of the night in the front yard in full combat gear, ready to defend their homestead to the death.

  Here is a joke that Taurus people won't appreciate but what the heck. Where do you find a Taurus on vacation? The same place they have been going to for the last 25 years, and the neat thing is, even though they may have hated it, they still go back there year, after year, after year. Oh they are such fun munchkins!

  Children find Taurus parents a real pain, because they never give them any privacy, and a Taurean will always go through their children's things looking for god knows what. Taureans feel, if they aren't having any fun, why should their children.

  Don't ever give a Taurean $10 and say there are a dozen people coming over for dinner, prepare a banquet! They will do it, and give you change in return (maybe!).

  Taurus natives don't reveal themselves to others easily either, and a potential mate may have to be eligible for social security before Mr. or Ms. Taurus open up to their feelings.

Moon in Aquarius:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   An erratic and unstable nature exists for the person with the Moon in Aquarius. They are lovingly the eternal fruit loops of the universe, where many original thoughts can emerge if they can sort it out of the constant trash removal service that lives in their minds.

   Cold feelings towards others can exist for the Moon in Aquarius person, because they can't understand their own emotional needs, much less the needs of others, hence they become a truly detached person emotionally. How can you relate to love or closeness to others if you are locked in the eternal darkness of your mind? This is the turmoil for the Moon in Aquarius person.

   Moon in Aquarius's can be very selfish individuals, but they do it in a friendly way. People with their Moon in Aquarius can suffer from Arthritis later in life because they never learned to lighten up!

   Moon in Aquarius people love and need challenges in love, such as crawling through a mine field to get to the center where a hundred naked love Gods or Goddesses are chanting their name in unison. What a rush! Moon in Aquarius people have one very disturbing and annoying habit however, they need to stop talking and making those stupid, forced and rehearsed sounds during sex. I'm willing to bet these are the people who dub those phony sound tracks on XXX videos.

Mercury in Taurus:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   You must talk to, not at this person. By the time these natives take in, assemble, mull around, and decide to do something, the subject is closed, and no one really cares anymore. The stubborn mind just . . . for the heck of it!

   Lovemaking for them is like falling into a hole, they don't know what happened, it was just there, and so it goes. This sign epitomizes how Adam and Eve got into trouble in the first place, making love in the jungle and eating apples off the trees. Make love on a pool table, the surroundings may not be right, but the cloth is soft.

   Here is the person who invented "Have I Got A Deal For You" without a second thought about honesty or integrity. Once you have hard feelings or miscommunications with this person, it will be a cold day in hell before they talk to you again, for they are the greatest sulkers in the universe.

   Mercury in Taurus' ability to make decisions is so slow, that if you take this person to the horse races (never happen) to bet on a horse, by the time they make up their mind, all of the races will be over, the horses would be watered, fed, bred and put to sleep and the jockeys would be over in the local pub, drunk!  On the other hand, they have such great powers of concentration, that you could drop a torpedo down their shorts, and it wouldn't phase them in the slightest.

   You can usually find these people squirreled away in some back room of an accounting firm, or working with money, facts and figures. They take their work so seriously in this arena that they treat this money as if it were their very own, and some day it may very well be.

   If you have to go on a business trip with this person, take them to a much different motel/hotel than they are used to going to. Not only will it totally disorient them, but you may wake up in the middle of the night to find them walking around banging into the walls, all the while crying for that other hotel like a child who lost his teddy bear.

Venus in Gemini:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

  Gemini's go to sporting events just to look over the selection of people available for group activities, after all, variety is the spice of life. . . but so much variety, and all at one time. The next day is an instant replay.

  You may find this vixen in the locker room of any sporting event making friends with everyone, because friendships are very important. "Don't try to pin me down", says Venus in Gemini. They have terminal "I gotta go!" syndrome which never allows them to stay in one place for very long. Freedom for this sign of duality is essential.

  Since this sign spends more time in the mental plane than the emotional one, romance them with is the ever popular dirty joke, as this will stimulate them into submission. Venus in Gemini natives don't like coarse behavior, and whips and chains are out of the question. After all, you can't jump start a dead battery. Okay, to be fair, the fantasy part of it is alright, but getting it down to earth is like resurrecting the dead.

  Getting this woman to say I love you is like prying a banana from a gorilla, doubtful, frustrating, and at times very dangerous.

  Venus in Gemini is where hope meets the dope! The Gemini Cupid may very well shoot himself in the rear end while complaining about the inferior bows and arrows given to work with.

Mars in Pisces:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

   Mars in Pisces is sweet, with all the goodness you could ask for unless you make them mad, they are then into revenge that only The Son of Sam (a fun loving murderer) could satisfy.

   These natives are pretty quiet on the outside but this should be viewed as a warning in itself. Inwardly, the pot and the pressure cooker do boileth.

   They are very sensitive and need someone gentle and tender like underdone meat. A relationship with the Scorpio of the species would be just too much and would smoke the tires off their mainframe. A much lighter touch does the trick here and if you happen to be sacrificing yourself at the same time, that's okay too!

   For Mars in Pisces love takes place in the Masochistic state, half bondage, and half "Yes Master, Yes Master". Traditionally Mars in Pisces is said to be the prostitutes of the Zodiac, but it's not so . . ., you are just a little loose in the caboose!

  Mars in Pisces people have the ability to have sex at or during a psychic fair or sťance, feeling it was a great spiritual experience.