The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Christina Onassis
December 11, 1950
3:00 PM
New York, New York

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     19 Sag 13
                 Moon    23 Cap 34
                 Mercury  9 Cap 08
                 Venus   26 Sag 01
                 Mars    27 Cap 14

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 20:00:00   Time Zone: 5 hours West

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Sun in Sagittarius:

Sagittarius - Key words: Born Free, and intends to remain that way

   Look fast and you may see a Sagittarian comin' round the bend, but when you look again, they are gone. This is the essence of the typical Sagittarian. Don't plan a 13 course meal for your Sagittarius as they are only 1 or 2 course people, and when it's time to move on, it is always at a moments notice. Sagittarians lovemaking partner should be someone who doesn't take the entire process too seriously, so Mr. Sagittarius can put on his pirate outfit and jump from ship to ship yelling Aye, Matey. What the heck, make it an adventure where the audience can join in and revel at the moment.

   Everyone knows when a Sagittarius is around or at least in the room, they are usually drunk and acting very badly before, during or after everyone else has gone home.

   The greatest Sagittarian attributes are speed of all sorts, fast and dangerous driving, and new girlfriends. A drive in the country is a farce for Sagittarians, as they go driving so people can see and admire them, and not the other way around.

   On the job you can always tell the Sagittarians, they are the ones walking out rather than getting fired, and in business Sagittarians are very successful (as a rule) because their ego would not allow any less.

   For the typical Sagittarian, casual love making is a good night out, or a night on the town. While they are out on the prowl for whatever their pleasure, the lower the life form they encounter the better is a general rule to follow. Sagittarians would make great cowboys, wanderers, street people or gamblers.

   If you are a woman wooing this Sagittarian, a few words of advice, give them lots of room and freedom, and then let them go. You may never see this Sagittarian again, but let them go and see what drifts back in on the tide.

   Be forewarned that Sagittarians by nature are slobs in the bathroom, and it would be better for Sagittarians in general to marry a Virgo, who enjoys spending time in the bathroom and would have it disinfected before they got out the door.

   Now when it comes to mother in laws Sagittarius, they take their lives in their hands when they come over to your home, because Sagittarians don't take garbage from anyone. A good social evening with your in-laws Sagittarius would be putting them in a corner and telling them to stay!

   One of Sagittarius's greatest attributes is divorce, and anything can start the famous saying rolling off their lips "I Want A Divorce". Good times or bad, any season, event, day of the week or minute of the day is the right time, and the prime time for parting of the old, and starting with someone new.

   A Sagittarian women communicating to the world is like Tarzan jumping out of a tree, as they have the same impact. They are loud, argumentative, and have the grace of a Hippo stepping on a cantaloupe.

   Since the female Sagittarius is so adept at doing two things at once, she may resemble a robot, with the top part of her body doing one thing, while the lower half from the hips down is doing something else.

   You can always tell a Sagittarian woman at a party, they are the first ones to take their clothes off, and Sagittarian women can actually scare the hell out of men in the art of making love. Sagittarians can get carried so far away with lovemaking that the male of the species would swear they are on the alps as they open their mouth to yodel.

   What are the Sagittarian woman's needs in a man? That's easy, there are only two specifications: Strong, or Stupid.

Moon in Capricorn:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   Moon in Capricorn natives are not happy campers in general as there is too much of a Hitler complex that needs controlling. Moon in Capricorn people need to add lots of fiber to their diet to avoid constipated feelings, constipated body, and constipated mind. Moon in Capricorn natives often suffer from arthritis or aches and pains in bodily joints or in the structural bones or back as a result of stress.

   The Moon in Capricorn person has all of the spiritual awareness of a stone and I'm not talking about crystals or Stonehenge either. To be fair, in the more evolved Capricorn, we find great teachers and Masters, but the standard everyday variety has their own needs in mind, and they can be extremely selfish, worrying about their own desires, and pretty soon their own needs become their master and their teacher. The Moon in Capricorns radar is always on for the two most important things in their lives, which is power and money and their acquisition makes them happy and secure.

   Moon in Capricorn natives truly believe that all relationships that start out in their teens as difficult, will continue for life much the same way as though they deserve nothing better for themselves. This is their way of convincing themselves they are right when things that inevitably go wrong, go wrong. Last but not least, when you allow a negative thought pattern embedded in your emotions, it will take a very big and brawny man or woman to change your mind.

   Capricorns are loyal beyond the call of duty in relationships, and will stay there even when the last act is over, the fat lady has sung her merry tune, and everyone has long since forgotten the whole incident. They hang on to people, places and things, especially children until they get a cosmic slap in the face to let go, and live their own life.

   These days, dear Capricorn native, the only safe lover is one that sleeps all the time. That's one way to keep them loyal now isn't it Moon in Capricorn?

   The Moon in Capricorn natives need a lover who will gently beat them beside the head with any object that is handy to get them to be noticed. Once they find this person, Moon in Capricorn natives know they are somewhat sincere. Group love making for these natives is standing in the corner contemplating their navel. Moon in Capricorn people are the types that feel a gift is just as good as making love. " Here is a dollar for your troubles my dear, or how about something practical like a toaster oven.", says the person with Moon in Capricorn.

Mercury in Capricorn:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

  Here is the computer memory that pays attention to all details, even though they do not know how to operate a computer. This is the person you need to see to all of those fine finishing points in projects. For goodness sakes, learn how to laugh, and get a sense of humor Mercury in Capricorn! Actually they do have a sense of humor, they are the people who get a kick out of telling you that your loan has been turned down. I'll bet this native has problems with constipation and soreness in body joints. Take a laxative, take two, have a bowel movement, be happy and lighten up!

   You can easily spot these people behind the wheel of their cars, they are they ones doing 40 MPH in a 55MPH zone, thinking they are going too fast! Their speech is so slowed down that you just know they took diction lessons from Mel Tillis, or they are going through life in slow motion.

   They would make a great school teacher, you know the kind, with the pointer in one hand, and student by the hair in the other. You can tell their classroom at a glance, it is the one where everyone has fallen asleep out of boredom.

   Foreplay for them is looking at a room of extraordinarily beautiful women/men doing aerobics and thinking about how much work they have to do at the office. Here is the constipated mind at work and play.

   During, before or after making love, they are not verbal, demonstrative, alive, appreciative, compassionate, passionate, or physical. They do like to critique the activity though and give it a passing or failing grade, even though they are unsure what it is all about.

   Abnormalities in lovemaking for them is breathing, sweating, yelling "Do it now" at the top of their lungs, or moans, groans or whimpering.

Venus in Sagittarius:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   Venus in Sagittarius are demonstrative and friendly in their affections. They will actually introduce themselves before trying to take you to bed. A formality, its true but nevertheless a nice touch.

   Since these people make great gamblers, you can expect to be seduced on a gaming table while, I might add, there is money riding on a number. Ah!, the fine art of romance and adventure.

   These are the people who go skydiving nude while making love or on the other hand, you may get a sermon instead. That is the other side of this coin. A nice middle of the road approach might be making love while preaching. Where is Jim Bakker when you need him? He is a perfect example of this principle. He supposedly (gotta give him the benefit of the doubt) screwed the world while preaching at the same time.

Mars in Capricorn:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

   Always there and faithful, like laundry day is the Mars in Capricorn native. They prefer to set up specific boundaries with their lover. "This is my side of the bed and that is yours, I don't cross over to your side, and you don't cross over to mine" The sex act now completed, you may both now smoke a cigarette and bask in the rapture of the moment, and back to business as usual.

  Mars in Capricorn in intimate moments is like trying to move an immovable object. They use the Military position of love which is the ability to make love while standing or laying down completely at attention with absolutely no bodily parts moving or responding. Kneeling is optional if done carefully. Making love to a Mars in Capricorn person is like trying to hump a dry Martini.

  Mars in this position points to a lack of sensuality, but it is overcompensated for by an abundance of materialistic attitudes. If you want to make an impression on this native, give them something material, but expect to be interrogated, as this position of Mars uses this as foreplay. If you pass, you're in. If not, try bigger gifts.

  These people are so practical that they actually plan out going to the bathroom and make it an event. If they can charge money for a peek then so much the better.

  They have a very high degree of self control and discipline in everything except but being able to go to the bathroom on a regular basis. They have the regularity of concrete. Why? Because rigid thinking and actions dominate the body, both structurally and dietary. The diet is so insufficient with this placement that you may actually find them eating dead things on a cracker thinking they have found ecstasy.

  If you really want to impress this person, for their birthday have the house put under attack by terrorists because they love a good challenge. For this reason they would have made great military minds and strategists.