The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Christopher M Knight
November 9, 1969
12:00 PM
Green Bay, Wisconsin

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     17 Sco 10
                 Moon    14 Sco 53
                 Mercury 13 Sco 13
                 Venus   28 Lib 49
                 Mars     3 Aqu 34

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 18:00:00   Time Zone: 6 hours West

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Sun in Scorpio:

Scorpio - Key words: Great first impressions & The Masters of Deception

   Like the eternal child who says "Mine. . ., Mine .. ., Mine . . .," you better believe what belongs to the Scorpio native, is indeed theirs. Be careful when visiting the Scorpio home unannounced, because you may find yourself in the middle of an active mine field because they have decided "I want to be alone!"

   Scorpio women are only happy when they get their little faces involved ever so innocently in other people's lives, trying to belong (so they say), taking over completely. Beware key phrases like "What do you think about. . ." or "Would it be possible to. . .". These are loaded opening statements that sound innocent, but are actually carefully thought out ploys at taking over someone's life. In all fairness, they are dedicated, hard working and conscientious, and because of this, they will eventually own the world, or their fair share of it. Give up and give in gracefully, or don't let them into your life at all.

   The mothering instincts of the Scorpio woman are so strong, that even if they have raised Son of Sam (A fun kind of guy who liked to murder people), they will defend them to the hilt, while physically or verbally thrashing you in the process.

   Scorpios searching for the power that rules can be compared to firing a gun inside a tank. No matter where you hide, chances are you are going to get hit by a flying bullet. Now to further clarify, the Scorpio fired the gun, and is the only one in the tank. They have the same chance of obtaining the power they so desperately seek, no matter what means they employ.

   Typical Scorpio men can be so secretive, that most of the time they don't even tell themselves what is going on!

   Check a Scorpios hand when they "give" something to you. Chances are, there is a string directly attached to the item in question, and when you are not looking, they simply reel it back in.

   Scorpios have the same self control of Charles Manson and while you are out on a date, expect to get into a dispute that can end up in legal proceedings. A typical Scorpio would look at the whole incident as a barely passable date, except the performance level was a bit under par.

   The word scruples and Scorpio are not found in the same dictionary, corner of the globe, or same hemisphere. Scorpio natives will do absolutely anything to get what they want. Scorpio's have the finesse of a hit man (and some of them are), and they have the same ability to forgive as well.

   The female of the species make excellent lovers, and burn at a very high passionate intensity. Before attempting to engage this hot-blooded creature, make sure you are wearing your fireproof underwear. You might want to re-evaluate your own understanding of love making, as Scorpio women can hand you the reins, and expect to be whipped by them just to get them mildly interested.

   Scorpios make great hit and run journalists, hit and run drivers, blackmailers, terrorists and madmen. These of course are the good qualities.

Moon in Scorpio:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   If you are not going to kill a bull at the bull fight, don't just wound it and let it go, because you are only gonna get it mad. This is the emotional capacity for Moon in Scorpio natives.

   Here is judgment waiting for the axe to fall, whether right, wrong or indifferent. Moon in Scorpio people are prone to very deep feelings, but for what is anybody's guess.

   The epitome of fighting to the death for what they want belongs to the Moon in Scorpio native, only to find out they really didn't want it in the first place, only now it may be too late to change it, or do anything about it.

   Moon in Scorpio people have an uncanny knack for knowing when someone is cheating on them, and will show up at the motel etc., to find you, tell you, or castrate you. All of the above may apply, and I might add, at the same time.

   Moon in Scorpio people need to find someone who is less paranoid than themselves to take care of, so they can bounce around from place to place without somewhere to land.

   Love making for Moon in Scorpio people is a religious experience, and if it doesn't work out, then revenge for them is the only alternative that seems to be fair! Moon in Scorpio people would never hold a grudge though, a gun, knife, baseball bat, sharp object, or blunt instrument yes, but never a grudge!

   Health matters for the Moon in Scorpio especially when unhappy is problems with the sexual organs, accident prone behavior, headaches to themselves, and causing headaches to others, especially causing headaches to others.

Mercury in Scorpio:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   Here is the original two edged sword looking for the chopping block. These people are so secretive, that they don't even talk to themselves, but Scorpio natives are perceptive of others and know just when other people are vulnerable so they can swoop down and pounce on them.

   Here is another one of those signs that is overcritical of everyone but themselves, the self appointed judge and jury. They should have be policemen, spies, or detectives, peering into everyone's secret lives like a common criminal.

   Love that is mysterious, behind the scenes and down and dirty, that's Mercury in Scorpio. Sounds like love making with 007, with the same air of danger connected with it. Come to think love making while being attacked would be perfect for them. They can probably be found in dark alleys picking up stray cats doing unspeakable things just for the intrigue.

   These must have been the original streakers, who ran nude across the campus. Anything bizarre or perverse is fine for them. They should avoid using the concept of running through the streets nude as a tool for sex, because it won't work. Okay, it might!

   This kind of person is the movie director who invites you up to his office to audition for him. "Sit on my couch my dear, let's see what develops".

Venus in Libra:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

  Never come home and say to this person, "Gee, the house looks great!, but you look a bit frumpy!". This will start Niagara Falls flowing.

  Expect to find the Venus in Libra home rearranged. . . . often!

  They have a talent for nastiness, and can swear so fluently that it frightens everyone. To be fair, there are those who hate coarse behavior. In this instance, body slamming isn't a turn on, and a gentler approach should be sought. Try dipping them in chocolate and let nature take its course. This sign must be careful with chocolates, sweets and excessive sex, as it weakens the kidneys. More water must be ingested to keep them in tip top shape.

  Harmony in courtship and marriage is extremely important to the Venus in Libra. Remember you can't seduce them with heavy rock music playing in the background because you may wind up with a very nervous lover.

  These people look for relationships that are bonded, like cement, and impossible to get out of unless you disrupt the aura around them (sorry, didn't mean to get esoteric).

  Venus in Libra is another air sign which means that you have to go to the cloud they live on to communicate. Just be careful where you step though, it is a long way down. They need mental stimulation so try saying "I love you" in many different voices until you find one that strikes their fancy. Dirty movies live in the realm of mental stimulation, so try a Dirty Harry movie or some pornographic facsimile.

  Venus in Libra people may be attracted to older lovers at some point, especially if they have money. They love money as it represents security, and if your intended is much older, then they won't have to wait long to inherit. It's boorish, cruel and the truth. On the other hand, you can be attracted to VERY young ones as well. Here is where the phrase "robbing" the baby carriage came from.

  These people have a great sense of hearing. You must be careful when you talk about them because they invented the saying "The Walls Have Ears".

Mars in Aquarius:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

   With Mars in Aquarius there are many sides to love making. Foreplay for these people would be going out to the ball field, bringing everyone home and have sex with them and making them leave.

   Mars in Aquarius people make love in the cerebral arena. They have the ability to make OOH and AHH sounds during sex without anyone actually having to be there. You can usually find this placement working in a lab or working on a new way to experiment with, but not actually using the actual sexual act. Expect to find all kinds of toys in bed with them when making love. "Please leave the bed as you found it, I have another group coming in an hour.", is the battle cry of Mars in Aquarius.

   Here is the independent and unorthodox sex nature, for anything and everything goes, and usually does with this position of Mars. They take teamwork to an all time high, and the whole team may be in there working and breathing heavily together. Let Mars in Aquarius take the lead as they do not respond well to direction or authority. Cue cards are optional so that the appropriate reactions can be interjected at just the right moment for optimum excitement.

   Should you give sexual advice to an Aquarian, expect them to ignore it and continue in any area that suits them. Why? They have to learn by their own mistakes, but then again, they don't make mistakes, do they?