The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Cole Porter
June 9, 1891
12:00 PM
Peru, Indiana

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     18 Gem 34
                 Moon    25 Can 23
                 Mercury 25 Tau 12
                 Venus   21 Tau 44
                 Mars     4 Can 00

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 18:00:00   Time Zone: 6 hours West

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Sun in Gemini:

Gemini - Key Words: The Sinister and the Minister

  "The flake on a mission, or the flake without a mission. Who is to say?" Gemini's are just their own kind of person. Now what is wrong with that I ask you? Gemini's may find their mark in life with the help of a seeing eye dog, then shoot the dog for knowing more than them.

   You can always tell a bored Gemini by the disgusted look on their face while making love the same way, over and over again. The "recreational love making sign" is what we call Gemini natives, because they treat making love like a vacation. Why go away from home Gemini, when you can have it your way, any day? Love making is not enough by themselves, they must do it with their friends. That is to say he or she must be a friend to the Gemini. Yeah, that's it!

   To say that Gemini natives are nervous is an understatement, as they must be busy doing at least 7 things all at the same time. They need that pressure and stress to keep them going, its like being high on Helium, ALL THE TIME!

   The lungs and arms are the weakest bodily parts here, it's because of all of that blasted gesturing that they do as if they were bringing planes in for a landing on an aircraft carrier. Gemini people should get lots of sleep to heal that paranoid, weird and nervous behavior that is likely to arise without warning, scaring people to death! Gemini is the jokester who leaves humorous messages on your answering machine, never letting you know who it was that called in the first place.

   The typical Gemini's mouth is like a "chattering teeth toy", you know what I mean, the teeth you wind up and put on the table and it goes on and on and on. There should be a subtitle on the side of the box of this toy that says "These used to belong to a Gemini". Gemini's have the capability of verbally cutting anything in front of their mouth like a knife through butter, with the same ease. No matter who they are, or how big the competition is! Sometimes they can get carried away a wee bit much though, but are they ever full of remorse afterwards? Never! As a matter of fact they find a good verbal thrashing much more satisfying than sex.

   When Gemini people apply for a job, their job application may read like the Queen of England has applied in person, or perhaps the President of the US, with the possibility that everything on it (including their name) may be little white lies, or classic WHOPPERS. Gemini people are somewhat dishonest (at times) and a whole lot promiscuous (especially you ladies), and because of the duality of this sign, they can expect to be married more than once, spiritually or physically.

   To say Gemini's are reluctant to grow up is really understated, because Gemini's have no intention of doing so. They are perfect just as they are, so why try to improve on perfection?

   Gemini's can express love all day long, but it tends to be all in the head box, and not in the gear box. Gemini's can conceptualize love to the end of time, but putting it into practical form just ain't gonna happen. Why? Mainly because Gemini's are one of the mental signs of the zodiac and do not have the full emotional capacity of say an emotional sign like Cancer, Scorpio or Pisces. Besides, if Gemini doesn't like the atmosphere around them or the person, they just change the scenery, mentally!

   Gemini is another sign that also loves to rearrange furniture, so be careful when you come home late at night and jump into bed in this house, you might be in for an awful surprise. At the same time you may come home to the Gemini house and find strange workmen doing all kinds of things, without you even being informed about it, and it doesn't matter if the Gemini native lives there or not!

   Children to Gemini's (after a certain point) take on the characteristics of Yard Apes, or Yard Gorillas. Who are these little people who intrude on precious Gemini time, and NERVES. A Gemini's idea of telling bedtime stories includes the Headless Horseman, Night Stalker, the Texas chain saw Massacre & The Shining. The kind of stories that keep kids from coming back for more, or ever bothering them again!

   Gemini's hobbies are: Secrets, manipulating others, & fantasies of any kind. The Positive traits that Gemini's are known for include: Flirtation, unreliability, no restrictions, & no total commitments. After all, you have to leave some time for the gusto right?

Moon in Cancer:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   Moon in Cancer people are extremely sensitive to their surroundings, and they can cry at the drop of a hat, but they will even cry if you pick up a hat. Their constant need to mother others can make you barf after awhile. Moon in Cancer natives can be very psychic but on a bad day when the wiring gets wet, all they get is static, probably Lawrence Welk or David Bowie doing "ground control to major Tom . . . ."

   Moon in Cancer natives experience tremendous highs and lows in moods and expressing themselves, probably all at the same time. In love making they can express these disturbances through beating up their lovers, and then taking care of them, nursing them back to health. This should serve to balance their warped emotional swings. For these Moon in Cancer people, old relationships never die, they just keep adding new people to the list or their own personal phone book.

   There are two truly distinct operating modes for the Moon in Cancer person. Either they make absolutely no damn sense OR they are totally overwhelming when laying ideals, or emotions on you. There is nothing in between to base reality on, but you are free to give it a try.

   All signs have the ability to abuse things, and in the Moon in Cancer's case it is any form of dairy product, primarily CHEESE! They absolutely love anything that will carbohydrate themselves into a false sense of security. "If you don't love me, I know a hunk of cheese that will appreciate me!", says the insecure and oversensitive Moon in Cancer! When they are emotionally unhappy, this is the first line of defense for improving self worth and confidence. Be careful what goes into your tummy when you are unhappy Cancer natives, as food can provide pleasure or extreme discomfort when feeling low.

   When you marry or court this Moon in Cancer native, expect to have the phone line embedded somewhere in their body which is directly attached to a receiver on their mothers person somewhere.

   If you want to have a great time with a Moon in Cancer native, just think something hurtful about them without actually verbally doing so, and they are good for a sulk until the cows come home. They can sense you've said something, but can't prove it. Sit back and watch the Paranoia set in, and expect lots of brooding, because that is their second most positive attribute. Hey, you have to give Moon in Cancer natives a little slack however, because they are tuned in psychically to all the space garbage that is in the air every moment of the day. After awhile, you'd be a bit buggy too!

Mercury in Taurus:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   You must talk to, not at this person. By the time these natives take in, assemble, mull around, and decide to do something, the subject is closed, and no one really cares anymore. The stubborn mind just . . . for the heck of it!

   Lovemaking for them is like falling into a hole, they don't know what happened, it was just there, and so it goes. This sign epitomizes how Adam and Eve got into trouble in the first place, making love in the jungle and eating apples off the trees. Make love on a pool table, the surroundings may not be right, but the cloth is soft.

   Here is the person who invented "Have I Got A Deal For You" without a second thought about honesty or integrity. Once you have hard feelings or miscommunications with this person, it will be a cold day in hell before they talk to you again, for they are the greatest sulkers in the universe.

   Mercury in Taurus' ability to make decisions is so slow, that if you take this person to the horse races (never happen) to bet on a horse, by the time they make up their mind, all of the races will be over, the horses would be watered, fed, bred and put to sleep and the jockeys would be over in the local pub, drunk!  On the other hand, they have such great powers of concentration, that you could drop a torpedo down their shorts, and it wouldn't phase them in the slightest.

   You can usually find these people squirreled away in some back room of an accounting firm, or working with money, facts and figures. They take their work so seriously in this arena that they treat this money as if it were their very own, and some day it may very well be.

   If you have to go on a business trip with this person, take them to a much different motel/hotel than they are used to going to. Not only will it totally disorient them, but you may wake up in the middle of the night to find them walking around banging into the walls, all the while crying for that other hotel like a child who lost his teddy bear.

Venus in Taurus:

   Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   Kissing a person with this placement has all of the sensitivity of a wet sponge hitting you in the face, again, and again and all of that with no foreplay.

   I am woman hear me roar, is the battle cry of the female Venus in Taurus. Picture a bull getting ready to freight train a man in a funny costume with a cape yelling "come and get me" in Spanish! Ah yes, love sweet love, in its most primitive state, this is the essence of these fun lovers.

   Here is the typical Venus in Taurus explaining what belongs to them "Everything" of course. Implements to have on hand for Venus in Taurus must include the following: Ankle and wrist bracelets, a 24 hr. pocket pager and an interrogation manual. "I will make you over in my image", says the overly possessive Venus in Taurus.

   It would be wise for their partners to own or operate a restaurant offering the finest cuisine or a flower shop with a full stock of long stemmed roses. Have on hand a pre-recorded tape of the endless loop variety that keeps saying "I love you . . . I adore you . . . I love you . . . I adore you. . .", because objects of their love are guaranteed to run out of gas, way before they do! They also have the ability to magnetize and imprison what they want. After all, what is theirs, is theirs!

Mars in Cancer:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

   "Are we going to make love, or are you going to just sit there and cry". This is the plight of the Cancer personality. Maybe they will do both at the same time. There is another possibility as well, since they have such a weak stomach with this placement, they may make love and throw up afterwards which is really great for their partners ego, OR. . . throw up on their partner while making love. Now there is a really disgusting thought!

   These people are very domesticated and can often be found sleeping with the cat. Their rhythm in lovemaking has all of the coordination of the jitterbug, and no one really knows when the big moment will occur, least of all them. Do lovers a favor, warn them that something is coming, but then again so is Christmas.

   When it comes to the rhythm of the moment, you are great at the old one, two, one two. Lovemaking defined with this person is: "Wham, Bam, and thank you".