The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:
January 5, 1969
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This astrological analysis is based
on the following astrological data:
Sun 14 Cap 56
Moon 3 Leo 27
Mercury 1 Aqu 25
Venus 0 Pis 41
Mars 3 Sco 42
Standard time observed
GMT: 10:45:00 Time Zone: 5 hours West
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For Professional Charts and Reports
Sun in Capricorn:
Capricorn - Key Words: The analytical constipated mind
Persuading Capricorns to make love has to be done under hypnosis, otherwise it is a fruitless endeavor. In fact, when choosing a long time relationship Capricorn, choose someone who has been dead for at least 50 years. Capricorns are so controlled, that they may actually die a statue, trouble is, no one may know the difference. The author of this whimsy was married to a Capricorn lady once, and being a Leo I was interested in my performance in that very intimate moment. To make a long story short, as I looked at my Capricorn mate in bed afterwards, I actually thought she had passed away. It was difficult to distinguish life from lifelessness at that moment. This summed up intimacy and marriage to a Capricorn.
The Capricorn's lovemaking technique has all of the warmth of an iceberg, but good news, if they held onto their partner in lovemaking like they do their career, they would get the academy award for sensuality. Don't worry though, it'll never happen.
In business, arguments, relationships or career, Capricorns would never enter into anything that they have the slightest possibility of losing at.
If you want to completely screw up the Capricorn mind, give them a computer for their birthday, or go away and "forget" to leave instructions for the food processor, microwave, washing machine or dryer. Try to tape it for future reference, as the laughs will be precious as their analytical minds try to unboggle the mysteries of DOS in computers, or Convection in Microwaves.
As an example, Al Capone was a Capricorn. He had a whimsical habit of beating people to death with a baseball bat.
How can you spot a Capricorn at a party? They are the ones telling the same old joke, over and over again, thinking it is something new and exciting, and for the first time.
Like the sign Taurus, Capricorns use the same restaurants and same Motel/Hotel year after year after year, whether they enjoyed it or not.
You can always tell a Capricorn home, there is only one phone, placed in the middle for access from any part of the house.
A Capricorn's career is one where as an administrator they excel because they are cold and suspicious. These are some of Capricorns most charming attributes.
There are ways to get through that tough Capricorn exterior though, as they are very vulnerable to criticism. Even though Capricorns will never admit it, it rumbles there beneath the surface. Keep at it long enough and watch the alarms and overloads go off in their heads. Although Capricorns always look in control, they have the inner anxiety control of a meadow muffin, and fear of public opinion is right up there with constipation for any Capricorn.
To get a Capricorn's attention to make love, interrogate them, it will blow their mind, and start the inevitable wheels a turnin' (What are they after? What is their motivation?) If you do turn this Capricorn on, then I hope you don't mind wearing the bracelets slaves used to wear, because this is the kind of loyalty this love munchkin needs.
Capricorns do fall in love though, with the same consistency of Halley's Comet, lasting about as long as the observation of it.
Okay, so now you are in tight with this Capricorn, you are in a relationship of master and slave and . . . what happens next? It's like a blasted soap opera, you have to wait for script changes and do everything exactly as it is written, and for goodness sake, no method acting, that will spoil everything! As far as marriage goes, if you can strike a good bargain with your Capricorn, they will resemble a good companion, like a dog.
Capricorns often marry early just to get out of the circumstances they are in, usually making life no better than it was to begin with.
Women of the species would be better off marrying a Golden Retriever. After all, loyalty is everything!
Moon in Leo:
The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.
"See me? See who I am? Aren't my new shoes pretty?", says the Moon in Leo native. Everything is done in the style of the great "showoff" for the Moon in Leo native, including the flowing hair and the need to be appreciated for any efforts they put forth, whether deserved or not.
Anything will offend people with their Moon in Leo, just walk up to them for no reason and say "What a creep!", and watch them become unglued. There is a strong need to be an Authority Figure here, even if they wash dishes for a living, for they have a natural attitude which I lovingly call the Napoleonic syndrome, or man holding up his pants. Perhaps Napoleon wasn't holding up his pants, and if he wasn't, what was he holding up ? HMMM?
Money is much more important to Moon in Leo people than they realize, so take a moment and think about it, then accept it. Okay, time is up.
Moon in Leo natives have a hidden desire for power which will leap out when least expected like a tornado headed for a trailer park, usually with the same intensity.
For Moon in Leo people the pleasure from love making can be derived as a side effect from loyalty as well as the physical manifestation, or love and devotion from others has the same effect, which really turns them on.
While on a date with a Moon in Leo person, expect them to jump up on any stage and grab the microphone, even if there is no stage, or microphone. You might say Moon in Leo natives are just a little bit insecure and need attention, or perhaps they are trying to be fashionable.
Moon in Leo natives see everything revolving around them, with them as the center, just as the sun is the center of the Universe. I knew it had to be someone's fault.
It is extremely easy to spot the emotionally unhappy Moon in Leo native, either they are flat on their backs because their back has gone out, or they are suffering chest pains from excessive stress.
People with this placement tend to dominate others with all of the grace and finesse of Hagar the Horrible (Cartoon Character in the funny papers).
While in the home of a Moon in Leo person, expect to have a tour guide take you around to show off all of the artwork and other meaningless articles which are bound to be strewn about waiting to adored. You might even see the Moon in Leo native themselves strutting around as well, in full fanciful garb who seems to fit into the decor, waiting for equal adoration.
Mercury in Aquarius:
Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.
These people are very good judges of character, but can act like a bull in a china shop," Too Stubborn!"
They would make good writers or excellent speakers with the possibility of some original thoughts and perceptions, but they must work at it and develop it.
The idea of lovemaking turns them into jelly, as they coagulate at the actual act, so they keep it in the hemisphere, where they can watch their own movie, while the real thing is happening somewhere else.
You cannot surprise these natives, there must be some kind of emotions to be surprised. If you try, the reaction would probably be passing wind, a smile, and a "that was interesting, . . so what's next?"
Be extra careful what you think about when you are near these people, as they can pick all data like a sponge. They are very telepathic, especially if you are thinking about someone else while you are making love to them!
A great position for this placement would be working in a laboratory or any field related to science which comes easily for them. They are a little nutty, but very good at it.
Venus in Pisces:
Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:
This person is willing to tie themselves to a roulette wheel while you are throwing knives at it to feel wanted and appreciated. At the same time they are holding a sign that says "Anything for love". An added touch to get the attention of these wonderful people would be to compose a song while the wheel is turning and knives are flying through the air, or writing a very special poem just for them, to show the heights and depths of love.
They are extremely sensitive and romantic and you may find them hiding in deep dark corners of the house when upset, such as basements or in the attic.
Compassion, deep love and sympathy on the very verge of being spiritual defines Venus in Pisces. This is a very nice quality in the times that we live in. They also have a wonderful rapport with all of natures beautiful and ugly creatures.
Always remember, when romancing this sign, to show clear demonstration of love and affection. Otherwise the loneliness and disappointment that results would float a boat in the midst of the ocean.
Be careful how far you go with this native as you may wake up one morning with them singing original love songs, reciting original poetry by the ton, or being captured El Buffo on canvas.
You have to pry love out of this Venus in Pisces, as they are so afraid of rejection they are as cautious as a new chastity belt, and as hard to get open.
Mars in Scorpio:
Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.
These people have all the wisdom and smarts of a person standing in the middle of a field holding a piece of metal during an electrical storm yelling "Hey sailor, want to fool around?" Making love with a Scorpio can mean a literal "fight to the death" which only heightens the excitement. Mars in Scorpio can be equated to making love with a hand grenade. Mars in Scorpio natives are in total control during sex, with whips, chains or Elizabethan implements, such as the rack, screws, head clamps, stirrups, and assorted surgical gear.
Romantic involvements with this person can be compared to the first person to offer meat to a famished lion, they thank you as they take your arm off with the meat. You will usually find the female of the species in the men's room at the local dance club (by accident of course) looking for action, or in the locker room at a sports event giving an interview.
But how do you know this female Mars in Scorpio person by sight? She is very easy to spot. She awaits you at home at the top of the stairs (clothing optional) yelling " I love you" as she impales herself down the stairs on top of you while envisioning herself saving you from cannibals. You are so taken by this selfless act of heroism that you vow to love her and only her all day, every day, and in every way imaginable. That's what she wanted in the first place. It was just a little overstated and long winded by a Mercury in Leo. (The writer of this silliness!)
Men with Mars in Scorpio handle this a little differently. You would never suspect them until they were actually laying vertically on top of you. At that point the light bulb would go on!