The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Ashlee Nicole Simpson
October 3, 1984
12:31 PM
El Paso, Texas

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     10 Lib 43
                 Moon     2 Aqu 18
                 Mercury  5 Lib 19
                 Venus    9 Sco 55
                 Mars    28 Sag 59

                 Daylight Savings Time observed
                 GMT: 18:31:00   Time Zone: 7 hours West

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Sun in Libra:

Libra - Key words: Head in the clouds, while falling
    off a cliff

  "Fly me to the moon" is the motto of this air sign. "If we aren't going to get married, let me know now, I have a date tomorrow", says the impatient Libra.

   Libra is the chemical parent of Librium, a tranquilizer which, by the way, is a wonderful way of not caring about anything.

   Librans have a talent for nastiness at times, and can swear so fluently that is frightens everyone, but then again, everyone has their niche in life. Do you need someone unreliable who is not able to keep a secret? Count on a Libra native to spill the beans every time!

   Libra people are very easy to spot, as these are the people who can be looking straight at you, and not hear a word that you say, or care! Try to be kind to them, as they spend so much time in another realm that few of us ever see, that they forget about the mundane things of life, like reality.

   Some cheap advice: Revenge doesn't belong to Librans, and when they are old enough and mature enough to accept and understand this, they won't spend hours planning the perfect revenge, as Librans are great at carrying grudges and remembering the slightest slights. Librans must use caution as sudden headaches can be a burden to them as well, and must drink plenty of water to keep the kidneys operating in tip top order.

   Concentration wise, Libra's are the type of people who can go upstairs for something, and have no idea what they are doing up there in the first place, come back down stairs and begin again.

   If flirting was a vocation, Libra would easily be a millionaire a hundred times over, as Librans often confuse love and friendship and are often accused of being loose in the caboose in the lovemaking department.

   Libras have a great sense of humor, and everyone, everywhere knows they are in the room by the loud manner in which they laugh.

Moon in Aquarius:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   An erratic and unstable nature exists for the person with the Moon in Aquarius. They are lovingly the eternal fruit loops of the universe, where many original thoughts can emerge if they can sort it out of the constant trash removal service that lives in their minds.

   Cold feelings towards others can exist for the Moon in Aquarius person, because they can't understand their own emotional needs, much less the needs of others, hence they become a truly detached person emotionally. How can you relate to love or closeness to others if you are locked in the eternal darkness of your mind? This is the turmoil for the Moon in Aquarius person.

   Moon in Aquarius's can be very selfish individuals, but they do it in a friendly way. People with their Moon in Aquarius can suffer from Arthritis later in life because they never learned to lighten up!

   Moon in Aquarius people love and need challenges in love, such as crawling through a mine field to get to the center where a hundred naked love Gods or Goddesses are chanting their name in unison. What a rush! Moon in Aquarius people have one very disturbing and annoying habit however, they need to stop talking and making those stupid, forced and rehearsed sounds during sex. I'm willing to bet these are the people who dub those phony sound tracks on XXX videos.

Mercury in Libra:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   Good judgment is present as well as sensitivity with Mercury in Libra, but they can spend a lot of time on cloud 9, never having a foothold on reality.

   These natives have thoughts of nothing in general, while in a kind of laxative state. Making love while constantly in motion would be ideal for them, and if there is a need to constantly change positions with your partner, at least warn them, the turbulence alone could be devastating. They are always trying to change and improve what was given a fixed number of different positions, but will that stop them? No!

   They have a talent for nastiness, and can swear so fluently that it frightens everyone. These are the people who are so interested and curious about what they are doing that they will drive you nuts asking questions. Read a book! Take a break for goodness sake. Prunes are always in season, so take a break and load up. Enjoy the laxative state.

  This is the personification of working in the mental state. You won't find this position of Libra telling fibs, because they believe in honesty and balance. Leave the dishonesty to the rest of the Zodiac, they are better equipped to handle it.

  Mercury in Libra can get lost in indecision and miss opportunities, so make sure you have a cattle prod handy to help them along. "Since I can see both sides of the issue, the middle of the road must contain the answer." "Therefore my decision is: Ummm!", says the Mercury in Libra native.

  These people are so honest that if you are perspiring more than usual with a little odor connected with it, they will let you know about it. (There is nothing like being dried with a towlette to keep you in a romantic mood!) I'd love to see you try this maneuver on the NY subway where people are crammed together like sardines. "Towlettes, handiwipes, anyone for towlettes, handiwipes?"

Venus in Scorpio:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

  Venus in Scorpios idea of foreplay is ripping up the flowers, throwing the food at you, strangling the Cherubs, and thrusting themselves on you.

  This sign has all of the romantic sensitivity of a line foreman on the 68th floor of a skyscraper, and all of the compassion of a dentist with hydraulic tools who is just going to do a cleaning, scraping, polishing, filling and extraction, all within one visit. They have the sensitivity of a linebacker with jock itch. Sorry folks, it just leaped out of my brain and onto this paper. I won't say forgive me (I'd be killed for being mortal) instead I'll just say "SUFFER!"

   Expect to be romancing an animal in heat when being intimate with Venus in Scorpio. To say this person is selfish in lovemaking is to also say that Hitler was an overmotivated and overachieving alter boy.

   This person can make passionate and sometimes painful love to you, and then punish you for not being able to take it. Anyone for whips and chains?

   In lovemaking there is all the sensitivity and compassion of a tornado going through a trailer park. It can split you apart at the seams and scatter you for miles. You had better find a concrete basement to hide in until she blows over. Sorry, poor choice of words.

Mars in Sagittarius:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

   Mars in Sagittarius people need to learn to recognize that others have rights as well as them. Sometimes these natives limit their vocabulary with others to the middle finger of either hand, as gesturing gets the same effect.

   Don't rush partners in intimate moments Mars in Sagittarius natives, this is not the last adventure of the jolly rancher, or Eskimo pie, this is a living breathing human being. These people should find a lover who can fill in the missing pieces of their ever popular fantasies, like putting in the last piece of a crossword puzzle.

   Mars in Sagittarius people have the ability to make love during a total eclipse. While everyone else is looking up, they take advantage of it. After all, who will notice? For Sagittarians, love making gives a new meaning to "its Miller time". The adventurous Sagittarius may choose to jump from a hot air balloon and land on the object of their desire, make contact and move on, without too much effort. If you want to keep this person continually interested after marriage, change your residence but don't tell them where you are. At least that will keep them busy for a few days trying to find you. Tell these people you've inherited money and you'll be gone for a short holiday, that will put a rise in their attention span.

   "Don't fence me in" is the battle cry of this unreliable person, so set up your own kind of corral, if you get my drift and if you want to keep this persons attention temporarily.