The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Alexander Graham Bell
March 3, 1847
7:00 AM
Edinburgh, Scotland

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     12 Pis 07
                 Moon    24 Vir 47
                 Mercury 24 Pis 53
                 Venus    0 Ari 34
                 Mars    14 Cap 43

                 Local Mean Time observed
                 GMT: 07:12:52   Time Zone: 0 hours West

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Sun in Pisces:

Pisces - Key Words: Perfecting the Art of Masochism &
     Compassion. Kind of a "Do your worst to me, I
     can take it attitude" while signing their
     will over to you.

   A typical Pisces patient having an internal at the Doctor's office. "I said more pain! I deserve it and I want it now!". Pisces uses the Phrase "I Love you" like people inquiring if you put on clean underwear in case you were in an accident. It has no meaning, it just seems like the natural thing to say.

   Don't be alarmed if a Pisces puts you under verbal attack, it is just their way of asking you to excuse them, because they either have something better to do, or someone to do it with. Then again, they may just want to be alone, and a front line verbal attack assures that the insult will justify you leaving.

   Pisces is the most giving person in the Zodiac, and to prove it, they will give to you, and you and you!

   Lovemaking is the ultimate space vehicle for Pisces, as they can get lost in it for hours.

   Of all the signs in the Zodiac, Pisces are the ones who have the broadest beliefs of all. Astrology, Tarot, Telepathy, Witchcraft, extraterrestrials, tea leaves, pendulum dowsing, pyramids, astral travel, out of body experiences, Nostradamus, & Bermuda Triangle just to name a few. Communication with trees, fruit, dolphins, and grass are just a few of the Pisces fan club.

   When people tell a Pisces native to get lost, they can do so very easily as they slip into their own fantasy world, they don't even have to physically move or go somewhere else,. . . they're gone! Moods come over them like the changing of the tides. A great many Pisces have experienced a difficult birth, mainly because they took a peek out of the womb and didn't like what they saw. I can't actually blame them!

   Pisces people have perfected the art of lying to such a degree that by simply opening their mouths, miles and miles of cosmic ca-ca emerges with the clarity of pure water. That is the only thing pure about it however. Pisceans have the exceptional ability NOT to be able to handle money at all, and in the workplace they are the drifters, who may be working today, or hanging out on skid row tomorrow. They have also perfected the art of making the same mistakes over and over again. Pisceans just like to suffer.

   Like the Aquarian counterpart, Pisceans have the capacity to drink entirely too much.

  The Pisces memory for the most part is slow. Like the Gemini native, a Pisces can go out on a date in their car and return home on a boat, having no idea that they didn't leave on a boat to begin with.

Moon in Virgo:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   The Moon in Virgo native suffers from an inferiority complex that overcompensates with a superior intellect resulting in cosmic hogwash.

   The Moon in Virgo person has no problem explaining to you all of your shortcomings, but hasn't the faintest idea what their own problem is. Here is where my favorite expression comes in: "When you argue with fools, you get FOOLISHNESS". The Moon in Virgo person places themselves into a position of straightening out all the things wrong in the world, while swimming in a cesspool the size of The Dead Sea. They seem to enjoy it, so don't mess with perfection.

   Health problems for the Moon in Virgo native include indigestion (from trying to perfect the outside world) and nerves (from failing to perfect the outside world). What a prize winning combination. Stop criticizing people Moon in Virgo people, its annoying, and you sound like an idiot when you do it, and last but not least, criticize yourself first, and perfect your world first, and everything else will fall into proper order!

   Moon in Virgo people cautiously select a lover after running a computer search of their family tree to see what afflictions they may have to deal with, and then have a medicine cabinet full of antidotes and vitamins, minerals, lots and lots of laxatives and plastic gloves in every size and variety to make an evening of love and romance very special, and antiseptic. This spawns a new era in safe sex for the partners of the Moon in Virgo people, simply stated it implies that if I have to go through all of this trouble to have sex, I would rather not have it at all. Perhaps that is the idea in the first place! Ya think?

   Expect Moon in Virgo people to have the dinner table cleaned, and dishes washed, as soon as your fork hits the plate, before or after attempting to eat. There is nothing quite like sitting down to the dinner table in surgical garb, plastic gloves and a hair net, to create just the right atmosphere. The adventure of it baffles some, and repulses many.

Mercury in Pisces:

  Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   These people are highly poetic and psychic and music will have a strong effect on them. Be careful of the ever popular "Moody syndrome" and making left turns into negativity.

   Some other goodies located in this sign is being a wee bit too over sensitive and easily hurt. Try to avoid resentment if possible, if not, avoid it anyway.

   Here is the last person on earth that would rather talk about lovemaking than do it. They are not intimate if they don't feel like it, there ain't no two doubts about it. Lovemaking can be a burden for them if done too much, so they must try to do it in moderation and use the rest of the time to slaughter cattle, rebuild engines or work on aircraft.

   They don't need to be "in" a relationship all the time, but should they turn over in bed and there is someone there, what the heck.

Venus in Aries:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   Self satisfaction at its best defines Venus in Aries. To further clarify, these natives don't have to share someone's company to have a good time. They have the cunning of a vulture just waiting for the right unsuspecting target and without warning pounce on their prey. I would suggest that people with Venus in Aries might want to put themselves in the other peoples shoes, so that they can understand the impact they have on others, but all that these natives would be able to see is themselves in a different pair of shoes, and life would continue just as before.

   In all of the running around that Venus in Aries does, they should try to find out what the ideal relationship is in the outside world, rather than looking in all of the wrong places. Right here the conversation ends, and Aries is off again.

  Here is the typical Venus in Aries making up their mind, especially making a commitment "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, well. . . . Yes, no, Yes, No

   You can tell the person with Venus in Aries by how far they try to stick their tongue down your throat, while talking casually for the first time.

Mars in Capricorn:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

   Always there and faithful, like laundry day is the Mars in Capricorn native. They prefer to set up specific boundaries with their lover. "This is my side of the bed and that is yours, I don't cross over to your side, and you don't cross over to mine" The sex act now completed, you may both now smoke a cigarette and bask in the rapture of the moment, and back to business as usual.

  Mars in Capricorn in intimate moments is like trying to move an immovable object. They use the Military position of love which is the ability to make love while standing or laying down completely at attention with absolutely no bodily parts moving or responding. Kneeling is optional if done carefully. Making love to a Mars in Capricorn person is like trying to hump a dry Martini.

  Mars in this position points to a lack of sensuality, but it is overcompensated for by an abundance of materialistic attitudes. If you want to make an impression on this native, give them something material, but expect to be interrogated, as this position of Mars uses this as foreplay. If you pass, you're in. If not, try bigger gifts.

  These people are so practical that they actually plan out going to the bathroom and make it an event. If they can charge money for a peek then so much the better.

  They have a very high degree of self control and discipline in everything except but being able to go to the bathroom on a regular basis. They have the regularity of concrete. Why? Because rigid thinking and actions dominate the body, both structurally and dietary. The diet is so insufficient with this placement that you may actually find them eating dead things on a cracker thinking they have found ecstasy.

  If you really want to impress this person, for their birthday have the house put under attack by terrorists because they love a good challenge. For this reason they would have made great military minds and strategists.