The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Christopher G Knight
December 1, 1972
12:00 PM
Taunton, England

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun      9 Sag 24
                 Moon    22 Lib 10
                 Mercury 27 Sco 52
                 Venus    8 Sco 34
                 Mars    10 Sco 21

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 12:00:00   Time Zone: 0 hours West

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Sun in Sagittarius:

Sagittarius - Key words: Born Free, and intends to remain that way

   Look fast and you may see a Sagittarian comin' round the bend, but when you look again, they are gone. This is the essence of the typical Sagittarian. Don't plan a 13 course meal for your Sagittarius as they are only 1 or 2 course people, and when it's time to move on, it is always at a moments notice. Sagittarians lovemaking partner should be someone who doesn't take the entire process too seriously, so Mr. Sagittarius can put on his pirate outfit and jump from ship to ship yelling Aye, Matey. What the heck, make it an adventure where the audience can join in and revel at the moment.

   Everyone knows when a Sagittarius is around or at least in the room, they are usually drunk and acting very badly before, during or after everyone else has gone home.

   The greatest Sagittarian attributes are speed of all sorts, fast and dangerous driving, and new girlfriends. A drive in the country is a farce for Sagittarians, as they go driving so people can see and admire them, and not the other way around.

   On the job you can always tell the Sagittarians, they are the ones walking out rather than getting fired, and in business Sagittarians are very successful (as a rule) because their ego would not allow any less.

   For the typical Sagittarian, casual love making is a good night out, or a night on the town. While they are out on the prowl for whatever their pleasure, the lower the life form they encounter the better is a general rule to follow. Sagittarians would make great cowboys, wanderers, street people or gamblers.

   If you are a woman wooing this Sagittarian, a few words of advice, give them lots of room and freedom, and then let them go. You may never see this Sagittarian again, but let them go and see what drifts back in on the tide.

   Be forewarned that Sagittarians by nature are slobs in the bathroom, and it would be better for Sagittarians in general to marry a Virgo, who enjoys spending time in the bathroom and would have it disinfected before they got out the door.

   Now when it comes to mother in laws Sagittarius, they take their lives in their hands when they come over to your home, because Sagittarians don't take garbage from anyone. A good social evening with your in-laws Sagittarius would be putting them in a corner and telling them to stay!

   One of Sagittarius's greatest attributes is divorce, and anything can start the famous saying rolling off their lips "I Want A Divorce". Good times or bad, any season, event, day of the week or minute of the day is the right time, and the prime time for parting of the old, and starting with someone new.

   A Sagittarian women communicating to the world is like Tarzan jumping out of a tree, as they have the same impact. They are loud, argumentative, and have the grace of a Hippo stepping on a cantaloupe.

   Since the female Sagittarius is so adept at doing two things at once, she may resemble a robot, with the top part of her body doing one thing, while the lower half from the hips down is doing something else.

   You can always tell a Sagittarian woman at a party, they are the first ones to take their clothes off, and Sagittarian women can actually scare the hell out of men in the art of making love. Sagittarians can get carried so far away with lovemaking that the male of the species would swear they are on the alps as they open their mouth to yodel.

   What are the Sagittarian woman's needs in a man? That's easy, there are only two specifications: Strong, or Stupid.

Moon in Libra:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

  Home ties can be very important to the Moon in Libra native. Just because they don't live with their parents, doesn't mean they don't have a 200 mile phone line attached to their umbilical cord, with an automatic dialer for times of real emotional crisis.

  "I would kill for peace and quiet!", says the Moon in Libra native to their family as they assure you how non-violent they are.

  The Emotional neutral Zone belongs to the Moon in Libra native, and you will find they especially love to rearrange and beautify things. Moon in Libra natives are those types of people who, when their spouse or partner goes to work, rearrange the furniture, and when their loved ones get home, they damn near kill themselves falling over the couch that used to be the bed.

  Moon in Libra people are so sensitive to their surroundings and need for harmony, that a good fight can keep them hovering around the toilet bowl and throwing up, for hours.

  You might be able to tell a Moon in Libra person who is emotionally unhappy by the gallons of water they drink to keep their kidneys in good working order, as that is their weak point.

  Moon in Libra natives are so emotionally insecure, that if by the second date you are not discussing marriage, you will be replaced by someone who is. As they get older, they usually get a grip on this tendency, by about the 5th or 6th marriage.

Mercury in Scorpio:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   Here is the original two edged sword looking for the chopping block. These people are so secretive, that they don't even talk to themselves, but Scorpio natives are perceptive of others and know just when other people are vulnerable so they can swoop down and pounce on them.

   Here is another one of those signs that is overcritical of everyone but themselves, the self appointed judge and jury. They should have be policemen, spies, or detectives, peering into everyone's secret lives like a common criminal.

   Love that is mysterious, behind the scenes and down and dirty, that's Mercury in Scorpio. Sounds like love making with 007, with the same air of danger connected with it. Come to think love making while being attacked would be perfect for them. They can probably be found in dark alleys picking up stray cats doing unspeakable things just for the intrigue.

   These must have been the original streakers, who ran nude across the campus. Anything bizarre or perverse is fine for them. They should avoid using the concept of running through the streets nude as a tool for sex, because it won't work. Okay, it might!

   This kind of person is the movie director who invites you up to his office to audition for him. "Sit on my couch my dear, let's see what develops".

Venus in Scorpio:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

  Venus in Scorpios idea of foreplay is ripping up the flowers, throwing the food at you, strangling the Cherubs, and thrusting themselves on you.

  This sign has all of the romantic sensitivity of a line foreman on the 68th floor of a skyscraper, and all of the compassion of a dentist with hydraulic tools who is just going to do a cleaning, scraping, polishing, filling and extraction, all within one visit. They have the sensitivity of a linebacker with jock itch. Sorry folks, it just leaped out of my brain and onto this paper. I won't say forgive me (I'd be killed for being mortal) instead I'll just say "SUFFER!"

   Expect to be romancing an animal in heat when being intimate with Venus in Scorpio. To say this person is selfish in lovemaking is to also say that Hitler was an overmotivated and overachieving alter boy.

   This person can make passionate and sometimes painful love to you, and then punish you for not being able to take it. Anyone for whips and chains?

   In lovemaking there is all the sensitivity and compassion of a tornado going through a trailer park. It can split you apart at the seams and scatter you for miles. You had better find a concrete basement to hide in until she blows over. Sorry, poor choice of words.

Mars in Scorpio:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

   These people have all the wisdom and smarts of a person standing in the middle of a field holding a piece of metal during an electrical storm yelling "Hey sailor, want to fool around?" Making love with a Scorpio can mean a literal "fight to the death" which only heightens the excitement. Mars in Scorpio can be equated to making love with a hand grenade.  Mars in Scorpio natives are in total control during sex, with whips, chains or Elizabethan implements, such as the rack, screws, head clamps, stirrups, and assorted surgical gear.

   Romantic involvements with this person can be compared to the first person to offer meat to a famished lion, they thank you as they take your arm off with the meat. You will usually find the female of the species in the men's room at the local dance club (by accident of course) looking for action, or in the locker room at a sports event giving an interview.

   But how do you know this female Mars in Scorpio person by sight? She is very easy to spot. She awaits you at home at the top of the stairs (clothing optional) yelling " I love you" as she impales herself down the stairs on top of you while envisioning herself saving you from cannibals. You are so taken by this selfless act of heroism that you vow to love her and only her all day, every day, and in every way imaginable. That's what she wanted in the first place. It was just a little overstated and long winded by a Mercury in Leo. (The writer of this silliness!)

   Men with Mars in Scorpio handle this a little differently. You would never suspect them until they were actually laying vertically on top of you. At that point the light bulb would go on!