The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Al Pacino
April 25, 1940
11:02 AM
Manhattan, New York

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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun      5 Tau 17
                 Moon    21 Sag 41
                 Mercury 11 Ari 23
                 Venus   20 Gem 38
                 Mars    15 Gem 44

                 Standard time observed
                 GMT: 16:02:00   Time Zone: 5 hours West

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Sun in Taurus:

   Taurus- Key Words: The Bull in the china shop.

   Taurus natives are stubborn about everything, and there is no particular reason why, probably because Taureans feel insecure in some way. In being stubborn, Taureans feel they won't miss out on anything until they have mulled it into mildew. Hey, who wants to miss out on a good thing? If you want to have a good time with a Taurean native, give them the impossible to do with a restricted time frame to do it in, and watch them burn out a fuse trying to do it anyway. Make sure to have lots of video tape ready to capture the determination, and the horror! This will not be a pretty sight.

  For the greatest Taurean attributes look under N for No Nerves (as they are quite jittery), and have absolutely No sense of humor. A person can't laugh with a stick up their butt, it ruins the concentration!

  If you want to get romantic with a Taurean, take that little love muffin out to the countryside with the horsies and cows and other such charming anomalies of nature for a picnic, and let nature takes its course. The Taurean just loves the country to roam etc., etc., etc. Do I have to draw a picture for you, or maybe you can draw your own?

   The biggest drawback for the Taurean native is what I call the turtle reflex. The turtle reflex, simply put, is waiting for the Taurean person (with the speed of the mud) to make up their mind about anything! It will happen, but not in this lifetime. Never ask a Taurus to make a decision, because you will be too old to care anymore, especially if it involves commitments.

  Once committed to a relationship Taurus people expect any object of their desire to be there forever, whether married or divorced, dead or alive. There is a very jealous and possessive side of Taurus, and what is theirs shall remain theirs, from this day forth, and death is a poor excuse for being unfaithful to them! Taureans have been known to go out on midnight spy runs to keep tabs on their love interests. Ah, love sweet love, with the shackles that say "I love you, FOREVER!"

  Taureans should choose a mate who likes variety in lovemaking, like say, swinging from a chandelier, or doing the unspeakable underwater. So speak a little, speak a little! Once you pry the inner carefree nature out of that reserved exterior, watch out, for once Taureans have you in their grip, you stand a better chance getting out of an impossible wrestling hold, then getting away from a Taurean in love or lust!

  Salesmen hate doing business with the Taurus people, because before a Taurean decides to buy something, no matter what it is, it will be out of date, has gone bad, or the salesman has retired.

  To instill panic in Taureans, just tell them big changes are coming into their lives, and they will crack like old plaster, OR, just for the fun of it, assign him/her the task of a mediator in a dispute, where they must choose sides. With Taurean cat like reflexes and powers of indecision this could go on forever. Make sure someone has a video camera handy to watch Taurus's brains frazzling like bacon trying to compute the finer points of making fair and unbiased decisions.

  Taureans laugh with all of the sinister qualities of "The Shadow" (an old Radio Show). That is because down deep inside there is this very naughty person who in a lot of cases is so reserved, that laughter is the only thing they can let loose without being becoming unglued. Taurus men do not exhibit these qualities however, they just bide their time waiting for a good reason to smile.

  The Taurus's home is their pride and joy, and anyone entering the Taurus domain had better respect that! You may have noticed a few Taurus homes and not known it, as these are the people in the middle of the night in the front yard in full combat gear, ready to defend their homestead to the death.

  Here is a joke that Taurus people won't appreciate but what the heck. Where do you find a Taurus on vacation? The same place they have been going to for the last 25 years, and the neat thing is, even though they may have hated it, they still go back there year, after year, after year. Oh they are such fun munchkins!

  Children find Taurus parents a real pain, because they never give them any privacy, and a Taurean will always go through their children's things looking for god knows what. Taureans feel, if they aren't having any fun, why should their children.

  Don't ever give a Taurean $10 and say there are a dozen people coming over for dinner, prepare a banquet! They will do it, and give you change in return (maybe!).

  Taurus natives don't reveal themselves to others easily either, and a potential mate may have to be eligible for social security before Mr. or Ms. Taurus open up to their feelings.

Moon in Sagittarius:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   The man who invented the movie "born free" had to have his Moon in Sagittarius. These people are born with driving gloves embedded in their skin, and in this way they don't have to waste time when going for drive, after drive, after drive, trying to find them.

   Loving support is given to others by Moon in Sagittarius people by beating them over the head to listen to what they have to say, or embedding this weeks truth into the minds of the unsuspecting. People emerging from this feel like they have been run over by a bulldozer. Lighten up!

   Moon in Sagittarius people are the original inventors of the gaming wheel, and you will often find these natives at Atlantic City, or Las Vegas, trying to beat the odds, and some may very well just do that.

   One of my personal favorite associations for the Moon in Sagittarius (which I can both relate and admit to) is having lots and lots of acquaintances, but very few close friends.

   Most people have hobbies that include cooking or sewing. Instead, Moon in Sagittarius people enjoy fantasies with hundreds of naked maidens or their male counterparts, all cooking and sewing.

   Moon in Sagittarius natives are always happy and cheerful, and should there come a time when they become disgruntled in their present relationships they try to stay in good shape emotionally, even though they are moving out on you. " Hi Ho, Hi Ho, its off to another place I go" (The Moon in Sagittarius theme song)

   The unhappy Moon in Sagittarius native can suffer some problems with the hips or sciatic nerves can act up.

Mercury in Aries:

   Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   They have the concentration of a bull in heat, and a quick temper to match. They hate delays, which only makes them more angry, and they hate anger, which only brings them delays. It just boggles the mind doesn't it? The Arian is not able to tell the difference between an impulse and a second of time, therefore they go off emotionally at the same interval. "Impulse, impulse, impulse, kaboomb!"

   Mercury in Aries suggests that anything and everything is fair game in the love making department, whether fantasy or reality. Any open extremity on or off the human body, door knobs, medium sized cats and certain species of fish holds their interest and attraction. The Mercury in Aries mind turns the body on to ALL the possibilities and if this native isn't careful, they may prematurely create a love making episode in their mind, before it ever gets to reality. But then again it may be much more fun this way, " and hey, I've just practiced safe sex." This is the true celibates love making outlet.

   The mind is a terrible thing to waste, and to that end the Mercury in Aries native will jump off a cliff rather than make no decision at all. Simply waiting for a more favorable time would never occur to them. On the other hand Mercury in Aries may decide to do something, and like a rain cloud do nothing at all.

  Mercury in Aries natives are aggressive in speech, and drive like maniacs, making good race car drivers on or off the track. Their nervous system is non existent, jumpy, frazzled and in need of physical expression to keep it in good working order.

  These people are fond of debate and arguments, and to convince you of their intellectual expertise, may beat the heck out of you. They go off like a cannon on exlax, the trouble is you don't know where it is going to land, but you know that it's coming!

Venus in Gemini:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

  Gemini's go to sporting events just to look over the selection of people available for group activities, after all, variety is the spice of life. . . but so much variety, and all at one time. The next day is an instant replay.

  You may find this vixen in the locker room of any sporting event making friends with everyone, because friendships are very important. "Don't try to pin me down", says Venus in Gemini. They have terminal "I gotta go!" syndrome which never allows them to stay in one place for very long. Freedom for this sign of duality is essential.

  Since this sign spends more time in the mental plane than the emotional one, romance them with is the ever popular dirty joke, as this will stimulate them into submission. Venus in Gemini natives don't like coarse behavior, and whips and chains are out of the question. After all, you can't jump start a dead battery. Okay, to be fair, the fantasy part of it is alright, but getting it down to earth is like resurrecting the dead.

  Getting this woman to say I love you is like prying a banana from a gorilla, doubtful, frustrating, and at times very dangerous.

  Venus in Gemini is where hope meets the dope! The Gemini Cupid may very well shoot himself in the rear end while complaining about the inferior bows and arrows given to work with.

Mars in Gemini:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

  Anything can arouse people with this placement, from kitchen appliances to sitting on the washing machine during spin cycle to lights in the far off distance.

  Mars in Gemini people use sarcasm and subtleties to make love with you. "Hey, it's been 4 days without sex!, lets get to it, I've got a cake in the oven".

  They have the kind of energy that allows them to make love to you and then go out and fix the car, and this is the woman! If you happen to have the car in the bedroom at the same time, this would be great, because then they can really do 2 things at once, which they are so good at.

  Love making is an outlet for a screwed up nervous system. That's a tip, from me to you. This is to be considered an aspirin for a Gemini.

  When this person plans on sex at a certain time and place, don't expect them to be anywhere around, as they are as unreliable/unpredictable as the NY subway.

  The native with this placement gets turned on by thinking about every Clint Eastwood movie ever made. Their love making partner had better be prepared to act out a prearranged scenario set up entirely by them.

  Love turn ons for Mars in Gemini people are: sign language, body language, or Morse code which is flashed at them by a passing ship. They require a more gentle touch. Being pounced on by a 300 pound gorilla wouldn't be their particular cup of tea. They can get so deeply wrapped up in the imaginative part of lovemaking, that there may not have to be anyone with them at that particular time to make them truly satisfied.

   Gemini's are great at faking sex acts, and Gemini men are great at substituting anything but the real thing for male prowess. Gemini men are also considered perverts, but you didn't hear that from me.