The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:

Audrey Hepburn
May 4, 1929
3:00 AM
Ixelles, Belgium


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                 This astrological analysis is based
                 on the following astrological data:

                 Sun     13 Tau 07
                 Moon     6 Pis 27
                 Mercury  0 Gem 19
                 Venus   22 Ari 47
                 Mars    25 Can 09

                 Daylight Savings Time observed
                 GMT: 02:00:00   Time Zone: 0 hours West

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Sun in Taurus:

   Taurus- Key Words: The Bull in the china shop.

   Taurus natives are stubborn about everything, and there is no particular reason why, probably because Taureans feel insecure in some way. In being stubborn, Taureans feel they won't miss out on anything until they have mulled it into mildew. Hey, who wants to miss out on a good thing? If you want to have a good time with a Taurean native, give them the impossible to do with a restricted time frame to do it in, and watch them burn out a fuse trying to do it anyway. Make sure to have lots of video tape ready to capture the determination, and the horror! This will not be a pretty sight.

  For the greatest Taurean attributes look under N for No Nerves (as they are quite jittery), and have absolutely No sense of humor. A person can't laugh with a stick up their butt, it ruins the concentration!

  If you want to get romantic with a Taurean, take that little love muffin out to the countryside with the horsies and cows and other such charming anomalies of nature for a picnic, and let nature takes its course. The Taurean just loves the country to roam etc., etc., etc. Do I have to draw a picture for you, or maybe you can draw your own?

   The biggest drawback for the Taurean native is what I call the turtle reflex. The turtle reflex, simply put, is waiting for the Taurean person (with the speed of the mud) to make up their mind about anything! It will happen, but not in this lifetime. Never ask a Taurus to make a decision, because you will be too old to care anymore, especially if it involves commitments.

  Once committed to a relationship Taurus people expect any object of their desire to be there forever, whether married or divorced, dead or alive. There is a very jealous and possessive side of Taurus, and what is theirs shall remain theirs, from this day forth, and death is a poor excuse for being unfaithful to them! Taureans have been known to go out on midnight spy runs to keep tabs on their love interests. Ah, love sweet love, with the shackles that say "I love you, FOREVER!"

  Taureans should choose a mate who likes variety in lovemaking, like say, swinging from a chandelier, or doing the unspeakable underwater. So speak a little, speak a little! Once you pry the inner carefree nature out of that reserved exterior, watch out, for once Taureans have you in their grip, you stand a better chance getting out of an impossible wrestling hold, then getting away from a Taurean in love or lust!

  Salesmen hate doing business with the Taurus people, because before a Taurean decides to buy something, no matter what it is, it will be out of date, has gone bad, or the salesman has retired.

  To instill panic in Taureans, just tell them big changes are coming into their lives, and they will crack like old plaster, OR, just for the fun of it, assign him/her the task of a mediator in a dispute, where they must choose sides. With Taurean cat like reflexes and powers of indecision this could go on forever. Make sure someone has a video camera handy to watch Taurus's brains frazzling like bacon trying to compute the finer points of making fair and unbiased decisions.

  Taureans laugh with all of the sinister qualities of "The Shadow" (an old Radio Show). That is because down deep inside there is this very naughty person who in a lot of cases is so reserved, that laughter is the only thing they can let loose without being becoming unglued. Taurus men do not exhibit these qualities however, they just bide their time waiting for a good reason to smile.

  The Taurus's home is their pride and joy, and anyone entering the Taurus domain had better respect that! You may have noticed a few Taurus homes and not known it, as these are the people in the middle of the night in the front yard in full combat gear, ready to defend their homestead to the death.

  Here is a joke that Taurus people won't appreciate but what the heck. Where do you find a Taurus on vacation? The same place they have been going to for the last 25 years, and the neat thing is, even though they may have hated it, they still go back there year, after year, after year. Oh they are such fun munchkins!

  Children find Taurus parents a real pain, because they never give them any privacy, and a Taurean will always go through their children's things looking for god knows what. Taureans feel, if they aren't having any fun, why should their children.

  Don't ever give a Taurean $10 and say there are a dozen people coming over for dinner, prepare a banquet! They will do it, and give you change in return (maybe!).

  Taurus natives don't reveal themselves to others easily either, and a potential mate may have to be eligible for social security before Mr. or Ms. Taurus open up to their feelings.

Moon in Pisces:

The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.

   The native with the Moon in Pisces has a lot of facets to their personality. They can be a musician and artist or total drug puppy and alcoholic who, in their own delusion is making things right in their little sector of the world, and who is to say that they aren't?

   The Moon in Pisces emotions bring them great suffering, but hey, what else is life for. The Felix Unger (Of The Odd Couple Series) of the Zodiac has to have Moon in Pisces or other strong traits of Pisces.

   Moon in Pisces people are the reason the term "Mood swings" was invented. The term stable for them should be applied to a ship that is leaning to an angle greater than 45 degrees. Chances are that it "IS" going to sink. This can easily happen, if they don't lighten up.

   It is very easy to spot people with Moon in Pisces, just look around, if they are no where to be found, then it is Moon in Pisces, or a sign similar to water, like Scorpio or Cancer.

Mercury in Gemini:

   Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.

   With this placement, they should have been born a computer, as the mind just works, works, works. Find a way to shut it down and take a laxative break. No one should have to think this much. To be, or not to be! Who cares! Get the picture buckaroo? Overwork is gonna burn out the old porch light! Stop eating those el cheapo lunches just so you don't have to go out at lunch time. Eat real food!

   The Gemini mind is always in an overactive state, and to see a Gemini filling out expense vouchers can be like reading Heckle and Jeckle, a comedy of errors. If they had as many arms as an octopus, they could do so much more. Think of all of the real big foul-ups they are capable of making!

   Toys of all kinds are important to them, and when it is their turn to meet their maker, the score will be 1-0 in their favor for owning the most. Their phone bill is likely to be equal to a Mortgage payment, month after month, after month.

  "I love sex, I can sit and think about it all day!", says Mercury in Gemini. They are the originators of talking during sex, and an example would be: " UW, that's nice, . . . so how was your day at the office?" Another example would be "Lets video tape our lovemaking so I can critique it later". This is the person who wakes up their partner and "asks them" if they want to make love. Take the initiative! Don't ask them, live out a fantasy!

  Love making for them is yelling at the top of their lungs so that the neighbors can hear " Yes, I want to make love, now the whole world knows . . . and maybe they can watch too!

  This placement is responsible for the phenomena known as phone sex. These are the people who call unsuspecting victims up on the phone and say "I want to . . . . "

  Okay, Okay, tell me if you have heard this one: "What does a Gemini think about during love making?" "Everything!"

Venus in Aries:

  Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:

   Self satisfaction at its best defines Venus in Aries. To further clarify, these natives don't have to share someone's company to have a good time. They have the cunning of a vulture just waiting for the right unsuspecting target and without warning pounce on their prey. I would suggest that people with Venus in Aries might want to put themselves in the other peoples shoes, so that they can understand the impact they have on others, but all that these natives would be able to see is themselves in a different pair of shoes, and life would continue just as before.

   In all of the running around that Venus in Aries does, they should try to find out what the ideal relationship is in the outside world, rather than looking in all of the wrong places. Right here the conversation ends, and Aries is off again.

  Here is the typical Venus in Aries making up their mind, especially making a commitment "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, well. . . . Yes, no, Yes, No

   You can tell the person with Venus in Aries by how far they try to stick their tongue down your throat, while talking casually for the first time.

Mars in Cancer:

  Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.

   "Are we going to make love, or are you going to just sit there and cry". This is the plight of the Cancer personality. Maybe they will do both at the same time. There is another possibility as well, since they have such a weak stomach with this placement, they may make love and throw up afterwards which is really great for their partners ego, OR. . . throw up on their partner while making love. Now there is a really disgusting thought!

   These people are very domesticated and can often be found sleeping with the cat. Their rhythm in lovemaking has all of the coordination of the jitterbug, and no one really knows when the big moment will occur, least of all them. Do lovers a favor, warn them that something is coming, but then again so is Christmas.

   When it comes to the rhythm of the moment, you are great at the old one, two, one two. Lovemaking defined with this person is: "Wham, Bam, and thank you".