The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Bruce Willis
March 19, 1955
6:32 PM
Munich, Germany

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     28 Pis 20
                 Moon     2 Aqu 31
                 Mercury  2 Pis 23
                 Venus   17 Aqu 19
                 Mars    14 Tau 48

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 17:32:00   Time Zone: 1 hours East

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Sun in Pisces:

Pisces - Key Words: Perfecting the Art of Masochism &
     Compassion. Kind of a "Do your worst to me, I
     can take it attitude" while signing their
     will over to you.

   A typical Pisces patient having an internal at the Doctor's office. "I said more pain! I deserve it and I want it now!". Pisces uses the Phrase "I Love you" like people inquiring if you put on clean underwear in case you were in an accident. It has no meaning, it just seems like the natural thing to say.

   Don't be alarmed if a Pisces puts you under verbal attack, it is just their way of asking you to excuse them, because they either have something better to do, or someone to do it with. Then again, they may just want to be alone, and a front line verbal attack assures that the insult will justify you leaving.

   Pisces is the most giving person in the Zodiac, and to prove it, they will give to you, and you and you!

   Lovemaking is the ultimate space vehicle for Pisces, as they can get lost in it for hours.

   Of all the signs in the Zodiac, Pisces are the ones who have the broadest beliefs of all. Astrology, Tarot, Telepathy, Witchcraft, extraterrestrials, tea leaves, pendulum dowsing, pyramids, astral travel, out of body experiences, Nostradamus, & Bermuda Triangle just to name a few. Communication with trees, fruit, dolphins, and grass are just a few of the Pisces fan club.

   When people tell a Pisces native to get lost, they can do so very easily as they slip into their own fantasy world, they don't even have to physically move or go somewhere else,. . . they're gone! Moods come over them like the changing of the tides. A great many Pisces have experienced a difficult birth, mainly because they took a peek out of the womb and didn't like what they saw. I can't actually blame them!

   Pisces people have perfected the art of lying to such a degree that by simply opening their mouths, miles and miles of cosmic ca-ca emerges with the clarity of pure water. That is the only thing pure about it however. Pisceans have the exceptional ability NOT to be able to handle money at all, and in the workplace they are the drifters, who may be working today, or hanging out on skid row tomorrow. They have also perfected the art of making the same mistakes over and over again. Pisceans just like to suffer.

   Like the Aquarian counterpart, Pisceans have the capacity to drink entirely too much.

  The Pisces memory for the most part is slow. Like the Gemini native, a Pisces can go out on a date in their car and return home on a boat, having no idea that they didn't leave on a boat to begin with.

Moon in Aquarius:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   An erratic and unstable nature exists for the person with the Moon in Aquarius. They are lovingly the eternal fruit loops of the universe, where many original thoughts can emerge if they can sort it out of the constant trash removal service that lives in their minds.

   Cold feelings towards others can exist for the Moon in Aquarius person, because they can't understand their own emotional needs, much less the needs of others, hence they become a truly detached person emotionally. How can you relate to love or closeness to others if you are locked in the eternal darkness of your mind? This is the turmoil for the Moon in Aquarius person.

   Moon in Aquarius's can be very selfish individuals, but they do it in a friendly way. People with their Moon in Aquarius can suffer from Arthritis later in life because they never learned to lighten up!

   Moon in Aquarius people love and need challenges in love, such as crawling through a mine field to get to the center where a hundred naked love Gods or Goddesses are chanting their name in unison. What a rush! Moon in Aquarius people have one very disturbing and annoying habit however, they need to stop talking and making those stupid, forced and rehearsed sounds during sex. I'm willing to bet these are the people who dub those phony sound tracks on XXX videos.

Mercury in Pisces:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   These people are highly poetic and psychic and music will have a strong effect on them. Be careful of the ever popular "Moody syndrome" and making left turns into negativity.

   Some other goodies located in this sign is being a wee bit too over sensitive and easily hurt. Try to avoid resentment if possible, if not, avoid it anyway.

   Here is the last person on earth that would rather talk about lovemaking than do it. They are not intimate if they don't feel like it, there ain't no two doubts about it. Lovemaking can be a burden for them if done too much, so they must try to do it in moderation and use the rest of the time to slaughter cattle, rebuild engines or work on aircraft.

   They don't need to be "in" a relationship all the time, but should they turn over in bed and there is someone there, what the heck.

Venus in Aquarius:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   Venus in Aquarius has all of the emotional satisfaction of an ice cube down your pants, which by the way has the same results for these people. They have no scruples in romance or lovemaking and will go after anything that walks, talks, or crawls with the emotions of a snowman that even the sun cannot melt.

   This native also has the capacity to make rehearsed and prerecorded sounds while making love. As an example: "Oh baby, oh yes baby, do it now, oh yes baby". Don't put any emotions into it while you read it, just read it, then you have the emotions.

   Commitments for Venus in Aquarius are limited to hello, and goodbye. "Oh look, someone new to play with until something more interesting comes along".

   Foreplay and emotional response for this sign is best illustrated by reading a book while making love, or instead of it making the same sounds associated with the sexual act.

   There was an old story that I heard a long time ago that illustrates this native to a "T". "If I should fall asleep while we are making love, please pull my nightgown down". It's coarse and uncouth I agree, but accurate.

Mars in Taurus:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

  This is the placement of the person who will do anything for money. I would never suggest that this person would prostitute themselves for money! Well, alright I would! A word of advice, a person with this placement is as possessive as a gorilla with a banana and just as resentful and jealous if you get it away from them.

  A Taurus in heat has all the grace of a Brahma bull trying to freight train a Rodeo Clown, and with just about the same results. There they are, lying flat and looking straight up with no idea who, or what you are, much less where!

  You can tell a sexually frustrated Taurus very easily. You will find them in the kitchen cooking, . . . . EVERYTHING! When this sign releases their love making passion, the results are similar to having a building drop on you, a very large building. This is to say that when they give themselves, they give themselves completely. Who wants complete, instead save some for a rainy day!

  If this native knows they can get a great deal by doing a slightly naughty favor, expect a fantastic reaction to your proposition. Just make sure that you understand who owns what in the long run.