The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Ben Kingsley
December 31, 1943
12:00 PM
Scarborough, England

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun      8 Cap 54
                 Moon     7 Pis 41
                 Mercury 24 Cap 48
                 Venus   26 Sco 45
                 Mars     5 Gem 29

                 War Time observed
                 GMT: 11:00:00   Time Zone: 0 hours West

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Sun in Capricorn:

Capricorn - Key Words: The analytical constipated mind

   Persuading Capricorns to make love has to be done under hypnosis, otherwise it is a fruitless endeavor. In fact, when choosing a long time relationship Capricorn, choose someone who has been dead for at least 50 years. Capricorns are so controlled, that they may actually die a statue, trouble is, no one may know the difference. The author of this whimsy was married to a Capricorn lady once, and being a Leo I was interested in my performance in that very intimate moment. To make a long story short, as I looked at my Capricorn mate in bed afterwards, I actually thought she had passed away. It was difficult to distinguish life from lifelessness at that moment. This summed up intimacy and marriage to a Capricorn.

   The Capricorn's lovemaking technique has all of the warmth of an iceberg, but good news, if they held onto their partner in lovemaking like they do their career, they would get the academy award for sensuality. Don't worry though, it'll never happen.

   In business, arguments, relationships or career, Capricorns would never enter into anything that they have the slightest possibility of losing at.

   If you want to completely screw up the Capricorn mind, give them a computer for their birthday, or go away and "forget" to leave instructions for the food processor, microwave, washing machine or dryer. Try to tape it for future reference, as the laughs will be precious as their analytical minds try to unboggle the mysteries of DOS in computers, or Convection in Microwaves.

   As an example, Al Capone was a Capricorn. He had a whimsical habit of beating people to death with a baseball bat.

   How can you spot a Capricorn at a party? They are the ones telling the same old joke, over and over again, thinking it is something new and exciting, and for the first time.

   Like the sign Taurus, Capricorns use the same restaurants and same Motel/Hotel year after year after year, whether they enjoyed it or not.

   You can always tell a Capricorn home, there is only one phone, placed in the middle for access from any part of the house.

   A Capricorn's career is one where as an administrator they excel because they are cold and suspicious. These are some of Capricorns most charming attributes.

   There are ways to get through that tough Capricorn exterior though, as they are very vulnerable to criticism. Even though Capricorns will never admit it, it rumbles there beneath the surface. Keep at it long enough and watch the alarms and overloads go off in their heads. Although Capricorns always look in control, they have the inner anxiety control of a meadow muffin, and fear of public opinion is right up there with constipation for any Capricorn.

  To get a Capricorn's attention to make love, interrogate them, it will blow their mind, and start the inevitable wheels a turnin' (What are they after? What is their motivation?) If you do turn this Capricorn on, then I hope you don't mind wearing the bracelets slaves used to wear, because this is the kind of loyalty this love munchkin needs.

  Capricorns do fall in love though, with the same consistency of Halley's Comet, lasting about as long as the observation of it.

  Okay, so now you are in tight with this Capricorn, you are in a relationship of master and slave and . . . what happens next? It's like a blasted soap opera, you have to wait for script changes and do everything exactly as it is written, and for goodness sake, no method acting, that will spoil everything! As far as marriage goes, if you can strike a good bargain with your Capricorn, they will resemble a good companion, like a dog.

  Capricorns often marry early just to get out of the circumstances they are in, usually making life no better than it was to begin with.

  Women of the species would be better off marrying a Golden Retriever. After all, loyalty is everything!

Moon in Pisces:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   The native with the Moon in Pisces has a lot of facets to their personality. They can be a musician and artist or total drug puppy and alcoholic who, in their own delusion is making things right in their little sector of the world, and who is to say that they aren't?

   The Moon in Pisces emotions bring them great suffering, but hey, what else is life for. The Felix Unger (Of The Odd Couple Series) of the Zodiac has to have Moon in Pisces or other strong traits of Pisces.

   Moon in Pisces people are the reason the term "Mood swings" was invented. The term stable for them should be applied to a ship that is leaning to an angle greater than 45 degrees. Chances are that it "IS" going to sink. This can easily happen, if they don't lighten up.

   It is very easy to spot people with Moon in Pisces, just look around, if they are no where to be found, then it is Moon in Pisces, or a sign similar to water, like Scorpio or Cancer.

Mercury in Capricorn:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

  Here is the computer memory that pays attention to all details, even though they do not know how to operate a computer. This is the person you need to see to all of those fine finishing points in projects. For goodness sakes, learn how to laugh, and get a sense of humor Mercury in Capricorn! Actually they do have a sense of humor, they are the people who get a kick out of telling you that your loan has been turned down. I'll bet this native has problems with constipation and soreness in body joints. Take a laxative, take two, have a bowel movement, be happy and lighten up!

   You can easily spot these people behind the wheel of their cars, they are they ones doing 40 MPH in a 55MPH zone, thinking they are going too fast! Their speech is so slowed down that you just know they took diction lessons from Mel Tillis, or they are going through life in slow motion.

   They would make a great school teacher, you know the kind, with the pointer in one hand, and student by the hair in the other. You can tell their classroom at a glance, it is the one where everyone has fallen asleep out of boredom.

   Foreplay for them is looking at a room of extraordinarily beautiful women/men doing aerobics and thinking about how much work they have to do at the office. Here is the constipated mind at work and play.

   During, before or after making love, they are not verbal, demonstrative, alive, appreciative, compassionate, passionate, or physical. They do like to critique the activity though and give it a passing or failing grade, even though they are unsure what it is all about.

   Abnormalities in lovemaking for them is breathing, sweating, yelling "Do it now" at the top of their lungs, or moans, groans or whimpering.

Venus in Scorpio:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

  Venus in Scorpios idea of foreplay is ripping up the flowers, throwing the food at you, strangling the Cherubs, and thrusting themselves on you.

  This sign has all of the romantic sensitivity of a line foreman on the 68th floor of a skyscraper, and all of the compassion of a dentist with hydraulic tools who is just going to do a cleaning, scraping, polishing, filling and extraction, all within one visit. They have the sensitivity of a linebacker with jock itch. Sorry folks, it just leaped out of my brain and onto this paper. I won't say forgive me (I'd be killed for being mortal) instead I'll just say "SUFFER!"

   Expect to be romancing an animal in heat when being intimate with Venus in Scorpio. To say this person is selfish in lovemaking is to also say that Hitler was an overmotivated and overachieving alter boy.

   This person can make passionate and sometimes painful love to you, and then punish you for not being able to take it. Anyone for whips and chains?

   In lovemaking there is all the sensitivity and compassion of a tornado going through a trailer park. It can split you apart at the seams and scatter you for miles. You had better find a concrete basement to hide in until she blows over. Sorry, poor choice of words.

Mars in Gemini:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

  Anything can arouse people with this placement, from kitchen appliances to sitting on the washing machine during spin cycle to lights in the far off distance.

  Mars in Gemini people use sarcasm and subtleties to make love with you. "Hey, it's been 4 days without sex!, lets get to it, I've got a cake in the oven".

  They have the kind of energy that allows them to make love to you and then go out and fix the car, and this is the woman! If you happen to have the car in the bedroom at the same time, this would be great, because then they can really do 2 things at once, which they are so good at.

  Love making is an outlet for a screwed up nervous system. That's a tip, from me to you. This is to be considered an aspirin for a Gemini.

  When this person plans on sex at a certain time and place, don't expect them to be anywhere around, as they are as unreliable/unpredictable as the NY subway.

  The native with this placement gets turned on by thinking about every Clint Eastwood movie ever made. Their love making partner had better be prepared to act out a prearranged scenario set up entirely by them.

  Love turn ons for Mars in Gemini people are: sign language, body language, or Morse code which is flashed at them by a passing ship. They require a more gentle touch. Being pounced on by a 300 pound gorilla wouldn't be their particular cup of tea. They can get so deeply wrapped up in the imaginative part of lovemaking, that there may not have to be anyone with them at that particular time to make them truly satisfied.

   Gemini's are great at faking sex acts, and Gemini men are great at substituting anything but the real thing for male prowess. Gemini men are also considered perverts, but you didn't hear that from me.