The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Bjork
November 21, 1965
4:30 PM
Reykjavik, Iceland

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     29 Sco 12
                 Moon    11 Sco 41
                 Mercury 18 Sag 55
                 Venus   16 Cap 12
                 Mars     5 Cap 38

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 17:30:00   Time Zone: 1 hours West

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Sun in Scorpio:

Scorpio - Key words: Great first impressions & The Masters of Deception

   Like the eternal child who says "Mine. . ., Mine .. ., Mine . . .," you better believe what belongs to the Scorpio native, is indeed theirs. Be careful when visiting the Scorpio home unannounced, because you may find yourself in the middle of an active mine field because they have decided "I want to be alone!"

   Scorpio women are only happy when they get their little faces involved ever so innocently in other people's lives, trying to belong (so they say), taking over completely. Beware key phrases like "What do you think about. . ." or "Would it be possible to. . .". These are loaded opening statements that sound innocent, but are actually carefully thought out ploys at taking over someone's life. In all fairness, they are dedicated, hard working and conscientious, and because of this, they will eventually own the world, or their fair share of it. Give up and give in gracefully, or don't let them into your life at all.

   The mothering instincts of the Scorpio woman are so strong, that even if they have raised Son of Sam (A fun kind of guy who liked to murder people), they will defend them to the hilt, while physically or verbally thrashing you in the process.

   Scorpios searching for the power that rules can be compared to firing a gun inside a tank. No matter where you hide, chances are you are going to get hit by a flying bullet. Now to further clarify, the Scorpio fired the gun, and is the only one in the tank. They have the same chance of obtaining the power they so desperately seek, no matter what means they employ.

   Typical Scorpio men can be so secretive, that most of the time they don't even tell themselves what is going on!

   Check a Scorpios hand when they "give" something to you. Chances are, there is a string directly attached to the item in question, and when you are not looking, they simply reel it back in.

   Scorpios have the same self control of Charles Manson and while you are out on a date, expect to get into a dispute that can end up in legal proceedings. A typical Scorpio would look at the whole incident as a barely passable date, except the performance level was a bit under par.

   The word scruples and Scorpio are not found in the same dictionary, corner of the globe, or same hemisphere. Scorpio natives will do absolutely anything to get what they want. Scorpio's have the finesse of a hit man (and some of them are), and they have the same ability to forgive as well.

   The female of the species make excellent lovers, and burn at a very high passionate intensity. Before attempting to engage this hot-blooded creature, make sure you are wearing your fireproof underwear. You might want to re-evaluate your own understanding of love making, as Scorpio women can hand you the reins, and expect to be whipped by them just to get them mildly interested.

   Scorpios make great hit and run journalists, hit and run drivers, blackmailers, terrorists and madmen. These of course are the good qualities.

Moon in Scorpio:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   If you are not going to kill a bull at the bull fight, don't just wound it and let it go, because you are only gonna get it mad. This is the emotional capacity for Moon in Scorpio natives.

   Here is judgment waiting for the axe to fall, whether right, wrong or indifferent. Moon in Scorpio people are prone to very deep feelings, but for what is anybody's guess.

   The epitome of fighting to the death for what they want belongs to the Moon in Scorpio native, only to find out they really didn't want it in the first place, only now it may be too late to change it, or do anything about it.

   Moon in Scorpio people have an uncanny knack for knowing when someone is cheating on them, and will show up at the motel etc., to find you, tell you, or castrate you. All of the above may apply, and I might add, at the same time.

   Moon in Scorpio people need to find someone who is less paranoid than themselves to take care of, so they can bounce around from place to place without somewhere to land.

   Love making for Moon in Scorpio people is a religious experience, and if it doesn't work out, then revenge for them is the only alternative that seems to be fair! Moon in Scorpio people would never hold a grudge though, a gun, knife, baseball bat, sharp object, or blunt instrument yes, but never a grudge!

   Health matters for the Moon in Scorpio especially when unhappy is problems with the sexual organs, accident prone behavior, headaches to themselves, and causing headaches to others, especially causing headaches to others.

Mercury in Sagittarius:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   Concentration is not their strong point, but they can direct their minds to something creative and accomplish something. They are always missing the small details that would have made that project they worked on perfect. If they had waited just a little bit longer to make any decisions, the answer would have presented itself, but they are intent on going off prematurely just like a loose cannon on deck. They should learn to be still and listen, for there is an inner voice waiting to talk to them, but they must be still to hear it. But will they take that advice? Absolutely not, because one cannot hear if they are always talking. In other words, SHUT UP!

   Lovemaking is as natural and frequent as going to the bathroom for these natives, like changing your socks or fondly fondling edible underwear. These people should try making love in the woods surrounded by Yogi the bear or Bambi, after all, that's how Thumper got his name.

   These are the people who sing at the top of their lungs while making love. Stop it, you are annoying the neighbors. Take it back out to the woods during hunting season. Not only will they confuse the hunters, they will drive the animals nuts too!

   For Mercury in Sagittarius a story is just a story, but with a little exaggeration mixed with a little accentuation and a whole lot of imagination, it is not a story anymore. It becomes an event, an adventure and a downright hilarious one at that!

   Mercury in Sagittarius natives have got to be the friendliest people in the world and will talk to others like they are a long lost brother or sister, having no idea who they are, somehow in the back of their minds, they should know who they are. Because of this trait, they must be careful of giving away too much information about themselves that they can easily regret later.

Venus in Capricorn:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   When this person appears at your door with a new dishwasher, expect them to be interested in you romantically. The problem is, they won't be interested in anything else, and you'll only confuse them if you ask them to explain how that new gift works.

   Romancing a Capricorn is like trying to push a pea through the eye of a needle. Even if you succeed you wind up with a hell of a mess.

   Capricorns engaged in romance are easy to spot. Picture a beached whale listening to lectures by the masters, like Hitler or Napoleon.

   Public displays of affection or emotion will turn these natives into wrecks, as they have no response to that kind of stimuli at all. They are the "all purpose" driving vehicle of romance, safe to drive and economical, but uncomfortable as hell.

Mars in Capricorn:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

   Always there and faithful, like laundry day is the Mars in Capricorn native. They prefer to set up specific boundaries with their lover. "This is my side of the bed and that is yours, I don't cross over to your side, and you don't cross over to mine" The sex act now completed, you may both now smoke a cigarette and bask in the rapture of the moment, and back to business as usual.

  Mars in Capricorn in intimate moments is like trying to move an immovable object. They use the Military position of love which is the ability to make love while standing or laying down completely at attention with absolutely no bodily parts moving or responding. Kneeling is optional if done carefully. Making love to a Mars in Capricorn person is like trying to hump a dry Martini.

  Mars in this position points to a lack of sensuality, but it is overcompensated for by an abundance of materialistic attitudes. If you want to make an impression on this native, give them something material, but expect to be interrogated, as this position of Mars uses this as foreplay. If you pass, you're in. If not, try bigger gifts.

  These people are so practical that they actually plan out going to the bathroom and make it an event. If they can charge money for a peek then so much the better.

  They have a very high degree of self control and discipline in everything except but being able to go to the bathroom on a regular basis. They have the regularity of concrete. Why? Because rigid thinking and actions dominate the body, both structurally and dietary. The diet is so insufficient with this placement that you may actually find them eating dead things on a cracker thinking they have found ecstasy.

  If you really want to impress this person, for their birthday have the house put under attack by terrorists because they love a good challenge. For this reason they would have made great military minds and strategists.