The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Christopher A Knight
November 7, 1957
12:00 PM
Manhattan, New York

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     15 Sco 02
                 Moon    16 Tau 13
                 Mercury 23 Sco 47
                 Venus    1 Cap 50
                 Mars    29 Lib 13

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 17:00:00   Time Zone: 5 hours West

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Sun in Scorpio:

Scorpio - Key words: Great first impressions & The Masters of Deception

   Like the eternal child who says "Mine. . ., Mine .. ., Mine . . .," you better believe what belongs to the Scorpio native, is indeed theirs. Be careful when visiting the Scorpio home unannounced, because you may find yourself in the middle of an active mine field because they have decided "I want to be alone!"

   Scorpio women are only happy when they get their little faces involved ever so innocently in other people's lives, trying to belong (so they say), taking over completely. Beware key phrases like "What do you think about. . ." or "Would it be possible to. . .". These are loaded opening statements that sound innocent, but are actually carefully thought out ploys at taking over someone's life. In all fairness, they are dedicated, hard working and conscientious, and because of this, they will eventually own the world, or their fair share of it. Give up and give in gracefully, or don't let them into your life at all.

   The mothering instincts of the Scorpio woman are so strong, that even if they have raised Son of Sam (A fun kind of guy who liked to murder people), they will defend them to the hilt, while physically or verbally thrashing you in the process.

   Scorpios searching for the power that rules can be compared to firing a gun inside a tank. No matter where you hide, chances are you are going to get hit by a flying bullet. Now to further clarify, the Scorpio fired the gun, and is the only one in the tank. They have the same chance of obtaining the power they so desperately seek, no matter what means they employ.

   Typical Scorpio men can be so secretive, that most of the time they don't even tell themselves what is going on!

   Check a Scorpios hand when they "give" something to you. Chances are, there is a string directly attached to the item in question, and when you are not looking, they simply reel it back in.

   Scorpios have the same self control of Charles Manson and while you are out on a date, expect to get into a dispute that can end up in legal proceedings. A typical Scorpio would look at the whole incident as a barely passable date, except the performance level was a bit under par.

   The word scruples and Scorpio are not found in the same dictionary, corner of the globe, or same hemisphere. Scorpio natives will do absolutely anything to get what they want. Scorpio's have the finesse of a hit man (and some of them are), and they have the same ability to forgive as well.

   The female of the species make excellent lovers, and burn at a very high passionate intensity. Before attempting to engage this hot-blooded creature, make sure you are wearing your fireproof underwear. You might want to re-evaluate your own understanding of love making, as Scorpio women can hand you the reins, and expect to be whipped by them just to get them mildly interested.

   Scorpios make great hit and run journalists, hit and run drivers, blackmailers, terrorists and madmen. These of course are the good qualities.

Moon in Taurus:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   The almighty dollar is their weakness, it makes them strong, needed, and gives them a strong sense of power over others. A real stubbornness exists with people with Moon in Taurus that simply must have the last word in any conversation and, cannot stop or give in to any situation even though they know they are dead wrong . . . . "I know money is what I need, I'm insecure!" says the typical Taurean, "and I hate to charge you anything at all for my services", "But that will be $35. just the same."

   If you want to see a Moon in Taurus native blow a fuse and have an emotional breakdown (which isn't probable under normal circumstances), give them two things to do at the same time and tell them you need them both, yesterday, or see if they can juggle and chew gum at the same time. You'll probably get the reply "Do you want me to chew gum, or juggle, now make up your mind!" Just for a laugh, tell this Moon in Taurus native you are going to make a change in their job description. Lead it off with "To Include: In addition to your present job, the list that follows:" Ah, the panic in their minds as gears change, brain cells snap, the eyes go buggy and around in circles, and "terror" rattles the nervous system, then, the inevitable cigarette goes into the mouth, like a pacifier.

   The Moon in Taurus's emotions tend to be steady, just like making bank deposits week after week, after week, easy does it! Yes, we are secure now, and we're feeling much better, thank you! You can always tell an emotionally unhappy Moon in Taurus person because they always wind up with sore throats or problems with the throat, or have their heads buried in the cookie jar and any form of sweets.

   The typical Moon in Taurus native is very practical, and uses instinct in emotional situations. This means, that if it feels good, and they can profit by it, they'll do it, no matter what the task!

   Moon in Taurus natives never rush into love, for love to them is like moldy cheese in the refrigerator, just waiting to be thrown out because they just never got around to it. At that very moment, they take notice of it. Courtships are not the Moon in Taurus's style, because to them, it is just a bunch of Indians running around in circles. After awhile, they forget who is who and why. Moon in Taurus natives don't commit easily, and when they do, they should be committed, literally. In other words, some people find commitments give strength to relationships, but Moon in Taurus people see it as a sign of ownership.

Mercury in Scorpio:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   Here is the original two edged sword looking for the chopping block. These people are so secretive, that they don't even talk to themselves, but Scorpio natives are perceptive of others and know just when other people are vulnerable so they can swoop down and pounce on them.

   Here is another one of those signs that is overcritical of everyone but themselves, the self appointed judge and jury. They should have be policemen, spies, or detectives, peering into everyone's secret lives like a common criminal.

   Love that is mysterious, behind the scenes and down and dirty, that's Mercury in Scorpio. Sounds like love making with 007, with the same air of danger connected with it. Come to think love making while being attacked would be perfect for them. They can probably be found in dark alleys picking up stray cats doing unspeakable things just for the intrigue.

   These must have been the original streakers, who ran nude across the campus. Anything bizarre or perverse is fine for them. They should avoid using the concept of running through the streets nude as a tool for sex, because it won't work. Okay, it might!

   This kind of person is the movie director who invites you up to his office to audition for him. "Sit on my couch my dear, let's see what develops".

Venus in Capricorn:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   When this person appears at your door with a new dishwasher, expect them to be interested in you romantically. The problem is, they won't be interested in anything else, and you'll only confuse them if you ask them to explain how that new gift works.

   Romancing a Capricorn is like trying to push a pea through the eye of a needle. Even if you succeed you wind up with a hell of a mess.

   Capricorns engaged in romance are easy to spot. Picture a beached whale listening to lectures by the masters, like Hitler or Napoleon.

   Public displays of affection or emotion will turn these natives into wrecks, as they have no response to that kind of stimuli at all. They are the "all purpose" driving vehicle of romance, safe to drive and economical, but uncomfortable as hell.

Mars in Libra:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

  Rulership is mine says this placement of Mars. You need a partner who is open to love making adventures, like diving off a cliff or having sex in the path of an approaching speedboat. This is true excitement!

  At other times they are so considerate of their romantic partner, that they will sit down with them and fill out a questionnaire of likes and dislikes, turn ons and turnoffs, times, dates and places. How sweet and considerate, and a true description of Mars in Libra.

  These people must have their own way with this position of Libra. They swing like the scales, an easy going pain in the neck. They can be kind and gentile, or drive you off the road in their car. If this person would ever learn that anger isn't the answer and adopt an attitude of waiting, the desired outcome will come to pass, but no, they've got to take matters into their own hands screwing up the works. Well, see if I care then!

  Oddly enough, a lousy marriage is like spiritual awareness in the final examination of things for these natives. They are very intuitive people and must learn to be aggressive and humble equally. In other words learn when to act and when to shut up!

  This placement has all the intimacy of two people running towards each other without their feet ever touching the ground. Think about it, it will come to you. Here is the person who is able to make love to an illusion, or some reasonable facsimile.

  They have a talent for nastiness, and can swear so fluently that is frightens everyone.