The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Cary Grant
January 18, 1904
1:07 AM
Bristol, England

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     26 Cap 32
                 Moon     0 Aqu 47
                 Mercury 25 Cap 15
                 Venus   15 Sag 13
                 Mars    28 Aqu 44

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 01:07:00   Time Zone: 0 hours West

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Sun in Capricorn:

Capricorn - Key Words: The analytical constipated mind

   Persuading Capricorns to make love has to be done under hypnosis, otherwise it is a fruitless endeavor. In fact, when choosing a long time relationship Capricorn, choose someone who has been dead for at least 50 years. Capricorns are so controlled, that they may actually die a statue, trouble is, no one may know the difference. The author of this whimsy was married to a Capricorn lady once, and being a Leo I was interested in my performance in that very intimate moment. To make a long story short, as I looked at my Capricorn mate in bed afterwards, I actually thought she had passed away. It was difficult to distinguish life from lifelessness at that moment. This summed up intimacy and marriage to a Capricorn.

   The Capricorn's lovemaking technique has all of the warmth of an iceberg, but good news, if they held onto their partner in lovemaking like they do their career, they would get the academy award for sensuality. Don't worry though, it'll never happen.

   In business, arguments, relationships or career, Capricorns would never enter into anything that they have the slightest possibility of losing at.

   If you want to completely screw up the Capricorn mind, give them a computer for their birthday, or go away and "forget" to leave instructions for the food processor, microwave, washing machine or dryer. Try to tape it for future reference, as the laughs will be precious as their analytical minds try to unboggle the mysteries of DOS in computers, or Convection in Microwaves.

   As an example, Al Capone was a Capricorn. He had a whimsical habit of beating people to death with a baseball bat.

   How can you spot a Capricorn at a party? They are the ones telling the same old joke, over and over again, thinking it is something new and exciting, and for the first time.

   Like the sign Taurus, Capricorns use the same restaurants and same Motel/Hotel year after year after year, whether they enjoyed it or not.

   You can always tell a Capricorn home, there is only one phone, placed in the middle for access from any part of the house.

   A Capricorn's career is one where as an administrator they excel because they are cold and suspicious. These are some of Capricorns most charming attributes.

   There are ways to get through that tough Capricorn exterior though, as they are very vulnerable to criticism. Even though Capricorns will never admit it, it rumbles there beneath the surface. Keep at it long enough and watch the alarms and overloads go off in their heads. Although Capricorns always look in control, they have the inner anxiety control of a meadow muffin, and fear of public opinion is right up there with constipation for any Capricorn.

  To get a Capricorn's attention to make love, interrogate them, it will blow their mind, and start the inevitable wheels a turnin' (What are they after? What is their motivation?) If you do turn this Capricorn on, then I hope you don't mind wearing the bracelets slaves used to wear, because this is the kind of loyalty this love munchkin needs.

  Capricorns do fall in love though, with the same consistency of Halley's Comet, lasting about as long as the observation of it.

  Okay, so now you are in tight with this Capricorn, you are in a relationship of master and slave and . . . what happens next? It's like a blasted soap opera, you have to wait for script changes and do everything exactly as it is written, and for goodness sake, no method acting, that will spoil everything! As far as marriage goes, if you can strike a good bargain with your Capricorn, they will resemble a good companion, like a dog.

  Capricorns often marry early just to get out of the circumstances they are in, usually making life no better than it was to begin with.

  Women of the species would be better off marrying a Golden Retriever. After all, loyalty is everything!

Moon in Aquarius:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   An erratic and unstable nature exists for the person with the Moon in Aquarius. They are lovingly the eternal fruit loops of the universe, where many original thoughts can emerge if they can sort it out of the constant trash removal service that lives in their minds.

   Cold feelings towards others can exist for the Moon in Aquarius person, because they can't understand their own emotional needs, much less the needs of others, hence they become a truly detached person emotionally. How can you relate to love or closeness to others if you are locked in the eternal darkness of your mind? This is the turmoil for the Moon in Aquarius person.

   Moon in Aquarius's can be very selfish individuals, but they do it in a friendly way. People with their Moon in Aquarius can suffer from Arthritis later in life because they never learned to lighten up!

   Moon in Aquarius people love and need challenges in love, such as crawling through a mine field to get to the center where a hundred naked love Gods or Goddesses are chanting their name in unison. What a rush! Moon in Aquarius people have one very disturbing and annoying habit however, they need to stop talking and making those stupid, forced and rehearsed sounds during sex. I'm willing to bet these are the people who dub those phony sound tracks on XXX videos.

Mercury in Capricorn:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

  Here is the computer memory that pays attention to all details, even though they do not know how to operate a computer. This is the person you need to see to all of those fine finishing points in projects. For goodness sakes, learn how to laugh, and get a sense of humor Mercury in Capricorn! Actually they do have a sense of humor, they are the people who get a kick out of telling you that your loan has been turned down. I'll bet this native has problems with constipation and soreness in body joints. Take a laxative, take two, have a bowel movement, be happy and lighten up!

   You can easily spot these people behind the wheel of their cars, they are they ones doing 40 MPH in a 55MPH zone, thinking they are going too fast! Their speech is so slowed down that you just know they took diction lessons from Mel Tillis, or they are going through life in slow motion.

   They would make a great school teacher, you know the kind, with the pointer in one hand, and student by the hair in the other. You can tell their classroom at a glance, it is the one where everyone has fallen asleep out of boredom.

   Foreplay for them is looking at a room of extraordinarily beautiful women/men doing aerobics and thinking about how much work they have to do at the office. Here is the constipated mind at work and play.

   During, before or after making love, they are not verbal, demonstrative, alive, appreciative, compassionate, passionate, or physical. They do like to critique the activity though and give it a passing or failing grade, even though they are unsure what it is all about.

   Abnormalities in lovemaking for them is breathing, sweating, yelling "Do it now" at the top of their lungs, or moans, groans or whimpering.

Venus in Sagittarius:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   Venus in Sagittarius are demonstrative and friendly in their affections. They will actually introduce themselves before trying to take you to bed. A formality, its true but nevertheless a nice touch.

   Since these people make great gamblers, you can expect to be seduced on a gaming table while, I might add, there is money riding on a number. Ah!, the fine art of romance and adventure.

   These are the people who go skydiving nude while making love or on the other hand, you may get a sermon instead. That is the other side of this coin. A nice middle of the road approach might be making love while preaching. Where is Jim Bakker when you need him? He is a perfect example of this principle. He supposedly (gotta give him the benefit of the doubt) screwed the world while preaching at the same time.

Mars in Aquarius:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

   With Mars in Aquarius there are many sides to love making. Foreplay for these people would be going out to the ball field, bringing everyone home and have sex with them and making them leave.

   Mars in Aquarius people make love in the cerebral arena. They have the ability to make OOH and AHH sounds during sex without anyone actually having to be there. You can usually find this placement working in a lab or working on a new way to experiment with, but not actually using the actual sexual act. Expect to find all kinds of toys in bed with them when making love. "Please leave the bed as you found it, I have another group coming in an hour.", is the battle cry of Mars in Aquarius.

   Here is the independent and unorthodox sex nature, for anything and everything goes, and usually does with this position of Mars. They take teamwork to an all time high, and the whole team may be in there working and breathing heavily together. Let Mars in Aquarius take the lead as they do not respond well to direction or authority. Cue cards are optional so that the appropriate reactions can be interjected at just the right moment for optimum excitement.

   Should you give sexual advice to an Aquarian, expect them to ignore it and continue in any area that suits them. Why? They have to learn by their own mistakes, but then again, they don't make mistakes, do they?