The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Cameron Diaz
August 30, 1972
12:00 PM
San Diego, California

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun      7 Vir 29
                 Moon    27 Tau 40
                 Mercury 20 Leo 32
                 Venus   21 Can 42
                 Mars    10 Vir 01

                 Daylight Savings Time observed
                 GMT: 19:00:00   Time Zone: 8 hours West

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Sun in Virgo:

Virgo - Key Words: The Virgin and the Surgeon

   "We will make love now! I have planned a nice bath and sterile conditions to produce maximum effects for love making!", says the Virgo native.

   "What do you mean you aren't in the mood now? Love making should be planned for optimum output!", "Spon what? What is spontaneous?" , "No, love should be well thought out, executed with precise timing, and messiness must be kept to an absolute minimum, cleaned up, sanitized and graded for efficiency", "Enjoyment has nothing to do with it!", "but first, all bodily parts should be boiled beyond recognition, to remove any nasty bacteria. "As one might be readily able to see, Virgo has a "different" idea of what intimacy is all about, the problem is who can live up to these expectations? Only a Virgo!

   Since clothes are a real turn on for Virgo natives, they should have their love choice wearing a tuxedo to get you into the mood or better yet, why not a hospital gown with gloves and mask to match? Stethoscopes are optional, but a thermometer for the correct temperature for optimum ovulation would be nice. Lovemaking with a Virgo is called an "internal or external examination", and should never be taken lightly.

   The originator of the term in restaurants called "separate checks please" was a Virgo out on a date for the first time, or the 50th time.

   Virgo's have no faith in anything they can't see, feel, touch, predict, AND when the typical Virgo's do, they still don't believe it. That's just the kind of trusting soul Virgo's are. Insecurity to the 10th power.

   Remember the school teacher or parent that used to say "I'd wipe that smirk off your face", or "I suppose you find this amusing", or "You'll be laughing out of the other side of your face?". Remember? Well, Virgo's invented it. Honest!

   Virgo's are another one of those cosmic munchkins that has a tongue that cuts like a knife through butter, and doesn't particularly care who is on the receiving end.

   While wandering through life Virgo, remember to leave all the "ugly" things about the world alone. If it doesn't offend the Universe, who are we to improve on it? The typical Virgo will go through life making everything perfect around them, and bitching like crazy if it isn't, while being dragged down in the muck and confusion that surrounds their own lives. They feel that by "sanitizing" the outer world they live in, theirs becomes pure and clean. What they really need is an internal cleansing, as this is the only place that needs to be cleaned, and the world will continue to be a dirty, filthy place despite their efforts. You can't blame a person for trying though, right?

   Virgoans have the wonderful capacity for spying on their neighbors, including times, dates and details of each event, and then sitting down to write about it.

   Virgo's have the passions of moldy water, and the excitement to go with it. Go ahead and sulk! Just don't nag people or make remarks that cut like the mark of Zorro on unsuspecting victims. For the most part, people like to make nice, so make nice!

   If you want to have fun with a Virgo, simply do the following: Give them two jobs to do at the same time. Then stand back and watch their mind unravel and explode. If that doesn't work, then go for the old stand by. Simply say "Can I borrow your car?" You stand a better chance of stealing cement from a standing building than getting that car! Another fun thing to do to a typical Virgo native is to demand a commitment from them, or plan a wedding day. Then stand back with a stop watch and count the seconds it takes for them to disappear, and this especially true of the males of the species.

   Displaying affection is very difficult for Virgo natives, probably because they come from an unloving family where they were not subjected to displays of love, or the whole idea of affection is yucky to them in the first place. An icy and suspicious nature belongs to the typical Virgo.

   One of the more positive and endearing qualities of the Virgo native is that they are never jealous. Why? Because they never give enough of themselves to ever be hurt by someone which leaves their emotions in tact, and. . . life goes on!

  The idea of recreation for a Virgo, is to spend the day in the bathroom, preferably alone, where they can play touchy feely, or play "Sanitary Mind Games".

  Real romance for the Virgo native can be found in men who are married, terminal patients, or persons with disfiguring disabilities.

  Never, ever, ever give a Virgo native alcohol to get them into a romantic mood, because all you will get in return is a razor sharp mouth that cuts like a knife, but twice as sharp and uninhibited. It's like letting a runaway lawnmower loose on an unsuspecting lawn.

  Yes dear Virgo, you do have to get undressed to make love. I didn't invent it, it's just one of those things that is a pre-requisite for making love. It's a whole concept that goes back in time and is not fully understood, but give it a try anyway!.

Moon in Taurus:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   The almighty dollar is their weakness, it makes them strong, needed, and gives them a strong sense of power over others. A real stubbornness exists with people with Moon in Taurus that simply must have the last word in any conversation and, cannot stop or give in to any situation even though they know they are dead wrong . . . . "I know money is what I need, I'm insecure!" says the typical Taurean, "and I hate to charge you anything at all for my services", "But that will be $35. just the same."

   If you want to see a Moon in Taurus native blow a fuse and have an emotional breakdown (which isn't probable under normal circumstances), give them two things to do at the same time and tell them you need them both, yesterday, or see if they can juggle and chew gum at the same time. You'll probably get the reply "Do you want me to chew gum, or juggle, now make up your mind!" Just for a laugh, tell this Moon in Taurus native you are going to make a change in their job description. Lead it off with "To Include: In addition to your present job, the list that follows:" Ah, the panic in their minds as gears change, brain cells snap, the eyes go buggy and around in circles, and "terror" rattles the nervous system, then, the inevitable cigarette goes into the mouth, like a pacifier.

   The Moon in Taurus's emotions tend to be steady, just like making bank deposits week after week, after week, easy does it! Yes, we are secure now, and we're feeling much better, thank you! You can always tell an emotionally unhappy Moon in Taurus person because they always wind up with sore throats or problems with the throat, or have their heads buried in the cookie jar and any form of sweets.

   The typical Moon in Taurus native is very practical, and uses instinct in emotional situations. This means, that if it feels good, and they can profit by it, they'll do it, no matter what the task!

   Moon in Taurus natives never rush into love, for love to them is like moldy cheese in the refrigerator, just waiting to be thrown out because they just never got around to it. At that very moment, they take notice of it. Courtships are not the Moon in Taurus's style, because to them, it is just a bunch of Indians running around in circles. After awhile, they forget who is who and why. Moon in Taurus natives don't commit easily, and when they do, they should be committed, literally. In other words, some people find commitments give strength to relationships, but Moon in Taurus people see it as a sign of ownership.

Mercury in Leo:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

  These people have the ability to write and talk to other people who aren't there, and this is the person who can play act a part with or without a partner. "Oh to be me, for all the world to see!"

  Remember in the Wizard of Oz and the Tin Man who wanted a brain? Enough said! They must learn to exercise their mind some, in other words start using it.

  These natives are the authors of the unabridged version of:" My mouth is open. I will utter something, and you will admire and adore me". Mercury in Leo people can be best described as "The Phony, trying to push Bologna!"

  For Mercury in Leo people, love takes place in the mind, but falls short in the physical, leaving you exhausted and frustrated. In their mind however, they  had a great time and feel that their partner should say it was great as well. After all, she/he was there too! Or were they?

  A story is just a story, but with a little exaggeration mixed with a little accentuation and a whole lot of imagination, and it is not a story anymore. It becomes an event, an adventure, a metaphor of meadow muffins, and a downright hilarious one at that!  I should know for it is I, the author of this satirical interpretation who has spent long hours putting together this mindless piece of artwork. I am a gosh darned one man show, with the applauds, the thank you's, and the endless speeches with no one else around. I think it makes for fun reading though, don't you? Well, what do you know anyway? On with the show!

Venus in Cancer:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   This sign in the affection department is as changeable as diapers on a baby. They would make a better mother than a mate, so they should try adopting the world. This would be more satisfying for them, and less frustrating for suitors.

   Romancing this person can be quite expensive in the dry cleaning department. You never know when this person is going to cry, or, why?

   To really bring alive romance in this person, forget about going out. Stay home and have an intimate dinner for two. Remember to lock up the dogs, cats etc. and send the children out of town for a week.

   Don't forget candy and flowers when you visit these natives and don't hurt their feelings intentionally or unintentionally or you will wind up with someone with the personality of a wet dishtowel, tears and all and then your life is truly worth nothing.

Mars in Virgo:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

   To them, love making is much too messy, so why do it! Here is the lover who will bitch and moan about the quality of a condom. Details, details, details. Expect a complete internal and external examination before, during and after the actual act, which may be viewed as very messy, time consuming, and unnecessary.

   Hot Lips Hoolahan on Dramamine is how to define Mars in Virgo. Lovemaking is like lancing a boil to them, sterile and unfulfilling.

   Now here is a personal word of advice. If this person feels that they are doing all the work putting this evening of magic together, expect to hear about it, and hear about it, and hear about it. So, to make things short, make sure to hold up your end of it, which ever end that turns out to be.

  These people are the originators of everything must be on time, so don't be late, or early, or anywhere in between. Love making for them is a party of one, usually themselves, because they love to touch themselves, they just can't keep their hands off!

  Never, ever, ever give this person alcohol to get them into a romantic mood, all you get is the mouth of a sharp knife, . . . . sharpened!

  Yes, people do have to get undressed to have sex. I didn't invent it, it's just one of those things that you have to do. It's a whole concept.