The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:
December 24, 1905
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This astrological analysis is based
on the following astrological data:
Sun 2 Cap 43
Moon 19 Sag 13
Mercury 15 Sag 03
Venus 20 Sag 27
Mars 28 Aqu 10
Standard time observed
GMT: 04:12:00 Time Zone: 6 hours West
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For Professional Charts and Reports
Sun in Capricorn:
Capricorn - Key Words: The analytical constipated mind
Persuading Capricorns to make love has to be done under hypnosis, otherwise it is a fruitless endeavor. In fact, when choosing a long time relationship Capricorn, choose someone who has been dead for at least 50 years. Capricorns are so controlled, that they may actually die a statue, trouble is, no one may know the difference. The author of this whimsy was married to a Capricorn lady once, and being a Leo I was interested in my performance in that very intimate moment. To make a long story short, as I looked at my Capricorn mate in bed afterwards, I actually thought she had passed away. It was difficult to distinguish life from lifelessness at that moment. This summed up intimacy and marriage to a Capricorn.
The Capricorn's lovemaking technique has all of the warmth of an iceberg, but good news, if they held onto their partner in lovemaking like they do their career, they would get the academy award for sensuality. Don't worry though, it'll never happen.
In business, arguments, relationships or career, Capricorns would never enter into anything that they have the slightest possibility of losing at.
If you want to completely screw up the Capricorn mind, give them a computer for their birthday, or go away and "forget" to leave instructions for the food processor, microwave, washing machine or dryer. Try to tape it for future reference, as the laughs will be precious as their analytical minds try to unboggle the mysteries of DOS in computers, or Convection in Microwaves.
As an example, Al Capone was a Capricorn. He had a whimsical habit of beating people to death with a baseball bat.
How can you spot a Capricorn at a party? They are the ones telling the same old joke, over and over again, thinking it is something new and exciting, and for the first time.
Like the sign Taurus, Capricorns use the same restaurants and same Motel/Hotel year after year after year, whether they enjoyed it or not.
You can always tell a Capricorn home, there is only one phone, placed in the middle for access from any part of the house.
A Capricorn's career is one where as an administrator they excel because they are cold and suspicious. These are some of Capricorns most charming attributes.
There are ways to get through that tough Capricorn exterior though, as they are very vulnerable to criticism. Even though Capricorns will never admit it, it rumbles there beneath the surface. Keep at it long enough and watch the alarms and overloads go off in their heads. Although Capricorns always look in control, they have the inner anxiety control of a meadow muffin, and fear of public opinion is right up there with constipation for any Capricorn.
To get a Capricorn's attention to make love, interrogate them, it will blow their mind, and start the inevitable wheels a turnin' (What are they after? What is their motivation?) If you do turn this Capricorn on, then I hope you don't mind wearing the bracelets slaves used to wear, because this is the kind of loyalty this love munchkin needs.
Capricorns do fall in love though, with the same consistency of Halley's Comet, lasting about as long as the observation of it.
Okay, so now you are in tight with this Capricorn, you are in a relationship of master and slave and . . . what happens next? It's like a blasted soap opera, you have to wait for script changes and do everything exactly as it is written, and for goodness sake, no method acting, that will spoil everything! As far as marriage goes, if you can strike a good bargain with your Capricorn, they will resemble a good companion, like a dog.
Capricorns often marry early just to get out of the circumstances they are in, usually making life no better than it was to begin with.
Women of the species would be better off marrying a Golden Retriever. After all, loyalty is everything!
Moon in Sagittarius:
The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.
The man who invented the movie "born free" had to have his Moon in Sagittarius. These people are born with driving gloves embedded in their skin, and in this way they don't have to waste time when going for drive, after drive, after drive, trying to find them.
Loving support is given to others by Moon in Sagittarius people by beating them over the head to listen to what they have to say, or embedding this weeks truth into the minds of the unsuspecting. People emerging from this feel like they have been run over by a bulldozer. Lighten up!
Moon in Sagittarius people are the original inventors of the gaming wheel, and you will often find these natives at Atlantic City, or Las Vegas, trying to beat the odds, and some may very well just do that.
One of my personal favorite associations for the Moon in Sagittarius (which I can both relate and admit to) is having lots and lots of acquaintances, but very few close friends.
Most people have hobbies that include cooking or sewing. Instead, Moon in Sagittarius people enjoy fantasies with hundreds of naked maidens or their male counterparts, all cooking and sewing.
Moon in Sagittarius natives are always happy and cheerful, and should there come a time when they become disgruntled in their present relationships they try to stay in good shape emotionally, even though they are moving out on you. " Hi Ho, Hi Ho, its off to another place I go" (The Moon in Sagittarius theme song)
The unhappy Moon in Sagittarius native can suffer some problems with the hips or sciatic nerves can act up.
Mercury in Sagittarius:
Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.
Concentration is not their strong point, but they can direct their minds to something creative and accomplish something. They are always missing the small details that would have made that project they worked on perfect. If they had waited just a little bit longer to make any decisions, the answer would have presented itself, but they are intent on going off prematurely just like a loose cannon on deck. They should learn to be still and listen, for there is an inner voice waiting to talk to them, but they must be still to hear it. But will they take that advice? Absolutely not, because one cannot hear if they are always talking. In other words, SHUT UP!
Lovemaking is as natural and frequent as going to the bathroom for these natives, like changing your socks or fondly fondling edible underwear. These people should try making love in the woods surrounded by Yogi the bear or Bambi, after all, that's how Thumper got his name.
These are the people who sing at the top of their lungs while making love. Stop it, you are annoying the neighbors. Take it back out to the woods during hunting season. Not only will they confuse the hunters, they will drive the animals nuts too!
For Mercury in Sagittarius a story is just a story, but with a little exaggeration mixed with a little accentuation and a whole lot of imagination, it is not a story anymore. It becomes an event, an adventure and a downright hilarious one at that!
Mercury in Sagittarius natives have got to be the friendliest people in the world and will talk to others like they are a long lost brother or sister, having no idea who they are, somehow in the back of their minds, they should know who they are. Because of this trait, they must be careful of giving away too much information about themselves that they can easily regret later.
Venus in Sagittarius:
Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:
Venus in Sagittarius are demonstrative and friendly in their affections. They will actually introduce themselves before trying to take you to bed. A formality, its true but nevertheless a nice touch.
Since these people make great gamblers, you can expect to be seduced on a gaming table while, I might add, there is money riding on a number. Ah!, the fine art of romance and adventure.
These are the people who go skydiving nude while making love or on the other hand, you may get a sermon instead. That is the other side of this coin. A nice middle of the road approach might be making love while preaching. Where is Jim Bakker when you need him? He is a perfect example of this principle. He supposedly (gotta give him the benefit of the doubt) screwed the world while preaching at the same time.
Mars in Aquarius:
Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.
With Mars in Aquarius there are many sides to love making. Foreplay for these people would be going out to the ball field, bringing everyone home and have sex with them and making them leave.
Mars in Aquarius people make love in the cerebral arena. They have the ability to make OOH and AHH sounds during sex without anyone actually having to be there. You can usually find this placement working in a lab or working on a new way to experiment with, but not actually using the actual sexual act. Expect to find all kinds of toys in bed with them when making love. "Please leave the bed as you found it, I have another group coming in an hour.", is the battle cry of Mars in Aquarius.
Here is the independent and unorthodox sex nature, for anything and everything goes, and usually does with this position of Mars. They take teamwork to an all time high, and the whole team may be in there working and breathing heavily together. Let Mars in Aquarius take the lead as they do not respond well to direction or authority. Cue cards are optional so that the appropriate reactions can be interjected at just the right moment for optimum excitement.
Should you give sexual advice to an Aquarian, expect them to ignore it and continue in any area that suits them. Why? They have to learn by their own mistakes, but then again, they don't make mistakes, do they?