The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:
April 19, 1968
Los Angeles, California
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This astrological analysis is based
on the following astrological data:
Sun 29 Ari 49
Moon 0 Aqu 02
Mercury 24 Ari 06
Venus 13 Ari 27
Mars 16 Tau 39
Standard time observed
GMT: 20:00:00 Time Zone: 8 hours West
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For Professional Charts and Reports
Sun in Aries:
Aries: Key words: The Egomaniac. EGO: for the hell of it.
The word Spirituality and Aries are never used together in the same sentence, at least not on purpose. A Spiritual moment for the typical Aries native is closing another business deal, or just looking marvelous. Promising more than they can ever hope to deliver is a bad habit to get into for the Aries native, but all of us fall into that trap once in awhile, and Aries most of the time however, it's just that they are more prone to it, and really enjoy it. They have the reputation of being real mavericks or madmen (or madwomen), sometimes both at the same time, letting their fists do the talking for them. Remember though Aries people, he who lives by the sword . . . can also get cut by it.
While talking to an Aries male or female, pay careful attention to their eyes, and you can get a good idea who they would rather be having a conversation with, as their eyes wander around the room looking for someone more interesting, most likely someone who can further their career or do something for them. Aries people are self absorbed, and what "they" are doing in life is more important than what other people are doing, unless doing something for someone else will make the Aries look good, then that is a much different story. After all, appearances are most important to the Aries person.
Aries are often accused of having foul mouths, but only in private situations or in moments of frustration which can occur moment by moment. Aries people may work themselves to death to forget they are going to die, even though people are telling them to lighten up. It takes a real crisis for an Aries to pay attention to his/her health, and even then Aries will push it aside, considering it a fluke knowing it couldn't happen to them again, and go on with life as if nothing had happened.
Impatience with small details winds up costing them in the long run as Aries people are lousy at details. In this example Aries people should simply give the project to someone who is a stickler at details like a Virgo, and let them run with it. In this way the typical Ariens new and original thinking can be moving on to the next project.
The unevolved versions of the sign Aries can be very immature, and there will be a great hunger for admiration, even if they are making total butt heads of themselves.
The Impossible Mission for Aries: To grow up. Key Phrase: " I want it, but I have no idea exactly what it is that I want, or what to do with it when I get it." On the other hand if anything is acquired too easily, and the challenge is gone, so is this Aries interest!
In the area of making love, Aries natives can get so excited, that they are actually finished with the whole process before their partner gets started (real or otherwise). Aries people use their love making prowess like radar to hone in on their targets and objects of desire, only to find that the excitement of bumping into something, or the mere thought and fantasy of love making is more gratifying than the actual act. Aries people see these brief contacts as a false reading on their inner "radar" screen, and go on searching for other blips. If one is considering dating this person, the fire may ignite for the Aries and go out way before the smoking lamp is lit, or it will probably light up in someone else's back yard before, during or after you had time to figure out what was going on, or when. No one is implying that Aries people fool around, but there are those that won't say they don't. "Let your conscience be your guide Aries", is the theme for this sign, then as usual, they must do what they want to anyway, regardless of the consequences.
Moon in Aquarius:
The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.
An erratic and unstable nature exists for the person with the Moon in Aquarius. They are lovingly the eternal fruit loops of the universe, where many original thoughts can emerge if they can sort it out of the constant trash removal service that lives in their minds.
Cold feelings towards others can exist for the Moon in Aquarius person, because they can't understand their own emotional needs, much less the needs of others, hence they become a truly detached person emotionally. How can you relate to love or closeness to others if you are locked in the eternal darkness of your mind? This is the turmoil for the Moon in Aquarius person.
Moon in Aquarius's can be very selfish individuals, but they do it in a friendly way. People with their Moon in Aquarius can suffer from Arthritis later in life because they never learned to lighten up!
Moon in Aquarius people love and need challenges in love, such as crawling through a mine field to get to the center where a hundred naked love Gods or Goddesses are chanting their name in unison. What a rush! Moon in Aquarius people have one very disturbing and annoying habit however, they need to stop talking and making those stupid, forced and rehearsed sounds during sex. I'm willing to bet these are the people who dub those phony sound tracks on XXX videos.
Mercury in Aries:
Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.
They have the concentration of a bull in heat, and a quick temper to match. They hate delays, which only makes them more angry, and they hate anger, which only brings them delays. It just boggles the mind doesn't it? The Arian is not able to tell the difference between an impulse and a second of time, therefore they go off emotionally at the same interval. "Impulse, impulse, impulse, kaboomb!"
Mercury in Aries suggests that anything and everything is fair game in the love making department, whether fantasy or reality. Any open extremity on or off the human body, door knobs, medium sized cats and certain species of fish holds their interest and attraction. The Mercury in Aries mind turns the body on to ALL the possibilities and if this native isn't careful, they may prematurely create a love making episode in their mind, before it ever gets to reality. But then again it may be much more fun this way, " and hey, I've just practiced safe sex." This is the true celibates love making outlet.
The mind is a terrible thing to waste, and to that end the Mercury in Aries native will jump off a cliff rather than make no decision at all. Simply waiting for a more favorable time would never occur to them. On the other hand Mercury in Aries may decide to do something, and like a rain cloud do nothing at all.
Mercury in Aries natives are aggressive in speech, and drive like maniacs, making good race car drivers on or off the track. Their nervous system is non existent, jumpy, frazzled and in need of physical expression to keep it in good working order.
These people are fond of debate and arguments, and to convince you of their intellectual expertise, may beat the heck out of you. They go off like a cannon on exlax, the trouble is you don't know where it is going to land, but you know that it's coming!
Venus in Aries:
Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:
Self satisfaction at its best defines Venus in Aries. To further clarify, these natives don't have to share someone's company to have a good time. They have the cunning of a vulture just waiting for the right unsuspecting target and without warning pounce on their prey. I would suggest that people with Venus in Aries might want to put themselves in the other peoples shoes, so that they can understand the impact they have on others, but all that these natives would be able to see is themselves in a different pair of shoes, and life would continue just as before.
In all of the running around that Venus in Aries does, they should try to find out what the ideal relationship is in the outside world, rather than looking in all of the wrong places. Right here the conversation ends, and Aries is off again.
Here is the typical Venus in Aries making up their mind, especially making a commitment "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, well. . . . Yes, no, Yes, No
You can tell the person with Venus in Aries by how far they try to stick their tongue down your throat, while talking casually for the first time.
Mars in Taurus:
Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.
This is the placement of the person who will do anything for money. I would never suggest that this person would prostitute themselves for money! Well, alright I would! A word of advice, a person with this placement is as possessive as a gorilla with a banana and just as resentful and jealous if you get it away from them.
A Taurus in heat has all the grace of a Brahma bull trying to freight train a Rodeo Clown, and with just about the same results. There they are, lying flat and looking straight up with no idea who, or what you are, much less where!
You can tell a sexually frustrated Taurus very easily. You will find them in the kitchen cooking, . . . . EVERYTHING! When this sign releases their love making passion, the results are similar to having a building drop on you, a very large building. This is to say that when they give themselves, they give themselves completely. Who wants complete, instead save some for a rainy day!
If this native knows they can get a great deal by doing a slightly naughty favor, expect a fantastic reaction to your proposition. Just make sure that you understand who owns what in the long run.