The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:
November 12, 1980
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This astrological analysis is based
on the following astrological data:
Sun 20 Sco 29
Moon 15 Cap 00
Mercury 3 Sco 59
Venus 16 Lib 05
Mars 22 Sag 57
Standard time observed
GMT: 17:00:00 Time Zone: 5 hours West
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For Professional Charts and Reports
Sun in Scorpio:
Scorpio - Key words: Great first impressions & The Masters of Deception
Like the eternal child who says "Mine. . ., Mine .. ., Mine . . .," you better believe what belongs to the Scorpio native, is indeed theirs. Be careful when visiting the Scorpio home unannounced, because you may find yourself in the middle of an active mine field because they have decided "I want to be alone!"
Scorpio women are only happy when they get their little faces involved ever so innocently in other people's lives, trying to belong (so they say), taking over completely. Beware key phrases like "What do you think about. . ." or "Would it be possible to. . .". These are loaded opening statements that sound innocent, but are actually carefully thought out ploys at taking over someone's life. In all fairness, they are dedicated, hard working and conscientious, and because of this, they will eventually own the world, or their fair share of it. Give up and give in gracefully, or don't let them into your life at all.
The mothering instincts of the Scorpio woman are so strong, that even if they have raised Son of Sam (A fun kind of guy who liked to murder people), they will defend them to the hilt, while physically or verbally thrashing you in the process.
Scorpios searching for the power that rules can be compared to firing a gun inside a tank. No matter where you hide, chances are you are going to get hit by a flying bullet. Now to further clarify, the Scorpio fired the gun, and is the only one in the tank. They have the same chance of obtaining the power they so desperately seek, no matter what means they employ.
Typical Scorpio men can be so secretive, that most of the time they don't even tell themselves what is going on!
Check a Scorpios hand when they "give" something to you. Chances are, there is a string directly attached to the item in question, and when you are not looking, they simply reel it back in.
Scorpios have the same self control of Charles Manson and while you are out on a date, expect to get into a dispute that can end up in legal proceedings. A typical Scorpio would look at the whole incident as a barely passable date, except the performance level was a bit under par.
The word scruples and Scorpio are not found in the same dictionary, corner of the globe, or same hemisphere. Scorpio natives will do absolutely anything to get what they want. Scorpio's have the finesse of a hit man (and some of them are), and they have the same ability to forgive as well.
The female of the species make excellent lovers, and burn at a very high passionate intensity. Before attempting to engage this hot-blooded creature, make sure you are wearing your fireproof underwear. You might want to re-evaluate your own understanding of love making, as Scorpio women can hand you the reins, and expect to be whipped by them just to get them mildly interested.
Scorpios make great hit and run journalists, hit and run drivers, blackmailers, terrorists and madmen. These of course are the good qualities.
Moon in Capricorn:
The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.
Moon in Capricorn natives are not happy campers in general as there is too much of a Hitler complex that needs controlling. Moon in Capricorn people need to add lots of fiber to their diet to avoid constipated feelings, constipated body, and constipated mind. Moon in Capricorn natives often suffer from arthritis or aches and pains in bodily joints or in the structural bones or back as a result of stress.
The Moon in Capricorn person has all of the spiritual awareness of a stone and I'm not talking about crystals or Stonehenge either. To be fair, in the more evolved Capricorn, we find great teachers and Masters, but the standard everyday variety has their own needs in mind, and they can be extremely selfish, worrying about their own desires, and pretty soon their own needs become their master and their teacher. The Moon in Capricorns radar is always on for the two most important things in their lives, which is power and money and their acquisition makes them happy and secure.
Moon in Capricorn natives truly believe that all relationships that start out in their teens as difficult, will continue for life much the same way as though they deserve nothing better for themselves. This is their way of convincing themselves they are right when things that inevitably go wrong, go wrong. Last but not least, when you allow a negative thought pattern embedded in your emotions, it will take a very big and brawny man or woman to change your mind.
Capricorns are loyal beyond the call of duty in relationships, and will stay there even when the last act is over, the fat lady has sung her merry tune, and everyone has long since forgotten the whole incident. They hang on to people, places and things, especially children until they get a cosmic slap in the face to let go, and live their own life.
These days, dear Capricorn native, the only safe lover is one that sleeps all the time. That's one way to keep them loyal now isn't it Moon in Capricorn?
The Moon in Capricorn natives need a lover who will gently beat them beside the head with any object that is handy to get them to be noticed. Once they find this person, Moon in Capricorn natives know they are somewhat sincere. Group love making for these natives is standing in the corner contemplating their navel. Moon in Capricorn people are the types that feel a gift is just as good as making love. " Here is a dollar for your troubles my dear, or how about something practical like a toaster oven.", says the person with Moon in Capricorn.
Mercury in Scorpio:
Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.
Here is the original two edged sword looking for the chopping block. These people are so secretive, that they don't even talk to themselves, but Scorpio natives are perceptive of others and know just when other people are vulnerable so they can swoop down and pounce on them.
Here is another one of those signs that is overcritical of everyone but themselves, the self appointed judge and jury. They should have be policemen, spies, or detectives, peering into everyone's secret lives like a common criminal.
Love that is mysterious, behind the scenes and down and dirty, that's Mercury in Scorpio. Sounds like love making with 007, with the same air of danger connected with it. Come to think love making while being attacked would be perfect for them. They can probably be found in dark alleys picking up stray cats doing unspeakable things just for the intrigue.
These must have been the original streakers, who ran nude across the campus. Anything bizarre or perverse is fine for them. They should avoid using the concept of running through the streets nude as a tool for sex, because it won't work. Okay, it might!
This kind of person is the movie director who invites you up to his office to audition for him. "Sit on my couch my dear, let's see what develops".
Venus in Libra:
Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:
Never come home and say to this person, "Gee, the house looks great!, but you look a bit frumpy!". This will start Niagara Falls flowing.
Expect to find the Venus in Libra home rearranged. . . . often!
They have a talent for nastiness, and can swear so fluently that it frightens everyone. To be fair, there are those who hate coarse behavior. In this instance, body slamming isn't a turn on, and a gentler approach should be sought. Try dipping them in chocolate and let nature take its course. This sign must be careful with chocolates, sweets and excessive sex, as it weakens the kidneys. More water must be ingested to keep them in tip top shape.
Harmony in courtship and marriage is extremely important to the Venus in Libra. Remember you can't seduce them with heavy rock music playing in the background because you may wind up with a very nervous lover.
These people look for relationships that are bonded, like cement, and impossible to get out of unless you disrupt the aura around them (sorry, didn't mean to get esoteric).
Venus in Libra is another air sign which means that you have to go to the cloud they live on to communicate. Just be careful where you step though, it is a long way down. They need mental stimulation so try saying "I love you" in many different voices until you find one that strikes their fancy. Dirty movies live in the realm of mental stimulation, so try a Dirty Harry movie or some pornographic facsimile.
Venus in Libra people may be attracted to older lovers at some point, especially if they have money. They love money as it represents security, and if your intended is much older, then they won't have to wait long to inherit. It's boorish, cruel and the truth. On the other hand, you can be attracted to VERY young ones as well. Here is where the phrase "robbing" the baby carriage came from.
These people have a great sense of hearing. You must be careful when you talk about them because they invented the saying "The Walls Have Ears".
Mars in Sagittarius:
Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.
Mars in Sagittarius people need to learn to recognize that others have rights as well as them. Sometimes these natives limit their vocabulary with others to the middle finger of either hand, as gesturing gets the same effect.
Don't rush partners in intimate moments Mars in Sagittarius natives, this is not the last adventure of the jolly rancher, or Eskimo pie, this is a living breathing human being. These people should find a lover who can fill in the missing pieces of their ever popular fantasies, like putting in the last piece of a crossword puzzle.
Mars in Sagittarius people have the ability to make love during a total eclipse. While everyone else is looking up, they take advantage of it. After all, who will notice? For Sagittarians, love making gives a new meaning to "its Miller time". The adventurous Sagittarius may choose to jump from a hot air balloon and land on the object of their desire, make contact and move on, without too much effort. If you want to keep this person continually interested after marriage, change your residence but don't tell them where you are. At least that will keep them busy for a few days trying to find you. Tell these people you've inherited money and you'll be gone for a short holiday, that will put a rise in their attention span.
"Don't fence me in" is the battle cry of this unreliable person, so set up your own kind of corral, if you get my drift and if you want to keep this persons attention temporarily.