The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Chris Martin
September 1, 1974
12:01 PM
Tampa, FL


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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun      8 Vir 50
                 Moon     7 Pis 16
                 Mercury 22 Vir 28
                 Venus   21 Leo 39
                 Mars    22 Vir 50

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 16:01:00   Time Zone: 4 hours West

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Sun in Virgo:

Virgo - Key Words: The Virgin and the Surgeon

   "We will make love now! I have planned a nice bath and sterile conditions to produce maximum effects for love making!", says the Virgo native.

   "What do you mean you aren't in the mood now? Love making should be planned for optimum output!", "Spon what? What is spontaneous?" , "No, love should be well thought out, executed with precise timing, and messiness must be kept to an absolute minimum, cleaned up, sanitized and graded for efficiency", "Enjoyment has nothing to do with it!", "but first, all bodily parts should be boiled beyond recognition, to remove any nasty bacteria. "As one might be readily able to see, Virgo has a "different" idea of what intimacy is all about, the problem is who can live up to these expectations? Only a Virgo!

   Since clothes are a real turn on for Virgo natives, they should have their love choice wearing a tuxedo to get you into the mood or better yet, why not a hospital gown with gloves and mask to match? Stethoscopes are optional, but a thermometer for the correct temperature for optimum ovulation would be nice. Lovemaking with a Virgo is called an "internal or external examination", and should never be taken lightly.

   The originator of the term in restaurants called "separate checks please" was a Virgo out on a date for the first time, or the 50th time.

   Virgo's have no faith in anything they can't see, feel, touch, predict, AND when the typical Virgo's do, they still don't believe it. That's just the kind of trusting soul Virgo's are. Insecurity to the 10th power.

   Remember the school teacher or parent that used to say "I'd wipe that smirk off your face", or "I suppose you find this amusing", or "You'll be laughing out of the other side of your face?". Remember? Well, Virgo's invented it. Honest!

   Virgo's are another one of those cosmic munchkins that has a tongue that cuts like a knife through butter, and doesn't particularly care who is on the receiving end.

   While wandering through life Virgo, remember to leave all the "ugly" things about the world alone. If it doesn't offend the Universe, who are we to improve on it? The typical Virgo will go through life making everything perfect around them, and bitching like crazy if it isn't, while being dragged down in the muck and confusion that surrounds their own lives. They feel that by "sanitizing" the outer world they live in, theirs becomes pure and clean. What they really need is an internal cleansing, as this is the only place that needs to be cleaned, and the world will continue to be a dirty, filthy place despite their efforts. You can't blame a person for trying though, right?

   Virgoans have the wonderful capacity for spying on their neighbors, including times, dates and details of each event, and then sitting down to write about it.

   Virgo's have the passions of moldy water, and the excitement to go with it. Go ahead and sulk! Just don't nag people or make remarks that cut like the mark of Zorro on unsuspecting victims. For the most part, people like to make nice, so make nice!

   If you want to have fun with a Virgo, simply do the following: Give them two jobs to do at the same time. Then stand back and watch their mind unravel and explode. If that doesn't work, then go for the old stand by. Simply say "Can I borrow your car?" You stand a better chance of stealing cement from a standing building than getting that car! Another fun thing to do to a typical Virgo native is to demand a commitment from them, or plan a wedding day. Then stand back with a stop watch and count the seconds it takes for them to disappear, and this especially true of the males of the species.

   Displaying affection is very difficult for Virgo natives, probably because they come from an unloving family where they were not subjected to displays of love, or the whole idea of affection is yucky to them in the first place. An icy and suspicious nature belongs to the typical Virgo.

   One of the more positive and endearing qualities of the Virgo native is that they are never jealous. Why? Because they never give enough of themselves to ever be hurt by someone which leaves their emotions in tact, and. . . life goes on!

  The idea of recreation for a Virgo, is to spend the day in the bathroom, preferably alone, where they can play touchy feely, or play "Sanitary Mind Games".

  Real romance for the Virgo native can be found in men who are married, terminal patients, or persons with disfiguring disabilities.

  Never, ever, ever give a Virgo native alcohol to get them into a romantic mood, because all you will get in return is a razor sharp mouth that cuts like a knife, but twice as sharp and uninhibited. It's like letting a runaway lawnmower loose on an unsuspecting lawn.

  Yes dear Virgo, you do have to get undressed to make love. I didn't invent it, it's just one of those things that is a pre-requisite for making love. It's a whole concept that goes back in time and is not fully understood, but give it a try anyway!.

Moon in Pisces:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   The native with the Moon in Pisces has a lot of facets to their personality. They can be a musician and artist or total drug puppy and alcoholic who, in their own delusion is making things right in their little sector of the world, and who is to say that they aren't?

   The Moon in Pisces emotions bring them great suffering, but hey, what else is life for. The Felix Unger (Of The Odd Couple Series) of the Zodiac has to have Moon in Pisces or other strong traits of Pisces.

   Moon in Pisces people are the reason the term "Mood swings" was invented. The term stable for them should be applied to a ship that is leaning to an angle greater than 45 degrees. Chances are that it "IS" going to sink. This can easily happen, if they don't lighten up.

   It is very easy to spot people with Moon in Pisces, just look around, if they are no where to be found, then it is Moon in Pisces, or a sign similar to water, like Scorpio or Cancer.

Mercury in Virgo:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

  Out of the mouths of babes, usually comes Yuck! This is the positive side of Mercury in Virgo.

  These people have very stable minds and a strong capacity for common sense. I'll bet they have loads of great recipes filed away in that computer they call a mind. These people are the crazoids who are intolerant of others stupidity? It is what they fear most within themselves!

  No one can possibly live up to the love fantasy they have created, complete with surgical tools, disinfectant and scuba gear. Love toys include wonder jelly, a probe (with a light on the tip of it), a surgical table with stirrups and anesthesia, lots of plastic gloves and other plastic appliances, condoms without holes in them, and lots of gauze. Who knows what the gauze is for, and who cares!

  Yes, people do have to get undressed to have sex. I didn't invent it, it's just one of those things that you have to do. It's a whole concept.

Venus in Leo:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   This sign has the emotional response of a wall switch and just as exciting. They can be compassionate and demonstrative when they want to be, and calculating sometimes in what they wish to acquire.

   The woman of the species must be admired, cherished, and complimented on every aspect of her being, and then some.

   Men of the species usually lay enough compliments on you to make you barf and feel good about it afterwards. Love that satisfies the ego side of the self belongs to Venus in Leo.

   People with this placement are demonstrative and will probably try to seduce you while acting out Romeo & Juliet, or some other kinky invention or intention.

   Excitement is the key for these people. Have you ever tried making love while hand gliding or swinging from a chandelier. The more expensive display these people can put on to get you in the mood, the better and it seems the head waiter always knows these people, whether they have been in the restaurant before or not.

Mars in Virgo:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

   To them, love making is much too messy, so why do it! Here is the lover who will bitch and moan about the quality of a condom. Details, details, details. Expect a complete internal and external examination before, during and after the actual act, which may be viewed as very messy, time consuming, and unnecessary.

   Hot Lips Hoolahan on Dramamine is how to define Mars in Virgo. Lovemaking is like lancing a boil to them, sterile and unfulfilling.

   Now here is a personal word of advice. If this person feels that they are doing all the work putting this evening of magic together, expect to hear about it, and hear about it, and hear about it. So, to make things short, make sure to hold up your end of it, which ever end that turns out to be.

  These people are the originators of everything must be on time, so don't be late, or early, or anywhere in between. Love making for them is a party of one, usually themselves, because they love to touch themselves, they just can't keep their hands off!

  Never, ever, ever give this person alcohol to get them into a romantic mood, all you get is the mouth of a sharp knife, . . . . sharpened!

  Yes, people do have to get undressed to have sex. I didn't invent it, it's just one of those things that you have to do. It's a whole concept.